Once More, Maybe

Drama Down Unda

2009-10-21T23:39:00.003-04:00

If there's one thing I've learned over the last 2 weeks, is to listen to my instincts.

From the minute I found out I was going to Australia, every cell in my body had been screaming NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Which is totally counter intuitive. I mean, I'd been handed the chance of a lifetime to visit a place I would have never imagined seeing. I should have been doing cartwheels and back flips. But instead, I was panicking and desperately trying to find a way out of it. I chalked it up to being afraid of flying. Ha, if only it were as easy as a plane crash.

My 6th sense was going completely bananas. Somehow I just knew that going on this trip would result in a life altering change.

Let's review the wreckage, shall we?

* The friend who invited me here is no longer my friend. We got into a huge fight which ended up with her going north and me (unwillingly) staying in the south for the rest of the trip. She hates my guts. And frankly right now, the sentiment is duly reciprocated.

* My boss fired my receptionist, but didn't tell me. I had to find out from her sister, who happens to be looking after my cat. I expect to catch holy hell when I get back to the office on Monday as I was the one who made the decision to hire her.

* Another friend wrote me an email to tell me to stuff my opinions about her relationship where the sun don't shine. I wrote back and apologized but got an out-of-office notice so who knows if or when she'll see it.

* I have not been able to find one damn karaoke bar down here.

* I haven't been able to get laid. (But does that really surprise you?)

What should have been the time of my life has become a living nightmare. I can't wait to get home.

And when I get home, I'm shutting it all off. My instincts are telling me to keep to myself, stay quiet and not to bother committing myself emotionally to anyone anymore. It's fucking useless and all that seems to happen is bullshit. I'm sick of bullshit. It stinks.

So I guess that's pretty much the end of this blog.

Yeah, that sucks.

I was kind of hoping for a small somewhat-happily-ever-for-a-little-while, but instead I got a big FU from the Universe. POINT TAKEN UNIVERSE. NOW STOP FUCKING WITH ME.

Oh well, at least I got to pet a kangaroo before I died.

Fatherly Advice

2009-10-05T22:10:00.003-04:00

I was talking to my Dad tonight and he said this to me:

"Don't you go getting attached to someone down there [Australia]. It's a hell of a long way to visit each other."

I love my Dad. :)

G'day Mate

2009-09-23T15:12:00.004-04:00

I'm going to Australia in two weeks. This trip popped up in my life because one of my best friends called off her wedding, which was to have taken place in southern Australia. She still wanted to go, but not alone. So she asked me, her would-be-maid-of-honour.

Two single gals on the loose in Oz.

Can someone give me a "HELL YA!"

Can someone give me a "CAN YOU DIG IT?"

Don't be surprised if I come home pregnant or married. Australian accents are hot.

Johnny Angel

2009-09-14T23:43:00.004-04:00

What A Joke

2009-09-13T10:02:00.002-04:00

I signed into Lava this morning and got a notification that I have a new smile. Out loud I said, "I bet you're 47!"

I clicked on the smile, and it turns out he's 45. I laughed so hard I'm sure the neighbours heard me when I fell off my chair and onto the floor.

Honestly, I don't know why I keep banging my face against this brick wall called dating. I suppose it has something to do with needing material for this blog.

Bah. Back under the rock I go.

Single Serving

2009-09-09T20:22:00.002-04:00

In the ten years I've lived on my own, I've never cooked.

Okay never is a strong word. Let's just say 99.9999999% of the time, I eat out. Oh, and there were a few times I made a Maltese casserole when I was married and trying to play the part of a good wife. But other than that, it's breakfast, lunch & dinner as made by someone else's hands. Usually that of Mr. Horton, Mr. McDonald, or Ms. Thomas (that would be Wendy, in case you didn't know her last name).

The main reason behind my ineptness in the kitchen is because my Mom didn't live long enough to teach me that fine art. I also missed out on lessons in fashion, makeup, hair, tampons and just about everything else that defines women. Frankly, I don't have the patience for any of it.

On the odd occasion that I do "cook", it's usually something I toss into the microwave for 5 minutes. Regardless, most everything is sold in servings of 2 - 4. A lot of waste waiting to happen.

So I was at Loblaws tonight perusing the frozen food section and settled upon the PC brand of Shepherd's Pie. I love Shepherd's Pie. My Mom made awesome Shepherd's Pie from scratch. It's total comfort food for me. And with the hours I've been pulling at work the last few weeks, I was in great need of comfort.

As I was walking along towards the check out, I noticed a few people looking at me. Normally this doesn't faze me as I am gorgeous (insert eye roll here) but tonight, it was unusual. A few people even looked like they were feeling sorry for me. And then I realized why.

Nothing screams SINGLE like a TV dinner.

That's the last fucking time I buy only one frozen food entree.

Stupid jerks.

Welcome to Confusion, Pop. Me

2009-09-01T15:14:00.006-04:00

I went to my friend's baby shower last month, which was more of a party than a traditional shower. Both men & women were invited and it was held at a cool restaurant in Thornhill.

One of the games we played was Pictionary, with all the words/phrases being baby-centric. Turns out I'm a freaking wizard at Baby Pictionary as I kept winning a majority of the prizes for my correct responses.

A friend of the father-to-be was on my team, and he had the unfortunate task of drawing "vaginal birth".

I thought it was bloody hilarious that this dude was such a good sport about it all. So I struck up a conversation with him. He was nice, friendly and cute. I asked if I could take a picture of him holding the piece of paper with "vaginal birth". He obliged. He then asked me if I could email him the picture. So I gave him one of my snazzy business cards so he could contact me.

Soon we became friends on Facebook and I sent him the picture, which he promptly posted as his profile picture.

One of my girlfriends had made the observation there was some chemistry happening between us. I've kept that tucked in the back of my mind until this weekend.

I was hanging out with my sister-in-law this weekend, busy moaning about that idiot LoneRanger and about the general fact that I am seemingly unable to meet any decent guys. All of a sudden, Mr. Vaginal Birth popped into my brain.

I told my sis-in-law the story of how we met and she suggested that I ask him out.

So I did. And here we go....

Paprika August 30 at 6:29pm
Any vaginal births lately? ;) Ha ha ha. How's life treating you? P :)

VB September 1 at 7:47am
Hey there .. nope.. no births of any kind.. no pictionary :) Life is good.. did some camping .. heading to sudbury for labour day. Howr you?

Paprika September 1 at 1:16pm
I'm good. I'm heading to Fort Erie for long weekend. My Dad & brothers still live down there. I was the one who flew the cuckoo's nest as fast as she could. :) Do you have family up in Sudbury or are you just going there for fun? So I'm going to be bold here and ask if you'd like to get together sometime? I really enjoyed talking to you at the shower. Feel free to let me down, just promise you'll be gentle about it. P :)

VB September 1 at 3:13pm
My mom n' dad are up in sudbury.. they live on a nice lake.. big deck, sauna.. so I'm heading up for the last rights of summer party :) hot saunas, cold beer. It was nice talking to you too.. and it may be one of my dumb moves but I'm going to decline. You seem awesome but I'm not feeling all I should to give you everything you deserve.

Geez. And I told him to be gentle about it. So much for being bold and trying something different.

Back to hiding under a rock.

Welcome to Cougarville, Pop. 1

2009-08-31T00:22:00.001-04:00

ANGELPAINT says:
hey gorgeous!

PAPRIKA8 replies:
Hey there. :)

ANGELPAINT says:
im hoping u like younger men...wink wink lol ;)

PAPRIKA8 replies:
LOL What's not to like? :)

ANGELPAINT says:
well put it this way im looking for something casual my ex was 36 so im well trained lol

ANGELPAINT says:
just figured given the age gap it would be tough for something serious

PAPRIKA8 replies:
LOL. Thanks for the offer, but I'm looking for something serious.

ANGELPAINT says:
might we be on the same page..haha ya im bad

PAPRIKA8 replies:
My days of casual are over. Although they were lots of fun.

ANGELPAINT says:
so come out of retirement

PAPRIKA8 replies:
LOL Ah as much fun as that would be, I want to put my effort into something that will pay off in the end.

PAPRIKA8 replies:
You shouldn't have any problems finding someone who'll play with you.

ANGELPAINT says:
ya i know but i like u..haha come on it good at least until mr right comes along

PAPRIKA8 replies:
You're sweet, but like I said, I want to put my effort into a long term thing. If I'm spending my time playing, I won't be around for Mr. Right to find me.

Julie & Julia & Paprika

2009-08-26T22:03:00.005-04:00

I went to a screening of "Julie & Julia" this evening with a couple of girlfriends, one of whom is about to give birth in a couple of weeks.

I had no expectations going into this film because I didn't know anything about either of the title characters.

It turned out to be quite a funny, yet touching film about two women, from two completely different eras, trying to find themselves. Both used cooking as a means to truly understand who they are.

I could totally relate. Well, except for the cooking part. :)

The film tells us that Julia Child was almost 40 years old and still a virgin when she met her husband Paul. The film depicted them as devoted, supportive and madly in love with each other.

In real life, they both lived to be over 90 years old. Fifty years of marriage. And fifty years of Julia's buttery cooking.

Lately I've been steadfast in my thought that it is way too late for me to find the love of my life. But after learning about Julia & Paul's love story, I feel hope again.

However, it doesn't make me feel better that she died childless. :P

Really?

2009-08-25T21:06:00.002-04:00

Here's my horoscope for the day.

"Believe it or not your life is getting better by the day, the hour, even the minute, and what happens between now and the end of the week will prove it. Don’t let money worries blind you to the fantastic things that are going on in your world."

Oh please, oh please, oh please....

So Much For That

2009-08-24T07:38:00.002-04:00

I'm done, again. But really, did we expect anything else?

LongeRanger duly ignored me for 7 straight days so I deleted him from Facebook last night. Short of a death in the family, he has ZERO excuse for this. The frustrating part is I know I'll never get to tell him what a douche bag he is. Because douche bags are cowards and they don't care about anyone but themselves.

I feel like I keep banging my face against the same brick wall. Somehow, everyone I know has managed to find the door, while I stand outside a bloody mess.

New Mantra

2009-08-19T16:23:00.003-04:00

Calm down and carry on.

My DT told me this yesterday after having read my last post, and after having listened to me freak out on the phone for about 45 minutes.

I also talked to my sister-in-law last night about the same subject and she gave me the same advice - not in the same words - but absolutely the same sentiment.

I still haven't heard from Mr. Lone Ranger. And I decided to myself this morning that if by some miracle he does contact me again, I will simply let him know that I expect more. I'm certainly not expecting he contact me 10 times a day. But I do expect that if I call or email him, he calls or emails me back in a timely manner, i.e. within several hours instead of 72 hours. If he isn't willing to give me at least that, then he can gladly show himself the door.

As Steve Harvey so expertly wrote in his book "Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man", women have to set standards. If a man won't live up to your standards, then cut him loose.

And that's what I intend to do.

Lone Ranger

2009-08-18T12:48:00.003-04:00

I haven't written about this until now for two reasons. The first being, I wanted to keep it to myself for a while. The second being, he's pulling stupid-idiot-man-shit behaviour and you all know I can't not talk about that.

I went back onto Lava around the end of June. I figured since I wasn't meeting guys in real life, then I should at least get back online. This time though, I went in with the attitude that I will smile at everyone I thought was cute, but I wouldn't lose my shit if they didn't smile back.

I smiled and smiled and smiled and smiled. And nothing. And I was fine.

I smiled and smiled and smiled some more. And then I got a nibble from LoneRanger1972: 37 years old, lives in Oshawa, never married, no kids, freelance journalist, editor and PR guy. He sent me a nice email and our correspondence began.

We sent emails back and forth every couple of days over the course of 3 weeks, until one day he asked me for my email and/or phone number. I happily obliged.

He sent me an email soon after. And then a phone call that same evening. That call lasted almost 6 1/2 hours. Wowza. We covered a lot of ground, including my disastrous marriage and subsequent divorce.

And much to my surprise, he called me again a few days later (4 1/2 hour talk), asking me out on a date. We had our first date on July 31st. And as far as I could tell, everything went swimmingly as the date (which lasted 5 hours) ended with a smooch.

He said he'd call me after I got back from Fort Erie for the long weekend. I emailed him when I got back to town and then didn't hear anything from him for 3 days. Which made me cry. For real. I know it was stupid to get worked up over it, but the fact that we had over 11 hours of talking time and 5 hours in-person time clocked already, I was thinking this guy may be a contender.

He finally emailed me apologizing for the slow response time. He was busy with work. Okay, fair enough, he is a freelancer after all. We made plans for Date #2 - dinner and a movie.

Date #2 went extremely well, as that ended with a mini make out session on the corner of Yonge & Eglinton. I invited him to see my band play - Date #3.

My band played this past Saturday night. He showed up at the end of the first set and stayed until the show was over and we had finished tearing down. He smooched me goodnight and said he'd call me the next day.

Sunday came, and he called! And asked me out on Date #4 for that night. Movies again, which is awesome for me because that is my favourite thing to do.

So I'm standing in the lobby of the theatre at exactly 6pm, which was the prescribed meeting time. At 6:10pm I got a text saying he'll be late, well after 6:30pm which was the start time of the film. "Something came up that I couldn't get out of."

Okay fine, shit happens. I texted him back and said I'd be at the Firkin pub up the street from the theatre getting something to eat.

I grabbed a beer. Then I ordered food (shepherd's pie & veggies). Then I ate my food. Then I finished my beer. Then I got my bill. Then I paid my bill. And I was just about to leave when he finally showed up. ONE. HOUR. AND. FIFTEEN. MINUTES. LATE.

He looked sheepish walking in. He said hello. I simply asked, "What happened?" He launched into a long story about a very important agenda item being missed by him, which the client required before Monday morning. So he had to get it done, but it was a really tedious task. So what he thought would take him 20 minutes turned into 40 minutes, and well, that's why he was late.

Fine. I forgave him. He kissed me and sat down. Then I watched him drink a beer and eat chicken fingers & fries. I helped with the fries.

Instead of catching a later movie, I decided we should go see my bass player in a jazz trio playing at Gate 403.

We grabbed a few drinks, snuggled, held hands, and smooched a bit. All was fine again.

He dropped me off at the subway station. We had a full on make out session in his car. I liked the way he was kissing me. It was nice, not gross, and not sloppy. We said goodnight and he said he'd call me.

I sent him an email when I got home thanking him for the nice night out. No response (he's got a blackberry, so no excuses).

I called yesterday and got his voicemail so I left him a message. Hasn't called me back.

So here's the part where I lose my fucking mind. And here are the things that bug me.

1. When we talk, it's 90% him, 10% me. When I try to interject, he keeps talking. Methinks he likes the sound of his own voice, and he really loves using his extensively huge vocabulary, being a journalist and all.

2. He was late for all our dates. But none as spectacularly late as Date #4.

3. He's never offered me a ride home. I know he lives in Oshawa, which means he has to travel east of where we've been on dates, and I live a teeny bit west. However, he should mind that his lady friend gets home safely.

4. He has a funny walk. (I know, I'm just being petty at this point.)

5. When he says he'll call, it's daaaaaaays later. But when I'm not expecting anything, he bombards me. Case in point, Saturday morning. I was in the shower getting ready for an audition. I came out and there was 2 text messages on my phone. I went to dry my hair, came back and there was a voicemail. I put on clothes & makeup and checked my email before leaving, there was one from him. Huh zuh! Where is all this communication when I want it????

Does this guy actually dig me, or is he passing the time? Or is he completely clueless and that's why he's still single? Or am I expecting too much?

Oh, and I hadn't been on Lava since our 2nd date, but was curious today to see the last time he was on. Answer: yesterday, when he should have been fucking calling me back.

Parting Shot

2009-08-17T11:51:00.002-04:00

I guess I spoke too soon about Woman's lack of gonads. Here's her parting shot.

-------------------------------------------------------
From: Woman
To: Paprika
Date: Mon, Aug 17, 2009 at 11:20 AM
Subject: RE: I guess I know now

Hey P,

Yes, I removed you from FB last week. Sorry if it was a shock – I wasn’t even sure you’d notice, or mind by this point.

I thought after some time had passed I would be able to keep you as friend without any problem but I find that it’s just too bizarre for me. I know you have a great big heart and also that Boy hurt you.

I know that you developed major feelings for him that were not reciprocated and also understand how his behavior might have been misleading. I wish he had not hurt you.

But what weirds me out is that you never told me about your history with him. It would have explained so much, and I would have been sympathetic and then some. But to find out so late, and not from you, and after all the times you criticized and vilified him – I believed you because, to my knowledge, you had no reason to lie and no vested interest. But I was wrong – you had both – and that changed everything. If I had known, things would have been very different.

There are times when I am tempted to give you a call and say “let’s hang out!” but then think it would be awkward and strained so I don’t.

But I do hope that you are very happy and that everything is going super well for you.

Take care and rock on...

Woman
-------------------------------------------------------

I just need to say this one more time: I WAS THE ONE WHO WAS CHEATED ON, HE'S THE ONE WHO LIED ABOUT EVERYTHING, SO WHY THE FUCK AM I THE BAD THE GUY HERE?

I made a decision not to tell her after they had broken up in February. Perhaps it was the wrong decision in her view. For me, there was no reason to drudge all that shit up because they were over. I looked at what I'd have wanted if the situation were reversed. I could only make a decision based on my point of view. I've always treated others the way I'd want to be treated, and if the situation were reversed, I would NOT have wanted to know. That is how I came to that decision to not say anything.

Seriously, when did it become a requirement that I divulge who I've slept with to my new girlfriends? I can bet you at least one person reading this has slept with the same guy that a friend has slept with. Granted my & Woman's situation was a little more twisted seeing as he cheated on me with her, and then cheated on her with me. But he told the same lie to both of us - he wasn't "with" anyone at the time, even though his actions directly contradicted what he said.

The root of the problem is that they got back together. I tried to caution her against this because I knew he was a skeeze ball. I don't like the fact she thinks the only reason I trashed him was because he hurt me. I would give the same advise to anyone who was dating a known cheater and overall douche bag. I would tell her what I know, but let her make up her own mind. Which is exactly what I did here. Obviously she chose to stay with him and I accepted that.

Their "relationship" is now at the 3 month mark, which is usually when Boy's dick leads him into another vagina. We'll see what happens in a few weeks. I don't doubt for one second he'll do it again to her. She's looking for a husband. He's looking for as much poontang pie as he can get.

Deleted

2009-08-15T08:35:00.002-04:00

Woman deleted me from Facebook without so much as a parting "fuck you".

I hate passive aggressive behaviour. So I sent her an email to that effect. And in typical passive style, it was met without response.

I honestly and truly wish that she and Boy live happily ever after. But really, when has a Woman ever been truly happy with a Boy?

At least I've learned that lesson and am holding out for a Man.

And a Half

2009-08-08T12:24:00.004-04:00

Today is my half birthday. I'm exactly 6 months into my 35th year of life.

I've always lived by the philosophy of finding every opportunity to celebrate. So as long as I can remember, I've always celebrated my half birthday. Of course, it's never with the extravagance of celebrating my real birthday, but I've always tried to do a little something special in honour of the half way point.

This half birthday is met with mixed emotions. I'll be 35 in 6 short months.

Thirty-five.

THIRTY-BLOODY-FIVE! I would be a liar if I said that this doesn't bother me. It. Bothers. Me. And only because I am no where near where I want to be in my personal life.

Professionally, I feel pretty good. I'm the head of something now, after having taken a hit and losing my job where I was the head of nothing. I know there will be more opportunity for me to grow in my new position and I am excited about that.

I'm in a band. That's miles ahead of where I was only 3 years ago. I've written and recorded a song. Doesn't sound like much, but that's a huge accomplishment for me. I finally got that creative ball rolling and there's no stopping it now.

Personally, I feel lousy. I'm still stuck in the same place I was when I started this blog. There has been zero positive movement. There's been a whole lot of shitbag negative movement, but who the fuck wants to celebrate that?

I took a look at a post from exactly a year ago today, and guess what? It was about me feeling sad because I had no one at home waiting for me after work. And guess what again? That fact is still true. Probably more true now seeing as at least I was going on regular dates last summer. Wow, I think I've actually made negative progress in my love life.

So now that I'm staring the big three-five in the eye, I don't feel quite so celebratory.

You know, if it wasn't for this damn screaming biological clock, I think things would be a whole lot better.

Corner Brit

2009-07-30T19:05:00.001-04:00

I have run into the Brit twice randomly, on the same corner of the city, which happens to be right across from the building I work in.

Yesterday he mentioned he would stop by to visit my office after work. I worked almost an hour late yet he never showed up.

Any chance of going out with him has now disappeared. There's no way I'd accept his invitation at this point. It's been 3 weeks since the party where he asked me out and he's yet to actually follow through by making a date. And now he can't even follow through on the simple act of popping in to say hello.

Bah. The accent is totally not worth it.

Cold Shoulder

2009-07-28T10:19:00.002-04:00

My new BFF still hasn't spoken to me since I told her everything. I heard through FilmFestGirl that she and Boy are still together.

Oh well.

(Long expulsion of air from deep within my lungs)

At least she knows the whole truth. And that's all I can do about it.

More power to her. I really hope he doesn't hurt her again.

Love Conquers All

2009-07-20T19:14:00.001-04:00

Lost love letter reunites couple after 16 years (AFP)

LONDON — A British man and his Spanish former sweetheart have finally married 16 years after they drifted apart, reunited by a love letter lost behind a fireplace for over a decade, reports said on Monday.

Steve Smith and Carmen Ruiz-Perez, both now 42, fell in love 17 years ago when she was a foreign exchange student in Brixham, southwest England, and got engaged after only a year together.

But their relationship ended after she moved France to run a shop in Paris.

A few years later, in a bid to rekindle their love, Smith sent a letter to her mother's home in Spain. It was placed on the mantelpiece, but slipped down behind the fireplace and was lost for over a decade.

The missing missive was only found when builders removed the fireplace during renovation work.

"When I got the letter I didn't phone Steve right away because I was so nervous," Ruiz-Perez told the Herald Express local newspaper.

"I nearly didn't phone him at all. I kept picking up the phone then putting it down again.
"But I knew I had to make the call."

When they were reunited, it was as if time had stood still, said Smith, a factory supervisor.

"When we met again it was like a film. We ran across the airport into each other's arms. We met up and fell in love all over again. Within 30 seconds of setting eyes on each other we were kissing.

"I'm just glad the letter did eventually end up where it was supposed to be," he said, after the couple married last Friday.

Copyright © 2009 AFP. All rights reserved.

Hell Hath Thawed

2009-07-18T21:32:00.002-04:00

It's been a week and the Brit has yet to make good on taking me out to dinner.

The day after the party, I posted a comment on his Facebook wall about a hilarious thing he'd said at the party. To which he replied, "Oh God, I don't remember".

So I messaged him and asked him what else he didn't remember. He replied the last thing he remembers was talking to me about my band. That was waaaaaaaay early in the evening. He didn't remember how he got home. I told him I'd offered him a ride but he declined. I also filled him on the fact that he gave me his number and asked me out.

When he finally responded, he told me he'd been filled in on how he got home (shared a cab with 2 other cast members) and that yes, he'd love to go out with me. He sort of remembered that.

So I wrote him back and said I'd leave it up to him to arrange for us to go out.

And I've heard nothing since.

Satan must be happy the temperatures have returned to normal down there.

Hell Hath Frozen

2009-07-13T19:29:00.004-04:00

It must be cold for Satan these days. I can't figure out how or why it happened, but hell must have frozen over this weekend because a guy asked me out.

On Saturday night, I was at a cast party for the show that I house managed during the Fringe. I was surprised I was even invited, which I guess is a great testament of my ability to a) make friends; and b) run a tight show schedule.

During the run, I developed a small crush on the lead actor. He's tall, lanky, blonde, blue eyed and British. Oh you better believe it's the accent that I fell for. :) I also developed pneumonia, which resulted in my missing 3 of the shows.

And now, for the back story...

The last time I saw the Brit before the pneumonia KO'd me was on Monday night after the show. We all gathered at the Tranzac, as we did after every show, as that is Fringe headquarters and party palace. Each night there was some sort of dance party or special event. Monday was karaoke - need I say more?

My friend Gordon showed up and we decided to do the MJ classic "The Way You Make Me Feel" as a duet and humble tribute to the late King of Pop. Gordon got a little overzealous in his dance moves and crashed onto his knees about 3/4 of the way through. And that fucked the karaoke machine so bad it stopped dead and they had to take a few minutes to reboot it. The DJ promised he'd get us back up later.

So later turned into 2 hours later and by this point, I was feeling awful and was losing my voice a bit. I had quite a husk going on. Gordon and I were called back up and we decided to continue our tribute and do "Black or White".

This time Gordon behaved and we made it through the song. As I was coming down off the stage and wheezing a little bit, the Brit appeared before me.

"You were AMAZING!!!"

I squeaked out a thank you and before I knew it, he was crushing me in a hug. Awww. Cute. :)

After that we started dancing together. Every once in a while, he'd randomly hug me, and kiss me on the cheek. Double awww.

The time came for me to say my goodbyes as I had a super important meeting at the day job the following morning. He gave me yet another hug and kiss and said, "You are so wonderful." Triple awww.

Tuesday morning came and I ended up not at the important work meeting, but at the walk-in clinic being told I had pneumonia in my right lung. I called work and told them I'd been ordered to bed. I followed that up with a call to my boss at the Fringe informing him of my disease. So no show for me that night.

Wednesday & Thursday came with more bed rest on my part, and more confusion at Fringe. Was I coming back? How many more days did I need to rest? Would I be well enough before the end of the festival?

Turns out Friday was the magical day for me. I didn't go to the day job, and I slept for most of the day so I could make it through the shift.

When I arrived at the theatre, the cast was thrilled to see me back. Apparently all hell broke loose while I was away. The Brit was particularly happy to see me. The first words out of his mouth were, "I was worried sick about you." That was followed up with another wonderfully crushing hug. He then told me he feared he'd done something offensive to me at karaoke night and that's why I didn't show up on Tuesday. The cast didn't know why I was missing until Thursday!

At those last two shows, I noticed he was making effort to come visit me whenever he could. At one point during a costume change, he peeked his head around the corner, smiled and waved.

...long back story eh?

Sooooooo, I arrived at the cast party fashionably late. The Brit had yet to arrive. I brought some beer for everyone, which made me a mini hero of sorts. I chilled and talked with members of the cast and various friends/significant others. About half an hour later, he showed up.

Upon sight he gave me another one of his patented crushing hugs and declared how thrilled he was to see me. He also mentioned he didn't think I was actually going to show up.

From that point on, we were inseparable save the occasional pee breaks and smoke breaks (for him, not me). We chatted about pretty much everything. He asked me a million questions, one of which was, "Are you single?" I begrudgingly informed him that yes indeed, I was. He also asked if I've ever had a serious relationship. I told him about my ex-husband to which he replied, "Ooooh, a divorcee! How sexy!" That made me laugh. I've never thought being a divorcee was sexy in the least.

As the night wore on, he became more and more drunk. I gotta hand it to him though, he can really hold his alcohol. I saw him put away at least 10 beers. And the more he drank, the more he flirted with me. He sat on my lap at one point - that bugger weighs less than I do, I'm sure of it. He sat beside me and held my hand for a few moments - he's got really slender fingers. And he tried to crawl up my jeans. Yes, he tried. I was standing rockin' the bass on Rock Band and he crawled along the floor and his hands found their way up my right pant leg. He tried to stuff his head up there too but thankfully there was no room. And even more thankfully, I'd shaved my legs that morning!

Around 4:30am, I finally decided I had to go home.

I gave him a hug and said I'd had a lot of fun. As we pulled back, he looked at me and said, "We're friends now right?"

"Yes, of course."

"Well, since we're friends, we could get dinner some time. Or grab a pint?"

"Yeah, that sounds good."

"I'm so happy I met you! Is it totally rude of me to be asking you out like this?"

And that's when Satan pulled on a pair of long johns for the first time in, well, eternity.

He gave me his number, another few crushing hugs and off I went. I sent him a text message shortly thereafter so he'd have my number.

And now we'll see if he actually follows through.

This Sucks

2009-07-05T22:15:00.004-04:00

It's been almost a year since my divorce was finalized. And two things haven't changed - I still don't have a boyfriend and my bangs still haven't grown out.

Nothing I do seems to make any difference in either situation. My bangs are stuck at chin length and there are no men in sight.

I do not want to die alone with shitty looking bangs.

And if one more person tells me I have to be happy about being alone, I'm gonna fucking cut their bangs and their boyfriend's balls off.

Double Whammy

2009-06-26T15:38:00.003-04:00

Yesterday had to be one of the most surreal days I've experienced since 9/11. Farrah Fawcett passed away at around 12:30PM, and a few hours later, the news broke out that Michael Jackson had too crossed the proverbial finish line.

Michael. Fucking. Jackson.

I was at dinner with DT when her phone rang. She mentioned it was probably her lawyer as she'd been leaving messages for her all afternoon.

I zoned out and stared out the window. I try not to listen in on conversations, even the half that are happening in front of me.

I glanced at DT and saw her eyes had opened up so huge I really thought they were about to fall out of her head.

My first thought was that someone had died.

Then her jaw unhinged and hit the table. Really. It was like a cartoon morphing in front of me.

My second thought was that someone had definitely died, and it was likely someone in her family.

Then she moved the phone away from her face, looked at me and said, "Michael Jackson is dead".

She may as well have spoken in Mandarin because my brain did not compute one syllable of that sentence.

What. The. Fuck?!

I grabbed my phone and dialled Fried Beans. She's the biggest MJ fan I know. She didn't answer any of her 3 numbers. I was freaking out. Finally she phoned me back. She'd seen the news break on TMZ.com. She was still at the office. She started running around, trying to find someone to tell who would be just as flabbergasted as she was. The one person she did find simply shrugged at the news. I told her I'd call her when I got home.

DT and I spent the next few hours walking around the mall in a daze. I just wanted to scream "MJ IS DEAD!" at everyone who passed by. A lot of people hadn't heard yet and as we were discussing it, we could see heads turning and eyes widening.

We went into Jacob to look for clothes. While I was trying on some pants, I heard DT tell the girls at the cash register the news. "OH MY GOD!" and "WHAT?!" rang through the store. Finally, the same reaction that had been bouncing around inside my head.

We went to Hallmark to buy DT's Dad a birthday card. Her father had a heart scare a few months ago. He's around the same age as MJ. She'd mentioned the similarities. "But your Dad didn't die". "Well, he could have."

At the cash, she told the girl about the news. At that moment, a lady and her son were walking past us. The boy must have been 10 years old at the most. He piped up, "Yup, he's dead."

I whipped my head around, "You heard about it too?"

The mother explained, "We were in the food court and it came on the news on the TV down there."

Then the little boy made the same noise a heart monitor makes when someone flat lines. BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP. He hasn't hit the age yet when one realizes they are mortal.

DT and I made a beeline for the food court and watched the news for a while. I noticed everyone around us stopping and staring at the screen. Everyone was in Shock.

After getting home, I called Fried Beans again and we watched CNN together over the phone. We mostly watched in silence, but every once in a while, she'd randomly yell NO. We talked a bit about our memories of MJ from our childhood. I had wanted that red zipper jacket so badly. My father yelled at me because it cost something like $99, which back in 1985 was a truckload of money. She told me a story about stealing her sister's MJ locket, which she later stuck into an outlet and received a mild shock.

I finally called it quits around 11:30pm, seeing as I had to get up for work this morning. She ended up watching until 4:30am.

I had nightmares about MJ all night and when I woke up this morning, I had to think for a moment. Was it real? Or did I dream it all? In those foggy moments before I was fully awake, MJ was still alive and the world hadn't flipped over on its ass.

Alas, it wasn't a dream. And the papers this morning proved it. Every major paper was carrying the story front and center. Poor Farrah Fawcett was relegated to a teeny corner on the front page of only two of them.

I guess part of the reason this is so hard for me to wrap my head around is because it's more proof that there is no escaping death. It doesn't matter if you are a famous actress or the biggest pop icon on Earth. One day, I'll join them in sweet oblivion.

It takes me back to last summer when my appendix turned on me and I almost died. I would have died alone in my apartment and who knows how long it would have been before anyone found me. At least FF and MJ had people with them when they passed on.

I guess I'm more afraid of dying alone than just dying period. Which is probably the real reason I'm so desperate to find Hubby #2 (or 3 if need be). It has nothing to do with getting too old to have children, it has everything to do with someone being there as I draw my last breath.

I'm still going to try to figure a way out of this whole stupid mortality thing. :P

It's Done

2009-06-16T12:23:00.009-04:00

My new BFF, a.k.a. Woman, knows everything now.

Every. Last. Dirty. Detail.

I did not want this to happen. But it's all out now and frankly, I do feel relieved I don't have to carry that secret around with me anymore.

It all came to a head on Sunday. But first, let's back up a few weeks.

We went for drinks one fine Tuesday night, where she revealed that she had forgiven Boy for his previous transgressions and they are once again a couple. I tried vehemently to dissuade her from going down the same path to hell. She assured me that he's "serious" now and that she blames herself for treating him so badly before. I spent the better part of an hour waxing angrily that he will only hurt her again. She took what I said to heart but in the end, decided that he makes her happy.

One thing she didn't share with me was the condition on which she accepted him back. She told him she had to be able to trust him, and that if he had anything to come clean about, he should do it then and there. So Boy opens his big fat yap and says he had a "thing" with me before getting together with her.

Fast forward to Sunday.

I was at the street festival that I mentioned in my last post. I was hanging out with Film Fest Girl, who is also friends with nBFF. We went for drinks and nachos after we'd had enough of walking around. At some point the conversation turned to Boy and nBFF. And then she dropped this line on me, "Maybe I shouldn't say anything."

Yeah right. No one says they shouldn't say anything unless they are dying to say something!

I finally forced it out of her and that is how I found out that Boy "came clean". I use the quotations with purpose because I knew without a doubt, he only told her part of the story. There's no way he told the whole truth. I know she would have never agreed to give him another chance if she knew everything.

After nBFF and I had started becoming friends, I told Boy specifically that he was never to speak a word of what happened between us. I promised him I would ruin his life if he ever told her. As far as history and the universe were concerned, he and I never happened. He looked me in the eye and SWORE to me he'd never breathe a word.

So it goes without saying that I was all sorts of pissed off after finding out he blabbed. I wanted to take the nachos we were eating and throw them on the floor. I wanted to take my pint glass and smash it against the wall. I wanted to flip the table we were sitting at. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs.

I told FFG that I was going to call nBFF and give her the whole damn truth. FFG begged me not to. But I really had no choice in this. nBFF at the very least deserves to know the whole story and then make an informed decision about whether or not to continue on with Boy.

I called nBFF as soon as I got home. I asked her to tell me exactly what Boy had told her. He said he and I had dated before she ever came into the picture.

I then informed her that was Lie Number One. The truth was he CHEATED on ME with HER. She gasped. Then it was onto Lie Number Two and the infinite number of Lies that followed. Most of which I've documented right here.

I spilled my guts for two hours and let me tell you, it wasn't pretty. She cried. I cried. She asked questions. I answered all of them, no holds barred.

As of right now, she's stepping back from everything, which includes talking and hanging out with me. I can't say that I blame her one bit.

I just pray that she walks away from him before he gets a chance to hurt her again. My good friend Fried Beans said this about the situation,

"Love is blind. I have seen you do things just as dumb. One day he will hurt her enough that she will move on. It's amazing how much we will put up with if we think there is a small chance."

Yep.

Blep.

Sigh.

Palm of My Hand

2009-06-14T19:33:00.003-04:00

There was a street festival down in the Annex today. It was such a beautiful day for walking around and just enjoying what my neighbourhood has to offer. There were lots of little booths to peruse. I bought a wicked little shirt for my friend's daughter - I'm doing my best to turn her into a rock star as early as possible.

Another booth I dropped some dough in was for a psychic named Lisa Moore, who apparently was featured in the New York Times back in 1995.

The last time I went to a psychic was around 2003. That one told me I'd be married twice. I laughed in her face as I didn't even have a boyfriend at the time. Lo and behold I would be married for the first time 3 years later.

So I figured it was time again to see what the future holds. I asked for a palm reading and here's what she had to say (in the order I can remember):

* I will live a long and happy life.
* I am a kind and giving person.
* I am generous.
* I often do not receive as much as I put out there.
* The rewards I will receive will come from a higher power.
* There is going to be financial gain in the next 6 months, not to spend, but to save.
* I will be traveling over water.
* There will be a family gathering - a family member will fall ill but will make a full recovery.
* There will be a change in my career.
* I am stuck in a holding pattern, need to get rid of the negativity I still carry around.
* I have a smile on my face, but not in my heart.
* September is my love month, with a commitment coming in the new year.

I have to say, she got a lot right. The traveling over water thing is true - my boss told me last week that it's likely I'll be going to China in September with him. That's way over a lot of water!

The negativity thing is true too. I have realized over the last few months, and especially over the last few weeks, that I'm really not over what happened in my marriage. The subject of my ex has come up almost daily and when I talk about it, I keep realizing how completely obliterated I still feel. I do walk around with a smile on my face. But my heart is totally sad.

I almost laughed in her face about the September love month prediction. Honestly, I've come to my wits end on this topic. I snuck back onto PoF this week and sent 2 messages. Both were read and deleted. I just cannot for the life of me figure out what I'm doing wrong! My picture is cute, my profile is short and to the point, and yet NOTHING. So I removed my profile again. Three times and I'm definitely OUT.

I was truly hoping that by July, specifically by the anniversary of the start of this blog, I'd at least be dating someone. My DT is already living with her new beau. Everyone around me is getting married and having babies. And I've really got nobody.

NOBODY.

It's no wonder I'm so sad on the inside.

The Gift

2009-06-07T09:44:00.003-04:00

I've tried to give this away twice. And both times, I've had to take it back. I'm hoping there will be a third opportunity. And that time, it will be charmed.

Girl Crush

2009-06-06T03:02:00.005-04:00

When I was around 7 years old, I had a crush on a teenage black girl who lived in my neighbourhood. Keep in mind this was the early 80s, so the neighbourhoods in sleepy Niagara weren't as integrated as they are now.

She was tall with medium black skin, and her hair was cropped short. She had this amazing smile and beautiful sing song voice complete with exotic accent. I really wanted to be her when I grew up.

I can't really remember how we even met. I think my Mom may have been friends with her mom. At any rate, we spent a lot of time playing at the park near my house.

One sunny day, we went to the park and climbed around the playground equipment. There was one portion that I called the tree house, because it was a box built way up high. I had always wished for a tree house but we didn't have a tree in our yard that could support that kind of structure. So I dubbed that part of the set as my own tree house.

We sat up there with the sun and the wind. I remember she was wearing a white sun dress that had colourful stripes. The white really stood out against her skin.

I'm not sure how long we were up there. In my memory, it feels like it could have been the entire day.

At one point, and I'm not exactly sure how we got to that point, she took my hand and placed it on her breast. I didn't think it was weird at all. It felt natural to me. I remember cupping her breast and thinking how perfectly it fit into my hand. I also remember feeling her shiver, and feeling goosebumps prickle up against my hand.

We sat there for a while. I wondered when I would grow breasts. I wondered why she picked me to be so close with.

And after that day I never saw her again. I can't remember why though. I'm sure it went something like this:

I went home and my Mom asked me where I'd been. I would have told her the truth, because I wouldn't have thought I'd done anything wrong. I was in the tree house holding my friend's boob. And then my Mom would have freaked out because she was a devout Catholic and had been brought up to think homosexuality is an abomination. And then she probably would have called my friend's mom and told her what happened and that I wouldn't be allowed to see her daughter again.

My poor Mom. The things she had to go through in her short time on this planet. God bless her soul.

I'm certainly not gay. But I also know that I have had crushes on girls through out my life. The same kinds of crushes I've had on boys. The kind that make your stomach flip and produce butterflies.

My current girl crush is piano player I met a few months ago, who is in my friend's band. She's a bit taller than me (I guess I like taller no matter the sex), with long, brown, curly hair. She's so warm and friendly, you can't help but like her. She's divorced too and currently looking for love.

I'm trying to convince her to ask out the drummer in the band. I've seen the way he looks at her, and the way he hangs off every word she speaks.

The ironic thing is that I've got a crush on the drummer too. Since I know I can't be with either of them, they might as well be together. How's that for twisted Freudian theories?

In the meantime, I'll just continue to enjoy her company. And maybe arrange a jam session or two where she'll play and I'll sing. We'll make sweet music together in the literal sense.

Soldier

2009-05-31T13:17:00.004-04:00

I had a bizarre dream last night.

I was on a cruise ship with my family and friends, on our way to Cuba. There was a lot of walking around trying to find people and figuring out what was happening.

I met up with my brothers in a state room on the boat and we were talking about potentially taking a new apartment together. I told them we had to make a decision as it was the last day in the month and we'd all have to give notice to our respective landlords. There was a lot of talking back and forth about the subject and at one point, I excused myself because I had to go to the bathroom.

I walked around the ship looking for a bathroom and I kept getting stopped by people I knew and totally forgetting I had to go pee. At one point, someone asked me when I was due. I was extremely puzzled by the question. I looked down and suddenly realized that I was about 8 months pregnant. Even after seeing my pregnant belly, I still didn't feel like I was carrying a child.

I looked out one of the windows and realized we'd arrived at the port in Cuba. I left the ship for a fun day on the island.

I still had to go to the bathroom so I started walking towards a park where I thought I saw a restroom area. I was wearing a long, tan trench coat and realized I was feeling very warm so I took it off.

I got into one of the stalls in the restroom, shut the door, and hung my trench coat on the hook. I looked down and saw how truly pregnant I was. I was wearing a pretty white summer dress. In that moment, I finally felt the baby. It felt like it took up space in my whole body, not just in my belly.

All of a sudden, I realized why I felt like I had to pee. It was actually that I was in labour. I felt the baby moving out of my body. I looked down and saw the baby's head. I thought, "Okay, I'd better catch my baby!"

The delivery took all of 30 seconds. I had the baby in my arms and was waiting for it to cry. Nothing. So I wiped the face and eyes and dug my fingers into its mouth.

Still nothing.

The baby was starting to turn blue and I started to freak out. I smacked its bum and rubbed its chest to try to get the breathing going.

Then the baby opened its eyes and looked at me with panic. Then its face started to scrunch up like it was about to cry.

Still nothing.

I dug my fingers into its mouth again, trying to clear the passage way. Its tongue came out and it was still looking at me with panic.

I remember thinking the baby looks just like me. Thick black hair, brown eyes and an olive complexion.

And then all of a sudden the baby started to wail.

Relief washed over me.

I remember thinking it must be a girl because of the resemblance. I did a quick check and yes, it was a girl!

Things get a little fuzzy at this point but the next thing I remember is being back on the ship with everyone congratulating me.

Someone asked me where little Soldier was. I responded that she was sleeping in my room. I asked the person to please refer to her by her given name.

"But Soldier fits her perfectly."

I smiled. Yes it did. She was my little Solider.

And then I woke up.

Sad

2009-05-26T22:46:00.000-04:00

Yes, I am.

Trying to keep in perspective. But it's hard.

Because I'm sad.

Yeah, No Kidding

2009-05-25T12:33:00.000-04:00

"I don't like being single, no. I live this fantastic life, full of all these magical things, and at the end of the day all I want to do is pick up my phone and share it with someone. The other day I'd sold a million records in the U.S. and I didn't have anyone to tell. It was actually a really lonely moment."

- Singer Katy Perry, tells the new issue of British Cosmo

True Blue

2009-05-24T23:23:00.005-04:00

I went out with my best girlfriends Blondie & Jelly to karaoke last night, where a blue-haired, tattooed, 19 year old boy decided he loved me.

We'd seen this guy a few months ago when we were at the same bar. It was his birthday that night so being the nice girl I am, I wished him a happy one. Perhaps that laid the groundwork for the decision that we were meant to be together.

He came over to our table after I'd finished singing and said hello and gave me a big hug. Cute. He mentioned he was there alone, so again, being the nice girl I am, invited him to sit with us.

From that point on, he was determined to get me to agree to go out with him.

I have to admit, it certainly was flattering. If he'd been 10 years older, I probably would have agreed. But the fact of the matter is that I'm old enough to be his mother. For seriously.

At one point, while I was in the ladies room, he appealed to my girls for advice. He wanted to know if he had a shot with me. Unequivocally, they both said NO. But that didn't stop him!

He asked me to add him to Facebook. I said sure. He asked me for my phone number. I said sure to that too. I didn't want to break his little heart any more than we already had. We literally laughed in his face when he said he was a very mature 19 year old and that he could certainly provide me with what I would need in a relationship. This was after he asked me what it was that I needed in a relationship. (Answer: A man who is strong enough to be my partner.) Oh, and he asked me for my favourite colour. (Answer: Red.)

When I awoke from my drunken coma this afternoon (thank you 2 Jim Beams & 3 Cosmos), I checked my Facebook and there was his friend request. So I accepted it as promised. And soon after I received an email from him with the subject line "Please read". So I did.

hey.. ok well here it is.. i thought bout our chat and some other things.. unno maybe your right and maybe im right i dont know.. either way i had fun.. you and the girls were awesome keep up the singing.. but i guess i am just not what you need around you. this is not a cop out. i am jsut gonna be the smart one and back off while its nothing still.. your pretty kik azz and i had fun getting to know you.. if you ever need anything or wish to chat well you know where i am.. have a great life.. see you on the flip side... Peace

I'm not really sure what he means about seeing me on the flip side. Last time I checked, I wasn't going to die anytime soon. Maybe his blue hair tells him things about the future....

I noticed that he had removed me as a friend, as when I was about to write back, FB warned me this would allow him to see my profile. Geez, that was the shortest FB relationship I've ever had.

At any rate, this is more evidence as to why I'm destined to be alone. I certainly don't want to be a cradle robber, or be with someone who admittedly has multiple personality disorder (his words, not mine). And I really do want someone who's not only strong enough to be with me, but who has a command of spelling and grammar.

Waves of Rejection

2009-05-22T21:45:00.004-04:00

It seems my ability to repel men extends to the waters of the Caribbean.

I went on a cruise with the New Kids on the Block. They advertised it as the once in a lifetime chance to hang with the guys I've been chasing for the last 20 years.

Now don't get me wrong, I never thought for one moment that I'd get more than 30 seconds with any of them. I went into it thinking if I happen to run into them around the ship, then cool. If I didn't, that would be fine as well.

Turns out that I did run into them randomly, on more than one occasion. The one I ran into most was Joey, who happens to be my favourite.

And that motherfucker broke my heart.

All I wanted was a picture of me with him. I ran into him randomly 3 times and each time I asked him (very politely I might add), he said NO. His reasoning? If he did it for me, he'd have to do it for everyone else.

Which begs the question - WASN'T THAT THE FUCKING POINT OF THE CRUISE?

After the third denial, I just threw myself at him and gave him a hug anyway. I felt like a rapist because I didn't ask permission, I just took it. I was so upset I actually went back to my room to cry. He stabbed my 34 year old heart and killed my 14 year old soul at the same time.

I'm sitting here crying just thinking about this again. I spent about $2000 on this trip and I got pretty much nothing to show for it. A stolen moment with someone I've loved with all my heart for 20 years.

There were other girls who were all waaaaaaaay hotter than me who got the opportunity for photos and autographs because they dressed like sluts and acted like total bitches. I spoke to a lot of other girls who were all feeling the same thing, "What's wrong with me?"

The cruise did nothing for my self confidence. I did not once walk around the boat in my swim suit. I was too ashamed around all the beautiful people. I usually don't care what I look like in a bikini but man, I was surrounded by 2,000 women, most of whom looked like they fell out of a fashion magazine.

At any rate, there was one small moment of awesome, in the form of my very cute waiter. His name was Sasa (pronounced Sasha) and he was from Bosnia, complete with the accent. He was tall, blonde and blue eyed. My usual suspect. :)

The first night that my roomie and I went to the formal dining room, I didn't even notice that we had a preassigned table. We just wanted to sit by a window and watch the water wave on by. The only window seat available was in Sasa's section.

It was love at first appetizer.

The second night I was wearing a little black dress with a ton of clevage, because we were supposed to dress up. The tour organizers made up these retarded theme nights on the boat. The first night was a PJ Party, the second night was Dress to Impress, and the third night was a White Party. At any rate, I was looking pretty smokin' if I do say so myself. And I think Sasa noticed because he was particularly chatty that evening.

On the final night, two friends joined my roomie and me for dinner. We'd met these amazingly awesome girls at karaoke on the first night. They were both tall, gorgeous and super nice so we all became buds. One was from St. Louis and the other from Beverly Hills.

The three girls were decked out in white while I rebelled and wore black again. It also happened to be BH's birthday that night, so she looked extra gorgeous in a beautiful white dress. So while everyone was placing their order, I managed to catch Sasa's eye and mouthed "It's her birthday". He winked and nodded.

Between dinner and dessert, Sasa came over and leaned in to whisper in my ear.

Now if I may digress for a moment... I cannot find the words to accurately describe the thrill of having a man that close to me. The way he leaned in, his arm touching my shoulder. The way he smelled. The feeling of his breath on my cheek. Yes folks, it's been *that* long.

So the reason he was leaning in (and unknowingly giving me an orgasm) was because he needed to know BH's name for the cake and off-key singing. I told him her name, and he said "What?" rather loudly. This got the rest of the table's attention. BH does have an unusual name, but seriously, who's he to judge SASA?! So I repeated her name. Everyone heard me say her name. Then he said, "See you at 1am". I giggled and he left.

The girls all automatically assumed that Sasa was interested in BH, was using me to gather information about her, and arranging a rendez-vous after his shift.

And honestly, I would have made that assumption too. She's tall, tanned, toned and drop dead gorgeous. I, on the other hand, am resembling a white potato more and more with each passing day.

So the surprise of BH's birthday cake and off-key singing had even more of an impact. None of them at the table had any clue that I had set it up in plain sight.

Afterwards, we all headed to the upper deck for the White Party. I kept my eyes peeled for Sasa while the girls kept their eyes locked on NKOTB partying in their isolated VIP area.

About half an hour later, my roomie finally put two and two together. "It was YOU he wanted to meet tonight."

Yup, potato-y me.

Needless to say, I never found him that night. It's too bad too cuz I would have fucked the accent right out of him.

Latin Lovers

2009-05-06T00:57:00.005-04:00

Tonight I met a super hot guy from Mexico. He's in town for the Hot Docs festival, at which I am a theatre rep and he, a loyal volunteer. He's a documentary film making student and is here strictly because of his passion for his craft.

I afforded him all sorts of privileges that are usually reserved for paid staff such as myself, strictly based on his hotness. It's true what they say, pretty people get all the perks. I couldn't help myself. I was going to do anything to ingratiate myself to him, in the hopes he'd talk to me with his beautifully accented voice.

After the shift was over and Señor Hottie went home, I mentioned the hotness factor to my co-rep who happens to be a bodacious, blonde, Brazilian babe. She had noted that I was making googly eyes most of the night. I asked her what she thought about him. She agreed he was cute. Then the conversation drifted to my perma-single status and I asked her if she had a boyfriend or a husband. She said she had a girlfriend to whom she is engaged.

Huh-zaaaaa! I had no clue she is a lesbian! Her status is on Facebook, and clear that she is engaged to a woman. She even asked me why I hadn't noticed that on FB. Honestly, I'm only interested in guys' statuses (I finally figured out the proper plural of status) to see if they are single.

She's totally not your stereotypical lezbot. And neither is her fiancée. These girls are super hot babes with zero masculine tendencies.

It's funny that I was just thinking to myself tonight that guys have way more selection for hotties, whether they are straight or gay. The reason I was thinking this is because part of my duties as a rep involve a lot of people watching. And as people come in and out of my theatre, I've noticed that there are way more hot gay men then there are hot lesbian women.

Every lesbian I've ever met has been an Ugh-Oh-Good-God-NO! Every gay man I've ever met (aside from one ghastly disaster) has been super hot, super stylish and super awesome, making me want to have a sex change so I can hook up with these nicely manicured men.

Any any rate, my co-rep got to go home to her hot woman. And I went home sans Señor Hottie, or any señor for that matter.

Flattering

2009-05-02T13:06:00.004-04:00

I got a call today from a friend of mine to let me know that a friend of hers wants to ask me out on a date.

I pinched myself to make sure I wasn't dreaming because this *never* happens.

Turns out about a year ago, I was over at her place when the dude came by to visit. And apparently, he hasn't stopped thinking about me since. He somehow convinced himself that I was married, and therefore, not available.

He was chatting with my friend the other day and somehow I came up in the conversation. It was then confirmed that I am in fact single. So he asked my friend for my number. She told him she'd ask.

I was embarrassed to tell her that I did not remember this dude at all. Aside from the fact that he is male, I had zero recollection of him. However, he has me burned in his brain forever according to her. He said I was "smoking hot" and had a "wicked singing voice".

So would I consider going out with this guy who apparently adores me? Of course. However, it turns out that he is a smoker. And unfortunately, that's one of my deal breakers. I told my friend to tell him thanks but no thanks. My ex husband was a smoker (along with being an abusive bastard, but I digress) and I will never go down that path again, no matter how nice the guy is.

She called up the dude and sadly informed him of my answer. His reaction? "For Paprika, I'll quit."

Totally cute and very flattering of him, but it ain't gonna happen. I told my friend to let him know he can ask me out again when he's been smoke free for at least a year. And I can bet my bottom dollar that will *never* happen. My ex husband wouldn't quit for me, and I'm certain this dude won't either.

Oh well, it was nice while it lasted.

She's Not the Only One

2009-04-30T18:38:00.001-04:00

“I am totally confident that I am an incredible artist and performer. I am extremely confident about my body, the way I dress, the way I want to look. But I have no confidence when it comes to men. Men are a disaster area for me. It’s so weird because I believe I am super sexy. I believe I am incredible, but I have absolutely no luck with boyfriends.”

- Lady GaGa told British reporters

Still Waiting

2009-04-29T00:02:00.002-04:00

Here is something I wrote in a little notebook that has been living in the bottom of my purse for the last 9 months. I'm still waiting for this guy to show up.

July 28, 2008

He will have kind eyes.
He will have a bright smile.
He will be loving and gentle.
He will have a great sense of humour.
He will be extremely patient.
He will want children.
He will pay me the attention I want and need.
He will be a great listener.
He will protect me always.
He will be understanding and respectful of my past.
He will put my feelings first.
He will never raise his voice in anger.
He will work hard at keeping our relationship solid.
He will appreciate the things I like.
He will always express his love for me.

New Matches

2009-04-27T12:11:00.003-04:00

I keep getting emails from PoF, telling me there are NEW MATCHES!!!!

Whoopee.

I guess they didn't get the memo that I quit dating.

The matches I need are the kind that make fire. So I can burn everything down around me.

Chef Jeff x2

2009-04-20T02:53:00.005-04:00

I was at a local restaurant tonight for my friend's show. I was the guest singer last week. Went to check out this week's guest performer and to check out the drummer who I think is hot.

The chef at the restaurant, Jeff (ironic!), was there hanging out after his shift. He remembered me from last week. He sat down and started chatting with me. He had blue eyes, a beard and a cool poorboy Kangol hat.

At one point I grabbed his hand to pull him closer so I could tell him something. I didn't let go of his hand cuz it felt nice. He leaned in and said, "Can we stop that?" Ouch. I let go.

I went to the bathroom to regain some sense of dignity. When I came back, he decided he wanted me. He placed his hand on my thigh. He asked me to come home with him. I said no. He said, "You like trouble". I said, "I am trouble". He said, "Prove it". I said, "I don't have to prove anything". He said, "Show it". I said, "I don't gotta show anything".

I started dancing. That gave him a semi which he had no shame in adjusting in front of everyone.

We talked for a bit at the bar where he let a fart go that smelled really bad. He owned up to it.

I danced some more and he told me I was sexy. He also told me that he watched me sing last week and he could tell how sexy I was. And that I'm well proportioned. Hmmm.

I told him I had to leave. He gave me a hug, and then made out with my face. It was nice having a man kiss me. I did wish it was the drummer though.

Kissing a man with a beard was awesome.

But I came home alone. Part of it is knowing I'd get him here and he'd pass out cold. And the other part is that I haven't waxed in about 2 months.

That saved my chastity, for tonight at least. I'll go back next week and see if he even remembers my name.

Metamorphosis

2009-04-18T00:04:00.003-04:00

When I was married, I had a relationship status line that proudly boasted "MARRIED" on my Facebook profile.

When I threw out my husband, my relationship status changed to "IT'S COMPLICATED".

When he signed the separation agreement and moved all his shit out, my relationship status changed to "SINGLE". And after that, every time I logged into Facebook, "SINGLE" would scream in my face. That got me really mad and so I took it off my profile all together.

And in the two years since, I've watched other friends relationship statuses (stati? statii??) change from "SINGLE" to "IN A RELATIONSHIP", to "ENGAGED" and eventually to "MARRIED". I haven't seen any of them change back the way mine did.

I really, really, REALLY want to put my status up there again. I'm not afraid to say that I'm totally jealous of all my girlfriends who have been able to go through Relationship Status Metamorphosis. I want to be able to put it out there and show the world that yes, someone loves me too!

I'm sad that my status is still non existent. I'm not even qualified to call myself single, because to me, single means out there and dating and having an awesome time. Which I am not, not and definitely NOT.

I need a new status category: ALONE.

Chapel of Ugh

2009-04-10T11:13:00.003-04:00

I'm prepping for an audition today. It's for a 60's type girl group, a la The Supremes. The audition song is "Chapel of Love" by The Dixie Cups. (Why did all 60's girl groups have such barf-tastic names?)

I've been singing this song over and over and over for the last hour and I'm ready to scratch my eyes out.

I remember that was the song going through my head the day I got married. And I actually did get married in a little chapel, in Las Vegas. It really was the happiest day of my life. The sky was blue, the birds were singing, and all that other nonsense you see and hear when you're retardedly in love.

I hope I don't barf all over my shoes at the audition. This song is really starting to make me nauseous.

Reinforcement

2009-04-05T23:21:00.002-04:00

I went out last night with my friend and her husband for a mutual friend's 30th birthday bash. I brought along two single gal pals as the Birthday Boy is single, and the word was he'd be bringing a bunch of his single friends.

I arrived with the Married Couple and greeted the BB. BB introduced me to a few of his single guy pals. My single gal pals arrived about half an hour later and they greeted the BB and the gaggle of guys.

I tried talking to a few of the dudes, but they just weren't reciprocating. So I hung and danced with the Married Couple. I had a good time up until the strap on my purse broke. Then it was just awkward trying to hold my purse and wave-my-hands-up-in-the-air-like-I-just-didn't-care.

Single Gal #1 ended up making out with BB for the entire night. Single Gal #2 ended up making out with a friend of BB.

So there's proof again that I repel men into the arms of my girlfriends. Good thing I'm on a break from dating otherwise my feelings would have been hurt.

The Answer

2009-04-04T19:53:00.003-04:00

For years I (and others) have been asking why men don't find me attractive. And not just that, but the fact that I'm invisible to them when I'm out at bars and clubs.

Well today I finally got my answer, from the Goddess herself, Oprah.

Friday's episode was all about sex. One of the topics covered was the unconscious attraction between men and women. These unconscious attractions are dependent on the scents we emit. Women are particularly attractive to men during during ovulation because we emit copulins. When a man catches a whiff of a girl's copulins, she suddenly becomes more attractive to him.

There was a study done which had a group of men inhale undetectable amounts of copulins while looking at pictures of women. They were asked to rate how attractive the women were. It was shown that while inhaling the copulins, the men lost all ability to truly rate the attractiveness of the women, because they suddenly were all attractive!

This is what Oprah calls an "ah ha moment"!

I haven't ovulated in 10 years because I've been on the pill. Boys don't like me because they can't smell me.

I'll probably be going off the pill in 3 months anyway as my medical benefits will cease at the end of my severance period.

Oh the irony.

Enough Already

2009-03-18T20:19:00.004-04:00

That is it. For real. I'm DONE.

I reopened my PoF account last week. A guy messaged me a few days ago. We made a coffee date for tonight. I emailed him the address and nearest intersection, just to be clear. He messaged me this morning, confirming for tonight at 7pm.

At 7:20pm I was still sitting there alone.

JESUS H. CHRIST.

I just cannot take any more rejection.

So that's it. I'm finished for now. Alone I shall travel through this unholy hell we call life.

Drunken Cupid

2009-03-16T00:03:00.003-04:00

I went out on Friday with my new BFF and drank a truck load of wine. (What else is new really?)

Saturday morning I had to get up early for a baptism. As I usually do when I wake up, I checked my email. I was quite hung over (read: still drunk) and through my bleary eyes, I saw a few emails in my box from OKCupid.com

WTF? I don't recall ever signing up for OKCupid. Very confused, I clicked on one of the emails. "You've got a message waiting! Click here!"

Normally I would think a message like that was junk mail, however the message referred to me as Paprika. No junk mail is that smart, so I clicked on the link and I was whisked away to OKCupid.

Apparently I had a profile there. Which I signed up for the night before. I went through the whole process of putting together a profile and uploading a picture. I have NO recollection of any of it! Methinks that's called a blackout.

Until today, I couldn't figure out how the hell I even knew about OKCupid. I was checking Pink Collar's blog and she referenced OKCupid in one of her posts. In my drunken stupor, I probably made the decision to sign up.

I really need to install a breathalyzer control on the power button for my computer.

For Everyone Else

2009-03-14T02:43:00.002-04:00

I'm great at hooking people up.

Not so great at hooking up myself.

I ask my friends for help, and in a passive agressive way, they refuse.

I must really be awful.

*hic*

Six Words

2009-03-12T08:53:00.003-04:00

JT and I hung out for pretty much the whole day yesterday. We attended a taping of "The Hour" and then stuffed our faces with sushi at Hosu. I gotta say, hands down, Hosu has the best sushi in the city.

After putting away our chopsticks, we took a walk over to the gigantic Chapters store that resides at the corner of Richmond St. & John St. JT and I are huge book lovers so we were in there for quite a while.

JT came across this little book sitting next to a book I had picked up. The book she discovered was called "Six-Word Memoirs on Love & Heartbreak".

I put down Obama's Inauguration and picked up Six Words. The first page I randomly flipped to read "Married by Elvis. Divorced by Friday."

Oh wow did that ever hit close to home.

For the next few minutes, JT and I read aloud the words that moved us. And a few minutes after that JT had purchased several copies of the book, one of which was gifted to moi.

We sat in Second Cup after that, each reading our copy of the book. And as we sat there reading and sipping our vanilla bean lattes, JT's phone rang. It was her ex-husband. And he had six words for her.

"We are just signing the papers."

JT has been held hostage by her ex for the last 2 years. After they split she moved out, he stayed in the marital home. The agreement was she'd sign over the title to him, as long as he secured financing to take over the entire mortgage. She signed, he lost his job but neglected to tell JT that minor detail. JT started getting phone calls from the bank wondering where the mortgage payments were. Her ex assured her he'd take care of it. A year and half of broken promises later, JT retained counsel and the ex was forced to do the right thing and sell the house.

That phone call was him informing her that the house was indeed sold.

Cue the Hallelujah chorus!

We high-fived, we shook, we shimmied. We went for drinks. I watched JT grin ear to ear. I was so happy to have been there for that moment. I took pictures! It was fantastic!!

We parted ways - she off to tell her boyfriend the good news in person, me off to my couch where I've been falling asleep to the TV over the last several weeks.

I had a dream last night about my ex husband. We were in Mexico. I think we'd arrived there separately. And when we saw each other, we fell in love all over again. He was kind and nice and gentle. I could tell that time had passed and he had healed. We laughed. We embraced. We made love. I told him how much I missed him and how I'd never stopped loving him.

And when I woke up this morning, confusion set in for those first moments of consciousness. And then six words came to my mind.

"In my dreams, you are perfect."

JT or UT

2009-03-05T21:40:00.001-05:00

My DT and I promised each other that only one of us would have a crisis at a time. The overlapping of our divorces was not the ideal situation.

Well that promise has fallen all to shit.

I lost my job today. DT is also in a current state of unemployment.

DT shall hence be known as JT. And I ain't talking Justin Timberlake. She is now my Jobless Twin. Or UT - Unemployment Twin. I haven't decided which moniker sounds better.

Either way, we're both going through the same shit together, again.

Sheesh.

I Must Be Hideous

2009-03-05T00:33:00.002-05:00

Just got home from ChefGeoff's place. I brought over a bottle of wine and we ordered in. I didn't know this, but he's deathly allergic to wine, so I drank the whole damn bottle myself. He drank some rye & ginger.

I flirted. I laughed at his jokes. I asked him all sorts of questions about stuff that mattered to him. I snuggled up against him while we watched 2 episodes of Friends, the Star Wars episode of Family Guy, and an episode (probably the pilot) of Married, With Children.

And in return? I got a walk to the subway and a kiss on the cheek.

I must be the most hideous creature to ever exist on the planet.

10 months until I get impregnated by my donor. That's as close as I'll ever get to a loving relationship.

Vomit

2009-03-03T13:02:00.001-05:00

I just finished lunch with Mike. And I don't know why, but I feel like puking. He makes me want to puke. Puke! PUKE!

It could be the Mozza burger I scarfed down, or it could be him. I don't know if it's a repulsive reaction, or a reaction much like on South Park when Stan really likes Wendy to the point that he vomits.

I spent most of the lunch ranting about my crazy ex husband, who's insanity has resurfaced over the last week. And Mike sat there and listened to every last word. At appropriate times he would nod, or shake his head, or make an noise of understanding. And I just kept going and going and going...

To and from the food court, he held my hand. He gave me kisses upon arrival and departure. AND I WANTED TO PUKE.

When I got back to the office, I went to the ladies room to wash my hands and face so I could get rid of his scent. BECAUSE IT MAKES ME WANT TO PUKE.

If this is my reaction to a nice guy, then there's really no hope for me. I'm better off alone rather than nauseous.

Panic

2009-03-02T23:20:00.002-05:00

Without fail, for the last 9 days, Mike has phoned/emailed/texted/Facebooked. WITHOUT FAIL. (Did I mention he hasn't missed a single day?)

I think the Universe has sent him to remind me what it's like when a guy is really into me. And yes, I've read the book. I've even bought the book twice. The first copy was lent out and was never returned. The second copy is currently with my cousin, but I know where she lives so I can get it back at some point.

At any rate, the Universe did not send me the antidote to the PANIC I've been feeling over said 9 days. And there's nothing in "He's Just Not That Into You" that addresses this situation.

It's silly for me to be PANICking. He likes me. This I am sure of. So why the PANIC?!

Perhaps it's because I know he's leaving, which by the way, has been bumped up from April 1st to March 23rd. Perhaps it's because I'm nuts. Perhaps it's because I human.

He called me tonight and I didn't answer the phone. PANIC.

He left a voice mail I have yet to check. PANIC.

He's taking me out for lunch tomorrow. PANIC.

I must be one of "those people", who's only happy when it rains.

Another Mike

2009-02-22T09:16:00.007-05:00

I went out on Friday night with two of my friends, Red & KP to celebrate KP's birthday. We ended up hitting the ultimate dive of a bar for karaoke. The host called the show "Oki Doki Karaoke". Totally made me laugh!

There was a boy there who fit the bill of what I like - tall, thin, blue eyes and crazy tattoos all down both arms.

I was already a bottle of wine into lala land when we arrived, and it took about 4 more rum & cokes to gather the nerve to convince Red to approach the tattooed cutie. Remember folks, I have ZERO self confidence. It is much easier to get turned down via an intermediary rather than straight to my drunken face.

As luck would have it, the cutie agreed to Red's proposal that he come hang with us. Turns out his name is Mike (what is it with that name lately?) and he was just so sweet and adorable. It also turns out that Mike will be moving to Saskatoon come April 1st. Can't win 'em all eh?

By the end of the night, Mike had asked me for my number. Hurrah! I gave him one of my snazzy new business cards (the same one as I gave to Firkin Mike), and in exchange, I got a sweet little kiss goodnight.

When I finally awoke yesterday morning, from my wine & rum riddled coma, I flipped on my computer to find an email from him saying it was nice to meet me. I also discovered a friend request on Facebook. How very nice!

I know this will go absolutely no where, but it's nice to have someone pay me some attention.

Missing My Mom

2009-02-20T13:25:00.002-05:00

Twenty-five years ago today, my mother passed away from breast cancer.

This was her favourite song, especially towards the end.

I love you Mom. One day we will be together again.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y2YOGfBFAbs

Through the Looking Glass

2009-02-17T23:59:00.004-05:00

I have to say, tonight is not what I expected it would turn out to be.

Boy asked me out for drinks with his best bud from elementary school. We'll call her Crack Lady, because she was royally FUCKED off one glass of wine. That leads me to believe she must have done CRACK before hand.

At any rate, the pub we end up at is where Woman happens to be.

At first, I'm completely uncomfortable, as per usual when I happen to be sitting across from her. But by the end of the night, we became BFFs.

She still has no clue about me & Boy. She talked to me about him, the way one would talk when looking for comfort or advice.

And the fucking sad thing is she sounded exactly like me.

Instead of running away, I faced it head on. And as much as I was talking to her, I was really talking to me.

I told us that we deserve better. I told us we are amazing, strong, intelligent, HOT women. I told us it's better to be alone than miserable dealing with Boy's retarded shit. I told us that relationships are work, but not insanely fucking crazy awful work. I told us that it's okay that Boy doesn't want a relationship, but he's a fucktard and doesn't deserve someone as awesome as us.

And after all of that, she managed to smash a glass of wine which ended up in my lap, glass shards and all. And she broke up with Boy over email.

The irony is not lost on me folks.

Who knows, maybe we were meant to be brought together this way, to light the path to our proper destinies. Or maybe it was just to be miserable with company. Either way, it was a positive experience (minus the red wine spillage).

I'm going to get a McChicken now, to soak up all the red wine.

Fin.

2009-02-16T10:17:00.006-05:00

Lava is allowing users to see who's looked at their profile for free this Vday weekend. So I clicked on "who's viewed me" and started scrolling. Maybe ignorance is truly bliss because I discovered the following:

- The age of the youngest man to look at me was 19, the oldest 63. Seriously, 63? My father is 73. That just makes me feel dirty.

- All of the guys I've smiled at who viewed my profile did not smile back.

- Two women checked out my profile, but didn't smile at me. WTF? I am unappealing to both sexes.

- And this guy:

I was in a band of his. He is the biggest asshole that has ever walked the planet, hence the reason I quit his band. I guess his wife finally figured out what an asshole he is, hence the reason he's on Lava.
After seeing that, I felt even more gross than knowing a 63 year old checked me out.

And the level of disgust has turned me right off the whole internet dating thing, and dating period.

I just have to finally accept the fact that I am not meant to have a life partner. ChefGeoff has effectively disappeared. Firkin Mike never called back. Boy is back with Woman.

I'm done.

I May Just Have A Fucking Stroke

2009-02-15T15:54:00.005-05:00

Looks like my ex-husband is now someone else's husband. Here's a particularly shiteous picture of him and his bride (who is Baby Mama #2).

And here's the close up of the evidence.

I fucking hate him. And I fucking hate Facebook.

Hallmark Day

2009-02-14T16:48:00.003-05:00

DT came over to keep me company today. I helped her make a Vday card for her beau while we watched a Ross & Rachel marathon on TVTropolis.

It was nice to have someone here who loves me.

Thank you DT. ♥

Firkin Mike

2009-02-13T16:29:00.003-05:00

He just called me on my cell. I cannot believe this guy is actually trying to hook up with me. Well, come to think of it, he probably thinks I'm easy seeing as when we met, I was busy making out with Boy.

I told him to call me tomorrow. Let's see how crazy this guy really is.

Birthday Fun

2009-02-09T02:23:00.002-05:00

I was out last night getting wrecked with my best friend Blondie. We hit a local Niagara pub for karaoke where I drank rum & coke all night. (At a fraction of what it would have cost up in the Tdot, I might add.)

There were a lot of cute (young) guys there. But none of them seemed to notice me - even after I rocked the mic with Pink's "So What?" Blondie and I were dancing later and this one guy marched right across the pub towards me, locking eyes, and then at the last minute, spun right around and headed back to his table. I laughed out loud at that. It's like he thought I was cute from across the bar, and as he got closer, realized I was probably about 10 years older than he.

We got back to Blondie's place around 3am were I unceremoniously passed out cold on her couch. I woke up around 8:30am and drove over to my Dad's place.

My brother and Dad woke up around 11:30am and gave me my birthday present - Ugly Betty Season 1 and Lady Gaga's album "The Fame". My little bro wanted to take me out to lunch but I insisted we just order pizza and hang out.

I threw on a toque and my coat over my PJs and headed out with brother in tow to the Fort Erie Mall to pick up some pizza.

Back in the day, my brothers, friends and I would spend hours at the Mall. Even though there really wasn't much, it was our after school and weekend playground. Gino's Pizza has been in that mall ever since I can remember, and at one point after I graduated from university, my boyfriend at the time had a job delivering pizzas for Gino's.

Walking in there brought back those memories, which I honestly had pretty much forgotten about. I remembered the nights I'd go meet up with the BF and wait for his shift to be over. We'd bring home stacks of unsold slices, which ended up being breakfast, lunch and dinner for the next few days.

My brother and I placed an order for the walk-in special, which came out to a whopping $5.65. The clerk told us it would be about 10 minutes, so we decided to walk around the Mall.

It's pretty much deserted now. The Walmart down the street effectively put the whole Mall out of business. The only things left aside from Gino's is a Sears Outlet (where you pick up items you order from the catalogue), a no-name discount clothing store, a barber shop (the same one!) and Zellers.

We went to Zellers where I immediately jumped onto a floor model elliptical machine. I can only imagine how ridiculous I looked with my red coat, green toque and pyjama pants, madly pumping away.

After my 2 minute work out, we shuffled back to Gino's, grabbed the pizza, drove through Timmy's and headed back to the house.

We jammed that pizza into our heads as fast as we could and played a few rounds of Rock Band before I had to leave to make my way back up to the Tdot for the Kevin Smith Film Fest. I bought a pass as a birthday present to myself. The films were fantastic and of course Kevin Smith was damn hiliarious during his Q&A.

I'm glad to say I didn't feel lonely at all on this birthday. And I spent it exactly the way I wanted to.

LSD and Lesbians

2009-02-06T13:27:00.005-05:00

The more I hang out with ChefGeoff, the more I like him. This folks, is a tremendous departure from what usually happens when I met someone. I think there may be some chemistry happening!

Dinner last night was at a local Mexican restaurant. Arrival time was 5:30pm, and he was already waiting for me. Punctuality is a lost art form these days and definitely doesn't go unnoticed by me.

We drank Sol, munched on the free tortillas & dip and started talking. And talking, and talking, and talking. We eventually ordered from a waiter that Geoff swears was a dude who could drink beer through his nose.

I can't begin to tell you all of the topics we covered, but it was the spectrum. There were a few things he divulged that I think required a lot of trust. One of the things I pride myself on is the fact that people generally trust me within a very short period of time. And it looks like Geoff is no exception. :)

He told me he used to dabble in hallucinogenic candies such as LSD. He described his hilarious first experience with it. I told him I've never done drugs and he was shocked to pieces. I usually get that reaction - probably because people figure I must have done something in the past to damage my brain just enough to be the wacky lady you know and love today. :P

Another tidbit he shared was his belief that his mother is a lesbian. His parents divorced a few years ago after 30+ years of marriage. His theory - she's been a closet lezbot all these years and she's finally stepped a little closer to the closet door by leaving his father. He told me he would never ask her, and they've never discussed it, but he's pretty sure the "friend" she takes on vacations with her is mowing his mother's lawn.

About half way through our meal (he had enchiladas, I had nachos), I suddenly felt sick. My tummy got all twisted and it really felt like I was about to explode. I quickly excused myself to the ladies room.

Without grossing you out, everything I'd just eaten came right back out, loudly. I don't know if I was having a bad reaction to the beef on the nachos (I'd had beef a few days earlier with the same effect), or if it was my nerves finally rearing their ugly heads. Whatever the reason, I was praying that no one would come into the washroom until I left.

When I got back to the table, I glanced at my watch and it was around 7pm. We chatted some more and then he excused himself to the washroom. I looked at my watch again, and it read 9:13pm! Honestly, I thought I'd been back at the table for about 20 minutes but had been over TWO HOURS! WOW.

We got the cheque shortly thereafter, which he picked up, and made our way to the subway. I was only riding one stop with him so it was a short goodbye. He hugged me and asked if we could get together next week. Yay!

By the time I got home, there was a text message waiting from him, thanking me for the great night. I replied with my own thanks and asked him to call me sometime.

I'm trying not to get excited about him so I don't end up being disappointed. But I think he's got great potential.

I Need Rehab

2009-02-05T10:14:00.003-05:00

I need rehab or a vibrator. I slept with Boy again last night.

I KNOW! STOP YELLING AT ME PEOPLE!

He's just like a disease, without any cure - so goes the song. I can't help it. I especially can't help it when it's been over a month since I've had a warm body in my bed. And I really, truly, especially can't help it when I am drinking with him. I admit it, I'm weak. A weak, horny woman in her mid thirties.

However, an interesting thing happened while I was out drinking and snogging.

Boy went to the bathroom, and while he was gone, a really cute guy sitting at the bar was totally checking me out. To the point where we were having a stare down. He mouthed, "Come here" and I mouthed back, "You come here". And then he shook his head and mouthed, "What about your man?" To which I replied audibly, "Oh he's no one." The guy looked puzzled, as he clearly saw me & Boy making out not 2 minutes before. I repeated, "He's really nobody."

At that moment, Boy comes back. And he asks me if I'm talking to myself. Of course I was talking to myself! Because it would be impossible that another man at the very same bar could find me hot and sexy and want to hook up with me.

We finished our drinks shortly thereafter and got ready to leave. Boy headed out the door first and I lagged behind a little bit. He looked behind, wondering where I was. I told him I needed a moment to fish my Metropass out of my purse. He said he'd meet me outside where he would be having a smoke. Perfect.

I instead fished out a business card and marched right up to the guy and told him to call me. He tried to stop me from leaving but I told him I really had to go.

Boy and I grabbed a bus back to his place and about 5 minutes into the ride my cell phone starts buzzing. I look at the number and it isn't one I recognize.

"Hi, it's Mike, from the bar."

HA! OMG HE WAS CALLING!

"Hey, I'm on a bus, can't really talk."

"I'm still here waiting for you."

"Yeah, I had to go, sorry. But give me a call tomorrow okay?"

"Ok."

Boy and I then continued our make-out session and that carried over into a session where we rocked each other's world.

I've got a date tonight with ChefGeoff. I don't think it'll be too hard to put Boy out of my mind. I'm just treating it like going to the gas station for a fill up. No big whoop.

Well We'll See

2009-01-31T14:21:00.003-05:00

I thought there was no hope of actually meeting ChefGeoff. But he surprised me and asked for an impromptu meeting at a coffee shop on the Danforth last Saturday.

He looked just like his picture, only I couldn't tell he had these amazing crystal blue eyes. That made it very easy to maintain eye contact, which I usually cannot do when I like somebody.

We talked about a wide range of topics - his education, my education, politics and even the weather. But the weather talk was more centered around global warming, so it was small talk on a grandiose scale.

The date had a finite end point - the start of his shift. Oh, did I mention he went from being a chef to a paramedic? Yup, he's a real life Superman, saving lives all over the city of Toronto. :)

He walked me to the subway station and as I turned to leave, he gave me a big hug and said we should meet up for dinner the following week.

Well, it's the following week and he has yet to find time in his schedule for dinner with me. Now don't get me wrong, I can totally cut him slack as he does work night shifts SAVING LIVES. That's gotta be exhausting without a doubt. However, there are times when I see him online via Facebook or Lava and it just makes me wonder why we couldn't have spent that time together, figuring out if we like each other enough to you know, date.

The plan is to meet next Thursday, as that's the only night we both have free in our very busy lives.

In the meantime.....

Boy has popped back up in my life. We went out for drinks a few nights ago where he told me that he misses me and wants to revive our sexual relationship. I told him as long as he's still sleeping with Woman, I'm not game. Then he had the audacity to ask me how I'd feel if he dated my friends. I told him unequivocally I would NOT be a means to his end. I told him if he wants to be friends with me, it's because he wants to spend time with me, and not because he may meet more meat through my social circles.

Honestly, just when I think it can't get any more ridiculous, he comes out with shit like that. I kinda feel sorry for him though. He's clearly mentally retarded. And I feel socially responsible to make sure the retard doesn't hurt himself with any sharp objects. Like a letter opener, which I may have been holding at the time.

No Surprise There

2009-01-22T21:11:00.001-05:00

I never heard back from ChefGeoff about going out tonight. I sent him a message today through Lava. I know he was online, cuz Lava tells you that stuff. So I guess he changed his mind about actually meeting me.

Yup. Same shit, different asswipe.

Just Delete

2009-01-17T14:01:00.005-05:00

About 6 months ago, the motherboard in my home computer blew up. Okay, it didn't blow up, it probably got shorted out during several power outages in my building and hence met its untimely death.

I had 3 hard drives in my case. One of them was about circa 1994, another probably circa 2002, and then a new-ish one. At any rate, I had to ask Faux Beau to pull the data off the new-ish one and store it on his hard drive before I reinstalled Windows and installed the new motherboard.

Only recently did I figure out that I didn't get all the data back from Faux Beau's hard drive. We went through a whole rigamarole in figuring out what I had, what he still had, and then transferring the missing data with an external hard drive I borrowed from work.

Today I was supposed to be over at a friend's house to help out with a party she's throwing at the end of the month, however I woke up with a wicked sore throat. So instead of going over and spreading my germs, I decided to stay home and spend some time cleaning up my hard drives.

I found a folder buried in some other folders labelled "Pictures". I take a ton of pictures and because of my three hard drive problem, kept them all over the place. In this particular folder, there was an AVI file labelled "Picture 061". I double clicked to see what it was.

Turns out, it was a video clip of when my ex husband proposed to me at karaoke in front of all my friends.

It took about two seconds before I started bawling my eyes out. I turned it off and flung myself onto the couch. Gizmo came over and immediately started purring loudly and he gave me a kitty hug. My cat knows when I'm in pain and he's so awesome that he tries to make me feel better.

So do I delete this? Or leave it buried in my archives? Part of me wants to delete it so I don't accidentally upset myself again. But another part of me wants to keep it, only because right now I feel like I will never have someone propose to me again. And if it never happens again, at least I will have a record of it having happened once in my life.

Everything isn't quite so fine in '09...

PB

2009-01-15T14:05:00.008-05:00

Today has been a hair-pulling kind of day at work. My phone just would not stop ringing. I kept trying in vain to get away from my desk to go grab some lunch.

Finally around 1pm, I put my phone on forward, bundled myself up in my beautiful red winter coat, threw on my hat, grabbed my awesome oversized purse and started for the door.

As I approached the glass doors to our department, the whole management team was about to walk in. One of them is a hottie director of project management who I've had a crush on for about 6 months.

One of the other directors held the door open and waited for me to exit. As I was walking through the crowd, the hottie says, "You look like Paddington!"

"Thank you, I think." was my reply. There were a couple of girls waiting for the elevator when this went down and I asked them if I should take that as a compliment. One girl said yes, because bears are warm and fuzzy and you want to hug them. One girl said no, because...well he said I looked like a bear!

(sigh) I was going to screw up the nerve to ask him out too. (double sigh)

101

2009-01-14T13:19:00.004-05:00

I just logged into my Lava account and saw that under my "relationship" profile, I've had 101 people view me. Now I say "people" rather than "men" because there could be some ladies out there who are interested in my awesomeness. I won't know for sure because it costs $14.99 a month to have such a privilege, along with sending messages and chatting. It's always free to reply, so I've been coasting on the generousity of the guys who've reached out to me.

I'm happy to say I've had quite a few IM and email messages sent my way. But there have only been 3 guys that I've had any interest in. The first was "The Yeti" (real name Scott). A tragic nickname but boy was he cute and he had a fantastic smile. We IM'd a few times, never at the same time though, so I sent him my email address and asked him to drop me a line. I haven't heard a peep from him since. Splat. :P

The second was "SharpDressedMan2" (real name Jeff). He didn't have a public picture so I asked him for his backstage pass. (It's sooooooo stupid that Lava even has this feature. People should be forced to show themselves! It's not like when you go out to a bar, you put a bag over your face when you are talking to people you are interested in. GEEZ.) He sent it and he looked alright to me. However I did get a sense of uneasiness when I looked at his eyes. They looked kind of angry, which totally reminds me of my ex husband. He'd smile with his face, but never with his eyes - pure evil. At any rate, Jeff and I exchanged MSN addresses.

The next day I initiated a chat with him and he was all like "Who IS this?" OMG, we'd chatted via the Lava chat window not 24 hours earlier and he'd already forgotten me? And once he figured it out, he just kept saying "What's up?" Seriously. Like 5 times in a row. He'd ask what's up, and I'd reply "Oh just procrastinating at work, how about you?" Then I'd see nothing for about an hour until I'd get another "What's up?" Yeah. He's going nowhere real fast.

The third is "ChefGeoff" (real name, you guessed it - Geoff). A long, curly haired, red headed chef turned paramedic/teacher. That grabbed my attention immediately. He sent me an email and a backstage pass. I liked what I saw so I wrote him back. And I'm currently waiting for a reply...

I guess I'm giving Lava a little longer chance than I gave PoF. But that could all change depending on if ChefGeoff is actually a douche.

Million Dollar Question

2009-01-12T10:11:00.005-05:00

I went out for drinks with my friend Carolyn the other night. We went to The Irish Embassy, a trendy downtown pub on Yonge Street. Walking in felt like winning the lottery as every guy there was HOT. However, the lottery feeling soon washed away when it was evident most were married - guys at trendy pubs wear their wedding rings.

Carolyn had called her friend Peter (who is also single) to join us as our wing man. He showed up about an hour after we arrived.

When he arrived, he immediately started talking to my boobs. I have to admit I was wearing a top that had a lot of cleavage, however I was getting annoyed with the fact that my boobs were having more conversations with him than I was.

It's too bad too cuz he was kind of cute, and I could have been swayed to at least sleep with him if he hadn't totally turned me off by talking to my chest.

At one point, where he was actually addressing me and not my girls, he asked, "Why is such a lovely lady like you still single?"

Why indeed? There were a million ways I could have answered that, but I came up with "Well, actually, I'm divorced."

I know that divorced still equals single. However if I'm doomed to single hood for the rest of my life, I at least want it known that at some point in my past, there was one person who found me desirable enough to make me his wife. That puts me one step up on the Ladder I've built in my mind.

The bottom rung is never married, never had a boyfriend and never been kissed. The second rung from the bottom is divorced. Then there's a million rungs in between, leading up to the top rung which is happily married with kids and a fantastic career.

At any rate, if I knew the answer to his question, don't ya think I'd have fixed it by now? I wish it were that easy. "Oh, the reason I'm still single is because my hair isn't curly enough. I'm off to the hairdresser tomorrow to get a perm and by night fall, I should be happily coupled!"

And the reason he's still single? Just ask my boobs, they'll tell ya.

Karma

2009-01-10T15:18:00.001-05:00

Facebook sure has brought a ton of people back into my life, even in a limited profile sort of way. One of those people who has popped up was a guy I went to elementary school with named Eddie B.

I was in LOVE with him in Grade 5. We "went out" for a few days and then he dumped me for my friend Elana. I was heart broken. For years after, he would make fun of me, calling me ugly and stuff.

Even as we went on to high school, he hung with the "cool kids" and I apparently was too much of a loser for him to even acknowledge my presence, never mind admit that was once I was his "girlfriend".

I got a friend request last week from him. So I added him, expecting he would be non communicative like 3/4 of the others on my friend list. About 10 minutes after I added him, he sent me an email asking me what I've been up to in the 15 years since high school. I filled him in, including the fact that I am divorced. He wrote me back, divorced as well + 2 kids. At the end of the email he asked me out for drinks sometime.

I had a true laugh-out-loud moment as I read that. He never spoke to me in high school and now 15 years later he wants some quality one-on-one time? Yeah right. That smacks of desperation. Oh, and he's fat now too.

I love karma.

[ ]

2009-01-07T23:22:00.005-05:00

I've spent the last hour searching through profiles on Lava. There are quite a lot of unremarkable looking people. Not ugly, just not really anything.

Of the few pictures that I've seen which have tickled my fancy, I've tried imagining what it would be like to meet them, get to know them, and perhaps even have a relationship with them.

And then my brain goes numb and I just can't really bring about a picture in my mind of what that would actually be like.

I think I've hit a true mental block. I just can't envision this ever happening. I wish there was a way to download the feeling and post it here. It's like a big, blank, white space with nothing in it.

And the harder I think about it, the more tired I get. Really, really, t.i.r.e.d. I just cannot fathom having to go through all the get-to-know-you shit again. It was hard enough dating before I met my husband, and now to have to start all over! But now it's with a rag-tag-patched-up heart to protect along with a huge void where my self confidence used to reside and a big ol' chip on my shoulder.

Oh I think I'll be shutting down my Lava account before the week is over. I'm just so over it and the whole scene they call dating.

Andrew, from Buffalo

2009-01-04T02:02:00.006-05:00

Just got home from a night out with my DT, her BF and Cheerleader. We hit the College Street Bar, in the heart of Little Italy. The original plan was to go to Courthouse, however DT suggested we try CSB.

I quite enjoyed the atmosphere there. Lounge/bar/laid back. Just my style. The crowd was pretty diverse which was pretty cool.

About an hour after being there, I noticed this super tall guy making eyes at me. At one point, we locked eyes and I smiled my best smile.

DT and Cheerleader both noticed he was checking me out. I was convinced he was checking out one of them instead. Then all of a sudden, I see him waving me over. Honestly in that moment I felt like one of the Butabi Brothers from A Night At The Roxbury. (Me? Him? Me? Who? Yes? No? Me?)

The girls were going nuts. "Go talk to him!" "Do something!" "Ask him how tall he is!" "GO GO GO!!" And I protested greatly to this absurdity. First of all, I was there to hang out with my friends. And secondly, I'm sure the minute I walked over there, he would have changed his mind.

At any rate, I finally screwed up enough courage to go over where he was standing with about 5 of his buddies.

He was pretty cute looking from across the bar and as I got closer, he got hotter and hotter. OMG, an honest-to-goodness-real-life hottie waving *me* over to him!

His name was Andrew, he was 30 years old and from Buffalo. He was in town for a University of Buffalo football game at the Skydome.

And that was pretty much it. I kept trying to talk to him and dance with him and he just wouldn't give anything up. Dude had no game.

Eventually his buddies wanted to leave to go hit up Croc Rock - and for anyone who knows Toronto, Croc Rock is the absolute WORST bar in the city. I tried really hard to convince him to stay, but short of giving him a blow job on the dance floor, I don't think there was anything I could do.

And then he left. He didn't ask for a number or anything, even though I had mentioned that I still have family in Fort Erie, which is exactly two minutes from Buffalo, and I'm down there all the time.

And then the rest of the night fell to crap because my whole focus had shifted from having fun with my friends to proving my worth as a sexy and desirable woman.

So we left. And I went to Amato's and ate (what is still) the best pizza in the city.

Lava Flow

2009-01-03T11:59:00.002-05:00

I opened a Lavalife account last night. I was on Lava about 6 years ago with disastrous results. The guys I met would either be at least 10 years older than their pictures, or they were only looking to molest me for a night.

I am hoping this has changed, now that the age range of men I'm interested in has had a few years to mature. Wait, did I just use the word mature when referencing the male species? I must still be drunk from New Year's Eve.

So in the 16 hours I've been on Lava again I have noticed a few things which have not changed. The first is guys still do not have any clue on what a good profile picture should be. It's either a shot of them from the side, a shot of them not smiling from the side, or one of them really faaaaaar awaaaaaaaaaay because they needed to get the whole mountain in the shot.

The second is there are ridiculously hot guys with profiles. If a guy is ridiculously hot, he does not need to go online for dating opportunities. Just walk out your front door and smile and I'm sure a line up will start. And the profiles these guys have might as well say, "I'm ridiculously hot, so you should be too!" They must be crazy assholes to be so hot and not be in a relationship.

And the third is that every Asian guy on there is wearing a suit in his profile picture. No offense to my Asian brothers, but really? Is this supposed to perpetuate the stereotype that Asians are smarter than everyone else on earth, and therefore have super high paying jobs in either the financial or technology sectors, and therefore are able to purchase and wear high priced suits for casual Sunday lounging at the cottage? Yeah.

I think I'm gonna be shutting down my Lava account faster than my PoF account.

Happy New Year

2009-01-01T17:50:00.002-05:00

Everything will be fine in '09.

I went to a house party last night to ring in the New Year. I drank way too much, took some things said to me the wrong way and started crying. Then I inadvertently hurt one of my very best friends as she was trying to console drunken, angry me. (I'm sooooo sorry EG, please forgive me!)

I passed out on the floor of the computer room and one of the boy guests snuggled up to me and made out with my face while I was semi unconscious.

Yeah.

I dunno how much is gonna change this year. '09 is already off to a bizarro, tear-filled start.

Off the Wagon

2008-12-30T10:17:00.006-05:00

I just cannot help myself. I know it was wrong but I couldn't resist.

Boy and I went for drinks last night after work. One beer led to another which led to him in my bed.

Now in my defence, I've been pretty horny lately. And it's been over a month since I've had sex. And you know, they ain't lying when they say a woman's sex drive increases exponentially as she reaches her mid thirties.

I'm seriously toying with the idea of letting his Woman know about what happened between us last night.

You see, as smart as Boy thinks he is, I'm smarter. And I know the password to his blackberry. So while he was in the washroom, I took a little tour around his inbox. Lo and behold I found an email thread then went something like this:

Boy: Hey gorgeous, what's shakin'?

Woman: I went shopping and blah blah blah and did laundry and blah blah blah, and my kid sat in a plate of ketchup twice. What about you?

Boy: Just left having drinks with coworkers. Miss you. :-(

Awww, isn't that sweet? He misses her. He must have missed her a lot because when we got back to my place, his clothes were off in about 10 seconds and we fucked so hard my bed moved about a foot and a half away from the wall.

And I'm sure he continued missing her when we fucked again at 5am and he was begging me not to stop.

And I'm positive the part where he missed her most was when he had me in his arms, kissing my face and telling me all those wonderful things you tell someone after you've done the nasty.

My heart bleeds for him. You can really tell how much he cares about her.

The great thing about all of this is that I just don't give a flying shit about him anymore. Everything that happened last night shows me the true degenerate he really is. And I'm really happy to fuck him and leave him.

Super Day

2008-12-29T08:58:00.002-05:00

My Chinese horoscope for today:

Your energy will be great, but beware of too strong nervous tensions which might provoke troubles. Love, sex and sensual satisfactions will mark this day; you'll seduce everywhere you'll go. Do yourself pleasure, multiply hobbies and all activities capable of interesting you passionately.

Oh please oh please oh please!!!!!!!

Haters

2008-12-27T14:23:00.001-05:00

I was driving along with my brother in the front seat and my cousins in the back. I pulled up behind a car at a stop light and I was close enough to see the license plate.

IH8 AMZ

I did a double take. So did my brother.

That plate hates me! Which means the owner of that car hates me.

Now I know that AMZ could mean any number of things. However I was driving in my very small, very annoying, hometown. And as far as I can remember, I'm the only AMZ that existed there.

There is just no love for me!

Feliz Navidad

2008-12-24T21:47:00.004-05:00

Yesterday I saw Boy and the woman he's currently banging. It was by pure chance that I almost bumped into them. I was walking in the underground on my way to lunch, and they were walking in the other direction. They didn't see me thank goodness, but I most certainly saw them.

They didn't look very happy. Both were carrying a Starbucks coffee. She seemed more interested in the coffee than in him.

I thought back to the lunches we spent together. We were always laughing and talking and having fun.

I felt pretty sad sitting in Quiznos all alone eating my Chicken Carbonara on Whole Wheat with Mushrooms and Bacon.

I had a dream last night about Boy. A lot of time had passed and we were at a party together. We danced and we kissed and then we made love. I woke up this morning a bit disoriented and in a bit of a foul mood.

Getting off the subway, I heard the strains of "Feliz Navidad" coming from a TTC musician. I've never learned this guy's name, but he's one of my favourite underground players.

His version of "Feliz Navidad" was quite joyous and uplifting. All it took was a moment of listening before a smile broke out on my face.

Thanks to him, I had a lovely last day at work before the Christmas break.

Happy holidays to all of you.

Inertia

2008-12-21T20:37:00.002-05:00

I spent most of yesterday asleep on my couch. I got a phone call from The Mechanic at one point in the afternoon (?) asking me when he should come by to put the tire he fixed back on to my car. "Whenever is good for you, you're the one doing me the favour."

I spent most of today catching up on All My Children and Lipstick Jungle. (I love this show, why do they have to cancel awesome programs?) Around every three episodes, I'd pass out on the couch. I got another phone call from The Mechanic, he would be coming in the afternoon.

I managed to peel myself off the couch long enough to take a shower and brush my teeth.

He buzzed around 3pm, I went downstairs and let him into the parking garage.

He made small talk. I could barely concentrate enough to respond.

He asked me what I was doing for the rest of the day. Napping and watching the rest of my Lipstick Jungle episodes.

He finished with the tire and then topped up my windshield wiper fluid. (Windshield washer fluid?)

I walked him out of the parking garage and thanked him for the tremendous favour he had done. He hugged me and kissed my cheek.

"Merry Christmas."

"Drive safe."

I came back upstairs, changed into my PJs and passed out cold on the couch again.

I just cannot understand why I'm not attracted to him. He's cute, he's extraordinarily nice to me, and is in a place in his life where he wants to settle down and have a family. All of the things I've been looking for, and praying for.

All I know is when I look at The Mechanic I can't imagine ever kissing him, never mind ever having sex with him.

And I really really wanted there to be something. Anything. Any little glimmer of a tiny little speck of something.

But I know I can't force it. My therapist has told me this over and over. I'm the type of person that if there isn't a spark to start, it just won't ever happen. And it sadly looks like this is the case.

Chemistry is the key. And hopefully, I'll know when he comes along.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n4MAxEpjUjo

Of Course He Didn't

2008-12-20T03:34:00.003-05:00

Lots of beer, and lots of opportunity. However Stage Hand did not make the most of it.

I ended up flirting with two married men with two children each and vasectomies. Yes, the conversation took us to the point where they felt they were comfortable enough to each tell me of their snip-snip.

Too bad the Stage Hand and I didn't have that kind of one on one time.

I shared a cab home with an old friend who I still have a crush on. He gave me two kisses on the lips. Those small moments made me feel loved.

One Good Man

2008-12-17T00:47:00.002-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yIHgZHDJlZY

Honey, I love to go to parties.
And I like to have a good time,
But if it gets too pale after a while
Honey I start looking to find

One good man.
Hmm, don’t you know I’ve been searching,
Oh yes I have!
One good man,
Oh ain’t much, honey ain’t much,
It’s only everything, whoa.

An’ I don’t want much outta life,
I never wanted a mansion in the South.
I just-a want to find someone sincere
Who’d treat me like he talks,

One good man.
Oh honey don’t you know that I’ve been looking.
Oh, one good man
Ain’t much, honey it ain’t much,
Oh, it’s only everything.
All right.

Some girls they want to collect their men,
They wear ’em like notches on a gun.
Oh honey, but I know better than that,
I know that a woman only needs one.

One good man, oh,
Oh baby don’t you know I’ve been looking, hmm.
One good man,
It ain’t much, no, no honey it ain’t much,
Oh, it’s only every little thing,
Just-a everything, everything
Ah yeah.

Old Habits

2008-12-16T23:25:00.002-05:00

An old bed buddy of mine has reappeared after years of absence. We've always kept in touch via email, however it wasn't until a few months ago that we saw each other again in person.

He's happily(?) married now. Our first vis-a-vis was at a bar, and it was mostly me describing the insanity that was my marriage.

The second time was at my place and we shared a bottle of scotch. I think the split was 70-30 in my favour. I was breathing and belching scotch the whole next day at work. The conversation was mostly about Boy and the conflicting messages he was sending me.

Tonight was our third summit. I gave him a bottle of Dominican rum as a belated birthday present. Of course we cracked it open immediately.

I honestly cannot tell you why, but he ended up giving me a foot massage (both feet) and a back rub with grape seed oil that he just so happened to have in his laptop bag.

He and I are definitely like oxygen to a flame. We've always had an insane chemistry, but never a relationship. Which is too bad really when I think about it. I know mostly the reason is cultural - he is Jewish and I am not.

At any rate, I doubt his wife would think it's cool that he was rubbing another woman's feet. And not just any woman, but a woman he had an affair with.

He's always trusted me implicitly and I feel like his reappearance has something to do with needing someone to confide in. However I can't figure out how grape seed oil fits into that.

Disco Break

2008-12-13T15:02:00.005-05:00

I'm back from the Dominican with a nasty cold but my chastity still in tact.

I did not use one of the six condoms I brought with me. That was by choice, and not for lack of opportunity.

Opportunity came in the form of a very tall and very hot Italian boy who was a friend of the groom. He gleaned onto me from the moment we stepped off the plane. By that afternoon, we were snogging. By that evening, I had him wrapped around my pinkie. By the next day, we were practically engaged. And I was so painfully annoyed by how absolutely STUPID he was.

Here's a partial list of the things that made me want to smack him with a brick:

* almost 39 years old and still lives with his parents

* Mommy packed his suitcase for him, which was so overweight he had to pay a $100USD luggage penalty

* was loud and obnoxious but would shush himself (seriously, it was the strangest thing I've ever seen)

* drooled when drunk

* partied every single night without fail

* made out with me, knowing full well he was sick, which of course I ended up catching

And the most annoying thing? No matter where we were - be it at the beach, at dinner, walking through the lobby - he would randomly yell "DISCO BREAK" and bust out dancing to the music in his head.

One night we were at one of the fancy a la carte restaurants and he would just not stop being loud.

P: Hey, are you like a canary?

DB: (quizzical look)

P: If I put a napkin over your head, will you go to sleep?

(whole table howls with laughter)

For the rest of the week, anytime Disco Break would get out of hand, someone would ask for a napkin.

I am proud to say that even though I was lonely, I chose NOT to hook up with him. It would have been sooooo easy too, even easier than with Boy. But I think I've finally learned what all of my friends have been SCREAMING at me.

I'm better than that.

Tee Hee

2008-12-05T02:16:00.001-05:00

So I was pretty upset last night, as I'm sure you could all tell by my last post. I really need to stick to my "don't drink and blog or Facebook" rule that I set for myself after my marriage imploded.

Work was nuts today as I had to wrap everything up before my big trip tomorrow...er...today. I am due at the airport in a few hours so I thought I'd post an interesting development with Stage Hand.

I was in studio this afternoon, doing my Head Studio Usher thing and I saw Stage Hand, as per usual. He came right over to me and gave me a hug that lasted what felt like 5 minutes. He also picked me up off my feet. I warned him not to hurt himself, he said, "I'm in staging, I'm strong." Right. Hee hee. :)

Everytime we'd see each other, we'd make eye contact and smile. I started getting nervous, I've never been good at maintaining eye contact with someone I fancy.

The show was in progress and the audience coordinator, aka my recon specialist, was in with me and I told her the whole East-Side-Mario's-phone-number-exchange-and-merlot story. She was super excited for me.

At one point after she had left the studio, Stage Hand came off set to where us ushers sit. He was saying hello to everyone as he walked by. As he came past me, he didn't say anything, but grabbed a hold of the chair I was in and rolled me backwards into an area where we keep all the special effects equipment.

He turned my chair around so my back was to the set. He asked me if I was busy at that moment and I said no. He said good, grabbed my hand, pulled me out of the chair and in behind the special effects area.

THEN. HE. MADE. OUT. WITH. ME.

I was all tangled up in his arms and in my headset. I didn't even know what was happening. When I realized he was making out with me, it was over. He gave me a hug and then went back to the set.

I straightened myself out and wheeled my chair back to where the ushers were and I could not wipe the grin off my face.

As Sally Field once said, "You like me! You really like me!"

L.O.S.E.R.

2008-12-04T00:36:00.002-05:00

Pardon my french, but i'm drunk.

Was at office xmas party.

every girl tghere is gorgeous and skinny and not me./

I would just love ot be happy. but it's not gonnahappen. i have to accvept it or i may jsut hang myself.

i'm going to the dominican on friday to watch one of my best friends tie the knot. she got the happy ever after.

i'm happy for her. as much as one can be.

Boy is an asshole. proves it over and over agian. i wanted to try being friends but i don't htink that will happend.

I am going to fuck the island of Dominican. I am bringing codoms. YEAH MOFOS AIN'T NO STOPPING ME NOW.

I'm sorry for what I've done. And for all the things I will evenutally do. I am going to go down in flames and i deserve it.

Enter Stage Left

2008-11-30T13:43:00.012-05:00

Friday was a bit of a fiasco at work. I was screamed at by a senior vice president, which then led to me crying in my boss' office, which then led to HR getting involved. Not a good day.

I left work early to go to work at the Gemini Awards. Let me tell you, Canadian celebrities think they are more important than they actually are. A big F.U. goes to Shenae Grimes and Sitara Hewitt. Thanks for making an already bad day that much worse. Bitches.

A couple girlfriends and I ended up at East Side Mario's after the big show (of assholes). At first we were going to hit up Lonestar, but my one friend insisted on ESM. I'd be thanking her later on for her steadfast choice.

We quickly settled into some drinks, nibbles, and a bitch fest about how much guys suck. We lamented about the lack of available good men, and how our hot & sexy selves were being wasted on losers like Boy.

I was in the middle of a rather loud rant about Boy when all of a sudden, I felt two strong arms pull me into a warm hug. I pulled back, and there stood one of the staging guys I work with at the Royal Canadian Air Farce.

I've worked at Air Farce since 2004. The first four seasons I spent as the VIP wrangler. For this final season of the show (why must great Canadian programs get cancelled?!), I was promoted to Head Studio Usher. I've known Stage Hand since I've been there, however it wasn't until this season that he appeared on my radar as a potential hook up.

Over the last few weeks, he and I have chatted quite a bit on set. I mentioned to the audience coordinator (my boss at the show) I think he's a cutie. She quickly flew into recon mode to see if he was available. She found out that he was - sort of. He was in the process of breaking up with a live-in GF.

And there he was, smiling at me. I was stunned to say the least as he was the last person I expected to see on a Friday night at East Side Mario's.

He started walking away when I stopped him.

P: You're not getting away that easily.

SH: (walking back) Oh no?

P: Not this time. (smiles) When are you going to ask me out?

SH: (pause) When I get my furniture back...

P: (nods head) I see.

SH: (walking away)

P: Hang on! You're doing this all wrong!

SH: (walking back and laughing) I am?

P: If you're going to ask me out eventually, you'll need my number.

SH: Right! (takes cell phone out of pocket) Let me have it.

As this exchange happened, my two girlfriends sat with mouths agape. I would have been too, but for some reason, I'd grown some sort of confidence between him hugging me and his first attempt at walking away.

He gave me another hug and then went back to his table. The girls of course started freaking out and demanding details. I told them as I've told you about the chatting on set and the inquiry into his relationship status.

As we were giggling triumphant, the waiter appeared with 3 shots. We asked who our benefactor was. "A mystery man." Of course. :) We also asked what the shots were called. "Red headed sluts." Nice. Hehehe.

I sent Stage Hand a text message thanking him for the shots. "C U soon sweetness" Awwww.

And just when I thought the situation couldn't get any cuter, he came over to my table again and told me he had something for me.

For a moment, panic struck. I imagined he was going to whip out his dick and ask for some head right there. I don't know why I thought this of him, as he's only ever been nice to me. However, he's got a bit of a bad boy thing going on - tattoos, piercings and heavy metal band shirts. Oh right, it's because I have a big chip on my shoulder that all men are assholes.

Off I went to his table, where a few other staging guys were sitting, who all know me as well. I got a "Hello nurse!" from one. Hehehe. Stage Hand gave me another hug and then opened his backpack to get my gift.

It wasn't his penis, but a bottle of merlot. He started explaining that he doesn't always carry wine around in his backpack, however he has a case of it stashed at the studio. They work crazy hours and sometimes when it's too late to go to the bar to have drinks, they stay on set and drink there. So he'd run back to the studio and grabbed me a bottle. Awww! See, cuter than I could have imagined.

I thanked him and told him that I would save the bottle for when he came over for a visit. He smiled, hugged me hard and kissed me on the cheek. He whispered "soon" in my ear.

I can't wait to see him this week on set.

Can't Buy Me Love

2008-11-26T22:46:00.012-05:00

Because I'm still (insert any and all emotion here) about Boy, I thought I would go on Ebay for a little retail therapy.

I did searches on handbags, shoes, and jewellery. Yes, I am a typical female. :P And just because I was curious and needed some hope, I did a search on happiness....oh, if it were only as easy as this ad.

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Today it is necessary to have somebody who by the positive force of its rituals and his will sends you the necessary energy which allows you to spend easily more the difficult moments and especially to take out you out of it. Some are going to sell rings by saying to you that there are forces symbolized by geniuses

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The rites are energies, a thought forces which will be transformed into realization.

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I am going to do a personal spell cast for the person who buys this ring.

It is for it that I ask you to send me your name and your date of birth and if possible your photo so that I can Embué ( secret ceremony incantation special and personnal) my power of medium white magic in this ring which is intended for you and you will see......it works!!

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Law requirement states that readings, spells, and paranormal objects are for entertainment purposes only and that I cannot take any responsibility for any activity that may or may not occur in association with this item. many blessings

Divine Intervention

2008-11-23T10:38:00.004-05:00

The bar we played at last night used to be a church. The first time I walked in, I knew I had to get booked there. The acoustics are amazing of course. And the whole vibe of the place is peaceful and warm.

My friend Brent met me at the bar before my show to have dinner and listen to me bemoan what happened with Boy. I asked him for the guy perspective and he told me that Boy is definitely a huge douche bag, plain and simple.

I told Brent that perhaps I should just start praying for my dream guy. So I looked up to the ceiling and said, "Hey God, it's me, Paprika. So I just wanted to ask that if you have a moment, could you please send me a smart, funny, NICE, decent and good looking guy. Cuz I'm pretty ready to stop seeing losers like Boy and get on with my life. Okay thanks. Bye."

As I finished my prayer, I realized it was time to hit the stage. I stopped at the bar to grab my favourite drink while performing - room temperature water with no ice. The bar owner Val was happy to oblige. While she was pouring my poison, she asked me how things were going with Boy. Gave her the short version - he stuck his dick in someone else. She was horrified at that and said, "You've been through so much, I know the perfect guy will come walking through that door." To which I replied, "From your lips to the universe's ears."

I hit the stage and rocked out with my boys for the next hour. My Dad showed up half way through the set. My friend Kelly showed up and hung with my Dad. People were enjoying our stuff.

After the break, we got back up and just as we finished the first song of the 2nd set, in walked The Mechanic.

Now I must take a moment and give you the back story.

[ My friend mentioned to me a while ago that her brother the mechanic is 39, never married, and definitely looking to settle down. However, he keeps chasing girls who are princesses and just general bitches and definitely not the marrying type. Now normally she would never dream of fixing up her bro however, she paired the two of us in her mind's eye and decided that there could potentially be a long term match. I've met him a few times at her place for various get togethers but because I've been so involved with the drama of Boy, I haven't really given The Mechanic much thought.

My friend, her boyfriend and The Mechanic came to a show of mine 2 weeks ago in Toronto. They stayed for 1 1/2 sets and then took off without saying goodnight. I thought for sure at that point he decided I was too (insert annoying character trait here) and ran away as fast as possible. Turns out that wasn't the case, my friend wasn't feeling well so they all went home.

I spent last Sunday hanging at my friend's place and of course, The Mechanic just happened to show up. The plan was to go to the Santa Claus Parade however I was far too tired from my show in Oshawa (which Boy had come to ), and they were all hung over from a night of Rockband. So we watched movies, passed out on different pieces of furniture, went shopping at Costco, watched more movies, ate dinner and passed out again. At 11:30pm I realized I had to go home as I had to work the following day. He offered me a ride home.

In the car he started babbling about a bunch of stuff, and I think the general gist was that he liked me. He said I was attractive and good. (Good? Evil probably.) He babbled, blubbed, stuttered and mentioned that he also knew I was divorced and probably apprehensive about starting up another relationship so soon after the proverbial ink had dried. He gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek goodnight. And that was the last time I saw him. ]

I caught his attention and waved. He smiled and sat down at the table just in front of my Dad and Kelly. He had a few days of beard growing which of course makes me wanna jump him immediately. He was wearing a button down shirt and cargos. And he looked genuinely happy to see me.

I went right over to him during the break after my set and gave him a big hug. I told him I was very surprised to see him, as he lives quite far north of Toronto. He told me that he was at his sister's downtown and decided he wanted to come see the show. He got a new GPS for his car and thought he'd try it out.

I gotta say, him showing up like that scored quite a lot of points with me.

I introduced him to the band and to my Dad. Of course I didn't even have to look at my Dad to know what was running through his mind. So I avoided making eye contact with my dear Father.

After the show, The Mechanic helped tear down our equipment and he walked me to my car. Then he asked me for my number, which I happily gave to him. I got a text message later wishing me a good sleep.

Now let's think about how last night would have turned out had Boy not told me about sticking his pee-pee into another va-jay-jay.

(insert time warping, alternate universe music here)

Boy, Housemate, HM's Girl and I would have arrived at the bar early for dinner. We would have shared multiple pitchers of beer. Boy would have definitely been groping me under the table.

I go start the show. Boy, HM & HMG would have gone to play pool. My Dad would have shown up, as would Kelly.

Break between sets. Boy comes up from pool game and I introduce him (begrudgingly) to my Dad. Boy would be charming (as he is) and made small talk. Boy rejoins HM & HMG.

Second set begins. In walks The Mechanic. I catch his eye and wave. He takes a seat at the table in front of my Dad & Kelly.

Break between sets. Boy comes up from pool game as I am giving The Mechanic a hug. I introduce Boy (begrudgingly) to The Mechanic. Boy would be charming and make small talk. Then Boy would have stuck his tongue down my throat and The Mechanic would have been wondering why he drove all the way down to Grimsby. The Mechanic leaves shortly thereafter.

Show is over. I go home with Boy. We make love. We go for breakfast. We spend the day together. I go home.

Monday arrives. I text Boy asking to hang out. No reply. Tuesday arrives. I text Boy asking what's up. He says let's get together. Boy arrives at apartment after work.

Boy tells me he stuck his pee-pee into another va-jay-jay. I toss his ass out of my apartment and then realize that I have blown any chance with The Mechanic.

I guess this may all have happened for a reason. But I still don't like the part where Boy is a complete assfucker.

Splat

2008-11-22T00:08:00.003-05:00

And now it's done. For good. It's so finished there's no possibility of it ever starting again.

I was supposed to spend a fun night with Boy at his place. We were going to drink and play video games and eventually get it on.

However on the way there, he told me that he slept with another girl last night.

I could have sworn I actually heard a THUD in my chest.

"You're a great girl."

"I thought I was clear with you from the beginning."

"I didn't want to hurt you."

All of those things may be true, but the fact of the matter is that he acted like my boyfriend. He spent all his time with me and up until last night, didn't stick his penis into strange vaginas. There is a reason why they say, "actions speak louder than words". THERE IS A DAMN GOOD REASON FOR THAT.

"Are we still going to hang out tonight?"

ARE? YOU? KIDDING? ME?

Oh yeah! Sure! No problem! So you fucked someone. Let's go play Rockband! FUN TIMES.

It took all my strength not to crash his side of the car into a pole.

"Housemate and I were gonna come to your show tomorrow. Can we still come?"

NO YOU STUPID FUCK, I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU ANYMORE.

"I confided a lot of things in you, are you going to spill my secrets?"

YES YOU ASSHOLE, I'M GOING TO TELL THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD WHAT A COCKSUCKER YOU ARE.

"Are we still going to be friends?"

(sigh) I'm too tired to even begin to deal with that.

Pendulum

2008-11-15T13:18:00.008-05:00

And back I swing to liking Boy.

He came with me to my show last night in Oshawa, as my captive audience because I was the one driving. This would be the first time he's seen me perform with my band.

I don't know what it is about him. The minute I think he's completely incapable of being a decent human being, he turns around and surprises me.

He told people (mostly the older chicks hitting on him) he was there with me. "Really? With the singer?!" "Yes, I'm with her."

Half way through each set, the guys in my band take turns at vocals, for which I usually take a break to sit with any friends who happen to be there. During one of these breaks, my guys played a particularly dancy tune. So I asked Boy to dance.

Finally.

We finally got to do what we didn't do that disastrous night.

And it was awesome. It was soooo good. For that one song, nothing else existed. None of the tears, none of the anger, none of the douche-baggery. It was just me, him and the music. And at the end of the song, he leaned in and gave me an amazing kiss. He also mentioned I gave him a semi. Hehehe, my hips don't lie!

When we got home, he was nice and drunk and I was fully expecting to just fall asleep curled up together. However, he surprised me once more. :)

It was slow and gentle and passionate. And probably the best we've ever had.

Later he asked me to come for dinner to meet his family. He warned me that his mom was still not impressed with the whole leaving-her-sweet-baby-boy-out-on-the-cold-front-stoop-all-night. And it would be likely that all of the family would be talking to me about it.

Riiiiiight. That sounds more like a lynching than dinner. I told him I'd think about it and we'd talk more in the morning.

I decided to pass on meeting the family. For one, lynch mob. For two, I have another show tonight in Oshawa and his family is about a 2 hour drive in the opposite direction. I told him we could plan another weekend for me to meet them when I didn't have a show the same night.

So I'm here blogging and doing (his) laundry. And pondering. And swinging back and forth.

Retraction

2008-11-12T23:24:00.002-05:00

I take it back.

YOU (Boy) ARE AN ASSFUCKER.

And I mean no offense to those who enjoy anal sex.

Till Death?

2008-11-11T13:07:00.003-05:00

Boy came over after work and we decided to order pizza, pick up some wine and watch TV. I had to stop at the grocery store to grab some bread and other life sustaining items.

While we were there, he decided he needed to buy his own bath soap. Apparently, my body wash is too girly smelling for his tastes. As he was picking out his soap, he asked me if I had done laundry, i.e. did I throw his clothes in there as well. I indicated that I had in fact did his laundry.

"We're so married now. I'm moving in."

Huh. Yeah.

We continued walking up and down the aisles and I'm not sure how it happened, but I asked him if he were to have children, more specifically a son, would that son be named after him. Boy is already the III. Boy's son would be the IV. So I asked him if I were to have his son, could I give him some other middle names.

"Sure, as long as my first, middle and last name appear in there somewhere."

I told him that I wanted my father's name in there, as well as my last name.

"Sure, no problem."

Uh huh.

These kinds of conversations are really weird coming from a guy who is adamant about the fact that WE ARE NOT TOGETHER!

He's such a strange bird.

Inevitable

2008-11-07T12:21:00.002-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HjE7BXy5t5I

Do you remember when we were just kids
And cardboard boxes took us miles from what we would miss
Schoolyard conversations taken to heart
And laughter took the place of everything we knew we were not

I wanna break every clock
The hands of time could never move again
We could stay in this moment (stay in this moment)
For the rest of our lives
Is it over now hey, hey, is it over now

I wanna be your last, first kiss
That you'll ever have
I wanna be your last, first kiss

Amazing how life turns out the way that it does
We end up hurting the worst, the only ones we really love

I wanna break every clock
The hands of time could never move again
We could stay in this moment (stay in this moment)
For the rest of our lives
Is it over now hey, hey, is it over now

I wanna be your last, first kiss
That you'll ever have
I wanna be your last, first kiss

Is it over now hey, hey, is it over now
Is it over now hey, hey, it's not over now

I wanna be your last, first kiss
That you'll ever have (that you'll ever have)
I wanna be your last, first love (that you'll ever have)
Till you're lying here beside me with arms and eyes open wide
I wanna be your last, first kiss

For all time

Because I Like Him

2008-11-05T18:12:00.003-05:00

Went for drinks with Boy again and he asked me why I liked him. I couldn't give him a specific answer at that moment. He seemed a little miffed by that.

For me, I can easily identify and itemize things I don't like about a person. But when I like someone, it's just a general fuzzy feeling of goodness.

When I got home, I thought about it and sent him this email.

From: Paprika
To: Boy
Subject: Why I Like You

You are nice.
You are very generous.
You are funny.
You are smart (but mostly a smart ass).
You are a great kisser.
You are a weirdo (in a good way).
You are hairy. :)

So there are some of reasons why I like you. Some of the other reasons are too fuzzy and abstract to pin down and describe in words. But they still add up to me liking you.

I didn't get any response. But I guess it's because I didn't really ask for one in return. That would be too Grade 8 for me. "Do you like me? Circle Yes or No."

Oh I Don't Know Why

2008-11-04T10:06:00.005-05:00

Boy is back. And he's on his best behaviour. He invited me out last week with his housemate to a concert at the Phoenix. Originally he had asked if they could crash at my place, to which I said yes (I'm all about mi casa es su casa). Then it turned into me going out to party with them.

I know, I know. You are all shaking your heads. I was shaking my head too. I figured it would end up with both of them out locked out of my place, with me never to return.

However, I'm happy to say that it didn't end up like that at all. We actually had fun.

Boy paid my way into the show, bought me drinks, made sure I wasn't getting crushed by the mosh pit, and generally being attentive. I was a little hesitant at first as I was certain Boy was going to pull some shiteous behaviour. We were at a club packed with chicks who were ready to rock out to the band, and to rock some lucky guy's world. I was certain some girl would catch his eye and the Douche Bag would reemerge.

I had a huge moment of doubt when Boy announced he was going for a smoke. I thought, "Okay, here is where everything went horribly wrong the last time." However, I was extraordinarily impressed with the fact that he returned within 2 minutes flat. Same with bathroom breaks - 2 minutes tops and he was back at my side. :)

On more than a few occasions, Housemate referred to Boy as my BF. I don't know if he was mocking me because he knows that Boy has no interest in being my official BF, or maybe Housemate knows something I don't. At any rate, I ignored that word as if it has been bleeped out by some cosmic censorship board.

After the show and a pit stop at Pizza Pizza, we headed back to my place. Housemate took a shower while Boy and I hit the sheets. Quiet sex is always hilarious and fun. Afterwards he snuggled his face up to mine and whispered "I'm glad you came out with me tonight." Aww.

The next day Boy came by after work to hang out. We watched a movie, snuggled on the couch and had a very nice and quiet night in. He asked me if it was cool to leave a change of clothes and some personal items there so he could stay over again. Of course! Mi casa es su casa and all that.

And he came back last night. We went out for drinks and eats and then back to my place for, well, you know what for. :)

He left behind another change of clothes...

I am treading with caution, but I've got a little smile on my face.

Fish is Fried

2008-10-30T15:18:00.002-04:00

I just deleted my PoF account.

(sigh)

I quit, again.

I can't wait to see my therapist next week.

The Conclusion

2008-10-29T13:15:00.003-04:00

Just for fun, I plugged in my and Boy's birthdays into a Chinese Sign Compatibility calculator. Here are the results.

Hopeless signs like yours just don't mix. Just think you are made up of four signs and a mix of five elements, none of which must match to give you this score. Have you ever heard the adage, "Trying to squeeze blood from a rock?" Well this is the relationship form of "Trying to squeeze love from a rock." Forget it and find a new man. Final Rating: 5%

As Amy Winehouse once sang, "What kind of fuckery is this?"

Yup.

Blep.

Glutton

2008-10-15T10:44:00.002-04:00

I am a glutton for punishment.

I have faith in people even when they demonstrate over and over they are not worth believing in.

I saw Boy on Monday. We fucked. We ate pizza and watched TV. We made out and passed out on the couch. It was nice.

I saw Boy last night. We had drinks. We ate. And then we had another conversation about what happened that disastrous night we went dancing.

And he still doesn't think he did anything wrong.

He still doesn't want to be my boyfriend. Although he finally admitted we are dating. But he placed a caveat on that - we are dating non-exclusively.

Which means he can go fuck whomever he wants, whenever he wants.

Which up until Monday, I was fine with.

I'm not fine with that anymore.

He told me he doesn't want me to depend on him emotionally. He doesn't want to be the person I call when I have a crisis. I told him flat out I wouldn't call him, I'd call my Faux Beau. Or my DT. OR ANYONE ELSE ON EARTH before I would trust him with my EMOTIONS.

And of course, I went home and cried my eyes out.

I have a migraine now. And I am going to leave work and go home and cry some more.

Because I am alone. AND YES I AM SAD ABOUT THAT.

And I'm going to get all sorts of phone calls and emails from my friends telling me how stupid I am for giving him any more of my time or my tears. And I will also get calls telling me to suck it up and that my life ain't so bad.

Well FUCK THAT SHIT. Because the voices of criticism come from people who are happily coupled off.

Every last person who is going to tell me what an idiot I am has someone to go home to at night. You all have someone who you can depend on emotionally. You all have someone you can share pizza with and watch TV with.

So unless any of you reading this are single, I don't want to hear one damn word about it.

Crappy Carp

2008-10-07T14:39:00.010-04:00

I joined PlentyOfFish.com last week. Literally within minutes of creating my account, I received a message from "RomanceTogether".

"Hello, You are drop dead gorgeous. I read your profile and find you to be down to earth. I would love to have a chance to meet you. How about going out for a coffee tonight or sometime this week? Hope to hear back from you."

I wrote him back saying that I'd read his profile and noticed he had children. I am looking for someone without kids (been there, done that). He wrote me back with, "Thank you for taking the time to read my profile and for writing back. That speaks volumes about the person you are. Take care and God Bless You".

How nice!

I read through few profiles and found one "SpiritMale" that seemed interesting. There was a line in his profile that said he made a "mean pasta". That made me chuckle. I sent him a message asking if he could make pasta in other moods other than "mean".

He wrote me back and from there we exchanged a few more messages before exchanging numbers.

He called me on Friday and asked me out. Right on! The plan was to meet for drinks after work, around 6ish.

I got to the designated meeting spot at 6:05pm and my first instinct was to walk right past him. When we said hello, my second instinct was to run screaming in the other direction.

We changed venues from drinks to sushi. And my inner voice was still screaming "RUN AWAY". As we sat down to dinner, everything took a turn to total crap.

He criticized my hat, my POF profile, my choice in drink (water, rather than saki) and told me he once dated a girl who treated her cats like humans, which in his opinion, is totally ridiculous.

The date lasted an hour flat. I thanked him and gave him a hug goodbye. As we were parting, he commented on what a great time he had with me and wanted to see me again. Yeah right. RUN AWAY!!

He messaged me later and asked me to a movie. I wrote him back thanking him again for dinner and that I would not want to take him up on the movie offer. He asked me why so I wrote him back with this:

"You criticized my profile again, which made me wonder why you even bothered to meet me.

You kept harping on my hat. It was a hat. I like hats. I don't get why it bothered you that I was wearing one. And I don't get why I had to explain why I was wearing a hat. Did I ask you why you were wearing pants? Or a coat? Or those particular shoes? I wore that hat on that particular day because I wanted to. Much like everything else I do on a daily basis, because I feel like it.

You questioned my taste in alcohol and you questioned why I wasn't having any alcohol with dinner. I think my tastes are my tastes and I felt like you were judging me.

You ridiculed a girl you dated for treating her cats like humans. My profile says I love my cat. I love him like a person. I love him enough that I have his initial tattooed to my collarbone. So when you said you thought it was ridiculous for that girl to love her cats so much, it was insulting to me as well.

And you kept making a joke about me being a guy. Yes, I enjoy things that are traditionally classified as male activities, but you made that joke like 3 times. It was funny the first time, mildly amusing the second time, and insulting the third time. You made me feel like I had zero femininity.

So I hope that gives you some insight."

He wrote me back with an apology. And that was that.

And since him, I've had one or two guys talk to me, but none have asked me out. Which is the problem that plagues me over and over. The only man who has ever asked me out on a date is my ex-husband. And we all know how that turned out.

I think I'm going to delete my profile. I know that a week isn't really a good measure of what the site has to offer. Given the fact that the site boasts over 900,000 active daily users, half of whom I will assume to be men, I've already struck out.

The universe keeps showing me that I am not meant to be with anyone.

Wonder Years

2008-09-30T10:00:00.003-04:00

In Grade 10, I did a play called "Voices From the High School". It was a play made up of many scenes with multiple characters, but no singular plot. It dealt with issues that high school kids face - from first love to teen pregnancy to abuse to suicide.

I played several characters at opposite ends of the spectrum. I played a girl who attempted suicide and a girl who was experiencing her very first kiss.

The boy on the other end of that first kiss was Brian Nelson. We called him Fred Savage because he looked almost exactly like the actor. He was short and cute with curly brown hair, freckles and big brown eyes with long eyelashes.

At first I wasn't sure if I was happy that Brian was cast in my first stage kiss. I think partly because I thought he was a nerd. And partly because I was scared about kissing a boy in front of an audience that would include my boyfriend, my Dad and my brothers.

I remember in rehearsals, we'd run the scene and just hug when the kissing part happened. Our director let us get away with that until about a week before opening night. She finally forced us to go somewhere private and not come back until we could run the scene with the kiss.

We went off to the backstage area to work it out. We sat across from each other and just stared and smiled and giggled. I suggested we run the scene and when we get to the kiss, we just go for it. He agreed.

We ran the scene and I could feel my heart pounding harder and harder as we approached the point where the kiss was supposed to happen. I squeezed my eyes shut as tight as possible and pursed my lips. I could feel him moving closer. I peeked through one of my eyes and saw that he had his eyes closed too. But he didn't look as scared as I probably did.

And as I watched him coming in for a landing, I realized he was going to totally miss. So I shut my eyes again.

He started to laugh when he realized his miscalculation. It was then that I knew I could trust him with it. So we tried it again. It was lightning quick, but we did it.

We went back to the group and ran the scene. The kiss happened and everyone applauded.

Opening night came and we got to our scene. As the lights came up, I felt like I had been transported to a different world. I was completely lost in the moment. I was feeling the true magic of theatre.

And then the kiss came. Brian gave me a kiss that was soft and gentle, and full of kindness and love. As we separated, I saw him, not the character anymore. He cared about me as a person to keep me safe. It took me a moment to recover and remember my next line. We finished the scene to thunderous applause.

In my whole life, I think that was one of the best kisses I've ever had. It came from a place that was true and pure and innocent.

I want that feeling again.

Double Douche Bag

2008-09-27T16:53:00.005-04:00

Against my better judgement, I went out for drinks with Boy after work last night. As per usual, we were having a great time.

After about an hour, he asked me what I was doing for the rest of the evening. I told him I had plans to go dancing with friends, to which he had been invited but declined due to his housemate's birthday celebrations being the same night. Well, it turned out that the housemate rescheduled the festivities to the following evening. He asked me if he could still come out with me and my friends. I said sure but that the outfit he was wearing would not get him past the bouncers.

Well, he had an easy solution to the problem - shopping! We finished our drinks and headed to The Bay where in 20 minutes we had picked out a shirt, pair of pants and pair of shoes, all passing the dress code standard for the club.

We headed back to my place, where my friends were due to meet me (now us) at 8pm. Coming off the subway, it was already 8pm, so I started hurrying down the sidewalk. He saw a liquor store and said he was going in to get some pre-dancing fuel.

"Sure, just come back to the apartment when you are done."

I start motoring towards my street when he stopped me.

"Hey, gimme some smooches."

Kiss kiss, and off we went in our separate directions.

Half an hour later, after having gotten ready in record time, none of my friends had shown up yet. Boy comes back not just with liquor, but with a bouquet of flowers for me.

Awww.

He got dressed, commenting on how nice I looked. He gave me smooches and pats on the bum and all was fine dandy in my world.

My friend Leslie shows up (looking super hawt) and the three of us made our way to the club.

We met up with the rest of my friends on the sidewalk outside the club and in we went, ready for a night of super awesome fun. Boy paid my cover and bought me the first drink of the night.

We all sat, mixed, mingled, chatted and eventually started dancing. This was the first time I'd been with Boy out dancing and out with any of my friends. He was dancing real close and kissing me. It was good. Really nice and good.

He asked me what I was doing the next weekend. I mentioned I had plans to go to Nuit Blanche. He asked me if I would consider going up to the beach for the weekend to hang out with him, his sister and his mother. I told him I'd think about it. He said he'd be back, time for a smoke break. Kiss kiss, and off he went.

I went back to dancing with my friends and all was well.

Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock....

"Where's Boy?" Hmm, weird. He was gone for over half an hour. Everyone started looking around. And then we saw him.

We saw him dancing with a girl.

We saw him lifting the girl's arm up around his neck.

We saw his face move in very close to her face.

H.u.m.i.l.i.a.t.i.o.n.

I wanted to run out of there as fast as possible. I couldn't believe he had the nerve to do that to me, and to do that in front of my friends.

Yes, I *get* that we're not in a relationship. But for fuck's sake, he came to the club as my date!

My friend Leslie was so upset by this that she went right over and confronted him. She told him if he's going to pull shit like that, to do it where we all can't see it.

He came over to me and looked at me like I was the one who did something wrong. He couldn't understand why I was upset. He was only dancing with her, and he had no intentions of making out with her or going home with her, so what's the big deal?

Honestly? What's the big deal? WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?! Oh I don't know. Maybe the deal is he said he wanted to spend the evening with ME? And instead he was spending his time with someone else! I think I would have been just as pissed as if he ditched me for a bunch of his guy friends who happened to be there. I asked him why he didn't just BRING THE HO OVER? She could have easily joined our very happy circle of friends.

I asked him to give me back my keys, ID and phone that he had been carrying in his pockets. He asked me why. And I told him because I believed he would be leaving with someone else that night instead of me. And also I wasn't going to stick around and continue to be made a fool of.

I told him how completely rude and NOT COOL that was and that I deserve at least an ounce of respect. And all he could do was yell, "WE'RE NOT DATING! WE'RE NOT TOGETHER! WE'RE NOT DATING!"

I got my stuff back from him and went into the bathroom to try to pull myself together. When I came out, I went back to the group and he came up to me to tell me it was he that would be leaving. I asked him not to go. He said he'd go back to my place and wait. And with that, he took off down the stairs and out the door.

After receiving that glorious gift of utter disrespect, I parked my ass in a corner of the club and sulked and cried and sulked some more. My friends continued to have as good of a time as they possibly could with angry little me bringing the dark cloud of gloom to the vicinity.

I took a cab home with Leslie and parked my sorry ass on her couch. It was then I realized that Boy had given me back everything except my phone. So I did what any girl in my position would do - pass out cold.

I woke up around 7am and was informed that Boy had called Leslie's cellphone upwards of 40 times and sent a few text messages asking her to please get me home ASAP to let him in. His laptop and house keys were at my place.

I got home at 7:30am and had to do the walk of shame into my building where he was waiting on one of the couches, talking to one of the neighbours who lived on my floor.

We got inside my place, he packed up his stuff and started making his way out the door. I asked him if we were going to talk about it. He said there was really nothing to talk about. Well, except for I'm a bitch for letting him sit outside my place for 7 hours. I told him he was the ASSHOLE who left the club. What was I supposed to do, leave my friends? If he were my boyfriend I perhaps would have considered leaving but as he's made it abundantly clear, I'm nothing to him and he's nothing to me.

And that was that. He said he'd talk to me later. Yeah. What.EV.er. Fucking douche bag.

Douche Bag

2008-09-24T10:45:00.003-04:00

I went last night. We ate at a bar and he talked and talked and talked. I didn't say very much as I didn't want to give him the idea I was falling in love with him. I didn't try to make any physical contact either. He noticed on both counts. He kept asking me why I was quiet. He moved closer to me in our booth and linked his arm around mine.

When we got back to his place, we settled into our PJs and onto the couch to watch a movie. About 2 minutes in, he fell asleep. I woke him up about an hour later and suggested we go to bed.

And then in bed, we slept. No real kissing, not much of anything really.

Waking up this morning wasn't the greatest either. I was kissing him and he basically told me to get off. So I rolled over. He asked me if I was mad. I said no, I was just respecting his request and removing myself from his vicinity.

Parting ways for work was met with a little peck.

I think this is done.

Back to the couch and the cat...

Don't Touch

2008-09-23T10:17:00.002-04:00

Things have been moving along nicely with Boy. We've been spending a moderate amount of time together which is just enough for me. Fun and light which is what he wants and I am enjoying.

He asked me out for drinks last night. I said yes and was quite looking forward to it. However, as everything in my life, the moment I think everything is a-okay, it blows up in my face.

He told me last night that he doesn't want me to fall in love with him. He "sees the way I look at him", and that I am always trying to make physical contact when we are together.

As John Travolta's character Danny said in Grease, "Don't make me laugh. Ha. Ha. Ha." I laughed my fucking ass off at his arrogance and obvious narcissism. I got down on the floor of the pub and laid flat on my back laughing as loud as possible.

I made it very clear that although he may think I'm giving him googly eyes, it is in fact that I'm simply making eye contact because I treat the people I'm boinking with respect. Shocking! I care just enough to acknowledge the fact that he's a human being and not just a piece of meat.

Along the same vein, reaching out to touch his hand is saying, "Hey, I know you're a person with feelings, and I just want you to know that even though this isn't ever going to go anywhere, I still care *just* enough to ensure that you are acknowledged and appreciated."

Hand holding & eye contact = falling in love. Who knew?

Geezus farqing Christ.

So things quickly turned for the worse and it got to the point where we were challenging each other to a fist fight outside. He's dead at recess man! You know, I'm generally a sweet girl but when someone gets up in my face, I turn evil. And I think I may have actually fought him if I hadn't stopped drinking at that point.

Eventually I started crying and I just ran away leaving him on a street corner.

He sent me a few text messages. I called him. I reamed him out some more. He apologized for making me feel like shit for showing him affection.

We had plans to hang out tonight, which he would still like to do. I'm really on the fence. Like I said in a previous post, I'm lonely. Lonely sometimes is worse than being treated like shit.

DT doesn't want me to see Boy anymore. She kept saying over and over "Please don't go!" She's rather distressed about the whole situation. It's slightly comforting to know that she cares that much.

I suppose I'll make up my mind a little later. But for now, I'm listening to some NKOTB and wallowing a bit.