Fish is Fried

I just deleted my PoF account.


(sigh)


I quit, again.


I can't wait to see my therapist next week.

The Conclusion

Just for fun, I plugged in my and Boy's birthdays into a Chinese Sign Compatibility calculator. Here are the results.

Hopeless signs like yours just don't mix. Just think you are made up of four signs and a mix of five elements, none of which must match to give you this score. Have you ever heard the adage, "Trying to squeeze blood from a rock?" Well this is the relationship form of "Trying to squeeze love from a rock." Forget it and find a new man. Final Rating: 5%

As Amy Winehouse once sang, "What kind of fuckery is this?"

Yup.

Blep.

Glutton

I am a glutton for punishment.

I have faith in people even when they demonstrate over and over they are not worth believing in.

I saw Boy on Monday. We fucked. We ate pizza and watched TV. We made out and passed out on the couch. It was nice.

I saw Boy last night. We had drinks. We ate. And then we had another conversation about what happened that disastrous night we went dancing.

And he still doesn't think he did anything wrong.

He still doesn't want to be my boyfriend. Although he finally admitted we are dating. But he placed a caveat on that - we are dating non-exclusively.

Which means he can go fuck whomever he wants, whenever he wants.

Which up until Monday, I was fine with.

I'm not fine with that anymore.

He told me he doesn't want me to depend on him emotionally. He doesn't want to be the person I call when I have a crisis. I told him flat out I wouldn't call him, I'd call my Faux Beau. Or my DT. OR ANYONE ELSE ON EARTH before I would trust him with my EMOTIONS.

And of course, I went home and cried my eyes out.

I have a migraine now. And I am going to leave work and go home and cry some more.

Because I am alone. AND YES I AM SAD ABOUT THAT.

And I'm going to get all sorts of phone calls and emails from my friends telling me how stupid I am for giving him any more of my time or my tears. And I will also get calls telling me to suck it up and that my life ain't so bad.

Well FUCK THAT SHIT. Because the voices of criticism come from people who are happily coupled off.

Every last person who is going to tell me what an idiot I am has someone to go home to at night. You all have someone who you can depend on emotionally. You all have someone you can share pizza with and watch TV with.

So unless any of you reading this are single, I don't want to hear one damn word about it.

Crappy Carp

I joined PlentyOfFish.com last week. Literally within minutes of creating my account, I received a message from "RomanceTogether".

"Hello, You are drop dead gorgeous. I read your profile and find you to be down to earth. I would love to have a chance to meet you. How about going out for a coffee tonight or sometime this week? Hope to hear back from you."

I wrote him back saying that I'd read his profile and noticed he had children. I am looking for someone without kids (been there, done that). He wrote me back with, "Thank you for taking the time to read my profile and for writing back. That speaks volumes about the person you are. Take care and God Bless You".

How nice!

I read through few profiles and found one "SpiritMale" that seemed interesting. There was a line in his profile that said he made a "mean pasta". That made me chuckle. I sent him a message asking if he could make pasta in other moods other than "mean".

He wrote me back and from there we exchanged a few more messages before exchanging numbers.

He called me on Friday and asked me out. Right on! The plan was to meet for drinks after work, around 6ish.

I got to the designated meeting spot at 6:05pm and my first instinct was to walk right past him. When we said hello, my second instinct was to run screaming in the other direction.

We changed venues from drinks to sushi. And my inner voice was still screaming "RUN AWAY". As we sat down to dinner, everything took a turn to total crap.

He criticized my hat, my POF profile, my choice in drink (water, rather than saki) and told me he once dated a girl who treated her cats like humans, which in his opinion, is totally ridiculous.

The date lasted an hour flat. I thanked him and gave him a hug goodbye. As we were parting, he commented on what a great time he had with me and wanted to see me again. Yeah right. RUN AWAY!!

He messaged me later and asked me to a movie. I wrote him back thanking him again for dinner and that I would not want to take him up on the movie offer. He asked me why so I wrote him back with this:

"You criticized my profile again, which made me wonder why you even bothered to meet me.

You kept harping on my hat. It was a hat. I like hats. I don't get why it bothered you that I was wearing one. And I don't get why I had to explain why I was wearing a hat. Did I ask you why you were wearing pants? Or a coat? Or those particular shoes? I wore that hat on that particular day because I wanted to. Much like everything else I do on a daily basis, because I feel like it.

You questioned my taste in alcohol and you questioned why I wasn't having any alcohol with dinner. I think my tastes are my tastes and I felt like you were judging me.

You ridiculed a girl you dated for treating her cats like humans. My profile says I love my cat. I love him like a person. I love him enough that I have his initial tattooed to my collarbone. So when you said you thought it was ridiculous for that girl to love her cats so much, it was insulting to me as well.

And you kept making a joke about me being a guy. Yes, I enjoy things that are traditionally classified as male activities, but you made that joke like 3 times. It was funny the first time, mildly amusing the second time, and insulting the third time. You made me feel like I had zero femininity.

So I hope that gives you some insight."

He wrote me back with an apology. And that was that.

And since him, I've had one or two guys talk to me, but none have asked me out. Which is the problem that plagues me over and over. The only man who has ever asked me out on a date is my ex-husband. And we all know how that turned out.

I think I'm going to delete my profile. I know that a week isn't really a good measure of what the site has to offer. Given the fact that the site boasts over 900,000 active daily users, half of whom I will assume to be men, I've already struck out.

The universe keeps showing me that I am not meant to be with anyone.

Wonder Years

In Grade 10, I did a play called "Voices From the High School". It was a play made up of many scenes with multiple characters, but no singular plot. It dealt with issues that high school kids face - from first love to teen pregnancy to abuse to suicide.

I played several characters at opposite ends of the spectrum. I played a girl who attempted suicide and a girl who was experiencing her very first kiss.

The boy on the other end of that first kiss was Brian Nelson. We called him Fred Savage because he looked almost exactly like the actor. He was short and cute with curly brown hair, freckles and big brown eyes with long eyelashes.

At first I wasn't sure if I was happy that Brian was cast in my first stage kiss. I think partly because I thought he was a nerd. And partly because I was scared about kissing a boy in front of an audience that would include my boyfriend, my Dad and my brothers.

I remember in rehearsals, we'd run the scene and just hug when the kissing part happened. Our director let us get away with that until about a week before opening night. She finally forced us to go somewhere private and not come back until we could run the scene with the kiss.

We went off to the backstage area to work it out. We sat across from each other and just stared and smiled and giggled. I suggested we run the scene and when we get to the kiss, we just go for it. He agreed.

We ran the scene and I could feel my heart pounding harder and harder as we approached the point where the kiss was supposed to happen. I squeezed my eyes shut as tight as possible and pursed my lips. I could feel him moving closer. I peeked through one of my eyes and saw that he had his eyes closed too. But he didn't look as scared as I probably did.

And as I watched him coming in for a landing, I realized he was going to totally miss. So I shut my eyes again.

He started to laugh when he realized his miscalculation. It was then that I knew I could trust him with it. So we tried it again. It was lightning quick, but we did it.

We went back to the group and ran the scene. The kiss happened and everyone applauded.

Opening night came and we got to our scene. As the lights came up, I felt like I had been transported to a different world. I was completely lost in the moment. I was feeling the true magic of theatre.

And then the kiss came. Brian gave me a kiss that was soft and gentle, and full of kindness and love. As we separated, I saw him, not the character anymore. He cared about me as a person to keep me safe. It took me a moment to recover and remember my next line. We finished the scene to thunderous applause.

In my whole life, I think that was one of the best kisses I've ever had. It came from a place that was true and pure and innocent.

I want that feeling again.

Double Douche Bag

Against my better judgement, I went out for drinks with Boy after work last night. As per usual, we were having a great time.

After about an hour, he asked me what I was doing for the rest of the evening. I told him I had plans to go dancing with friends, to which he had been invited but declined due to his housemate's birthday celebrations being the same night. Well, it turned out that the housemate rescheduled the festivities to the following evening. He asked me if he could still come out with me and my friends. I said sure but that the outfit he was wearing would not get him past the bouncers.

Well, he had an easy solution to the problem - shopping! We finished our drinks and headed to The Bay where in 20 minutes we had picked out a shirt, pair of pants and pair of shoes, all passing the dress code standard for the club.

We headed back to my place, where my friends were due to meet me (now us) at 8pm. Coming off the subway, it was already 8pm, so I started hurrying down the sidewalk. He saw a liquor store and said he was going in to get some pre-dancing fuel.

"Sure, just come back to the apartment when you are done."

I start motoring towards my street when he stopped me.

"Hey, gimme some smooches."

Kiss kiss, and off we went in our separate directions.

Half an hour later, after having gotten ready in record time, none of my friends had shown up yet. Boy comes back not just with liquor, but with a bouquet of flowers for me.

Awww.

He got dressed, commenting on how nice I looked. He gave me smooches and pats on the bum and all was fine dandy in my world.

My friend Leslie shows up (looking super hawt) and the three of us made our way to the club.

We met up with the rest of my friends on the sidewalk outside the club and in we went, ready for a night of super awesome fun. Boy paid my cover and bought me the first drink of the night.

We all sat, mixed, mingled, chatted and eventually started dancing. This was the first time I'd been with Boy out dancing and out with any of my friends. He was dancing real close and kissing me. It was good. Really nice and good.

He asked me what I was doing the next weekend. I mentioned I had plans to go to Nuit Blanche. He asked me if I would consider going up to the beach for the weekend to hang out with him, his sister and his mother. I told him I'd think about it. He said he'd be back, time for a smoke break. Kiss kiss, and off he went.

I went back to dancing with my friends and all was well.

Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock....

"Where's Boy?" Hmm, weird. He was gone for over half an hour. Everyone started looking around. And then we saw him.

We saw him dancing with a girl.

We saw him lifting the girl's arm up around his neck.

We saw his face move in very close to her face.

H.u.m.i.l.i.a.t.i.o.n.

I wanted to run out of there as fast as possible. I couldn't believe he had the nerve to do that to me, and to do that in front of my friends.

Yes, I *get* that we're not in a relationship. But for fuck's sake, he came to the club as my date!

My friend Leslie was so upset by this that she went right over and confronted him. She told him if he's going to pull shit like that, to do it where we all can't see it.

He came over to me and looked at me like I was the one who did something wrong. He couldn't understand why I was upset. He was only dancing with her, and he had no intentions of making out with her or going home with her, so what's the big deal?

Honestly? What's the big deal? WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?! Oh I don't know. Maybe the deal is he said he wanted to spend the evening with ME? And instead he was spending his time with someone else! I think I would have been just as pissed as if he ditched me for a bunch of his guy friends who happened to be there. I asked him why he didn't just BRING THE HO OVER? She could have easily joined our very happy circle of friends.

I asked him to give me back my keys, ID and phone that he had been carrying in his pockets. He asked me why. And I told him because I believed he would be leaving with someone else that night instead of me. And also I wasn't going to stick around and continue to be made a fool of.

I told him how completely rude and NOT COOL that was and that I deserve at least an ounce of respect. And all he could do was yell, "WE'RE NOT DATING! WE'RE NOT TOGETHER! WE'RE NOT DATING!"

I got my stuff back from him and went into the bathroom to try to pull myself together. When I came out, I went back to the group and he came up to me to tell me it was he that would be leaving. I asked him not to go. He said he'd go back to my place and wait. And with that, he took off down the stairs and out the door.

After receiving that glorious gift of utter disrespect, I parked my ass in a corner of the club and sulked and cried and sulked some more. My friends continued to have as good of a time as they possibly could with angry little me bringing the dark cloud of gloom to the vicinity.

I took a cab home with Leslie and parked my sorry ass on her couch. It was then I realized that Boy had given me back everything except my phone. So I did what any girl in my position would do - pass out cold.

I woke up around 7am and was informed that Boy had called Leslie's cellphone upwards of 40 times and sent a few text messages asking her to please get me home ASAP to let him in. His laptop and house keys were at my place.

I got home at 7:30am and had to do the walk of shame into my building where he was waiting on one of the couches, talking to one of the neighbours who lived on my floor.

We got inside my place, he packed up his stuff and started making his way out the door. I asked him if we were going to talk about it. He said there was really nothing to talk about. Well, except for I'm a bitch for letting him sit outside my place for 7 hours. I told him he was the ASSHOLE who left the club. What was I supposed to do, leave my friends? If he were my boyfriend I perhaps would have considered leaving but as he's made it abundantly clear, I'm nothing to him and he's nothing to me.

And that was that. He said he'd talk to me later. Yeah. What.EV.er. Fucking douche bag.

Douche Bag

I went last night. We ate at a bar and he talked and talked and talked. I didn't say very much as I didn't want to give him the idea I was falling in love with him. I didn't try to make any physical contact either. He noticed on both counts. He kept asking me why I was quiet. He moved closer to me in our booth and linked his arm around mine.

When we got back to his place, we settled into our PJs and onto the couch to watch a movie. About 2 minutes in, he fell asleep. I woke him up about an hour later and suggested we go to bed.

And then in bed, we slept. No real kissing, not much of anything really.

Waking up this morning wasn't the greatest either. I was kissing him and he basically told me to get off. So I rolled over. He asked me if I was mad. I said no, I was just respecting his request and removing myself from his vicinity.

Parting ways for work was met with a little peck.

I think this is done.

Back to the couch and the cat...