Role Playing

From "Run To You"
Music & Lyrics by Whitney Houston

Each day, each day I play the role
Of someone
Always in control

But at night I come home and turn the key
There's nobody there, no one cares for me

What's the sense of trying hard to find your dreams
Without someone to share it with
Tell me what this means?

Maybe Not

I saw my therapist today and about 3 minutes into my session, I started bawling. I have a huge hole in my heart that seems to only be filled by family.

I made a decision when I was 28 about finding a sperm donor to start my own family. All of my friends balked at the idea. Everyone kept saying, "Oh just wait! You have plenty of time to find a husband and start a family." Yeah I did end up finding a crazy psycho husband, and subsequently got divorced. And now 5 years later, I'm back to square one.

I restarted my search and have found a donor. Come hell or high water, I will be pregnant in 2010.

I really wanted my children's father to be known to them and a permanent part of their life. But at the rate things are going in my life, it doesn't look like that is how things will play out.

I'm exhausted. I'm really tired of looking. And I'm especially tired of putting out a huge effort and not getting anything in return.

I never wrote Butterfly back after his last email. I haven't called S&P since our Kazakhstan summit. And neither of them have noticed that I've just disappeared.

I think I'm done. I don't know if it's forever, but it's definitely over for right now.

Kazakhstan

Salt & Pepper met up with me for sushi dinner last night. This was our first date since he got back from his business trip to St. Louis.

As on our last two dates, the conversation was fun and funny. I really like talking to him. And he always laughs at my jokes. He thinks I'm freaking hilarious!

We had a really good conversation rolling when all of a sudden it takes a huge turn and hits a wall. He told me he had an epiphany in that he hates his job and wants to make a change. So he's starting the process to secure a contract job in Kazakhstan.

K.a.z.a.k.h.s.t.a.n.

It took me more than a few moments to really register where the hell Kazakhstan is. In case you don't have your world map handy, that's near and around Russia.

Apparently his house mate's sister has a project management contract at this company in Kazakhstan which pays a ridiculous amount of money and she works alternating months. So one month she's working her tail off, and the month off she spends travelling around.

My heart dropped into my stomach and my brain started to scream. OF COURSE the only decent guy who is showing me a slight interest is going to run away. To Russia. OF COURSE!

I put on my best smiley face and told him to go for it. So we spent the rest of the night playing the fun game of "I wonder if they have (insert item name here) in Kazakhstan?"

Is it really too much to ask to have a guy land in my life that is kind, nice, attractive (to me of course) and who is going to STAY on the CONTINENT?! I'm starting to wonder if it is too much to ask for...

Fix Up Central

Currently I have 4 different friends all working to find me Mr. Right. I feel like I should open up a headquarters for them to pool their efforts and so they can keep each other from jumping out a window once the realization sets in that this task is virtually impossible.

They say it takes a village to raise a child. In my case, I think it's going to take not only a village, but a whole damned continent to find me one good man.

Or I could just buy this book: http://www.findahusbandafter35.com/ and save everyone the trouble. Apparently the book REALLY WORKS!

Yeah, because if it were *that* easy, the author would have put everyone else out of business.

Vicarious

My DT is happy. She has a boyfriend that she really likes. And who really likes her and makes her feel good.

I'm very happy that she's very happy.

At the same time I want to slit my throat.

DT knows this is how I'm feeling, and is reluctant to gush about her BF. But I want her to! Right now, the only happiness I'm getting is vicariously through my friends.

It's a strange dichotomy. As happy as I am for my friends, I'm miserable about myself.

I know self-loathing gets you nowhere (except maybe a trip to the mental ward of the hospital), but it's how I'm feeling.

I suppose it should give me hope. Love is happening all around me. So why can't I have it too?

Yeah. That's the question I've been asking my whole adult life. WHY CAN'T I HAVE IT TOO?

Throat. Slit. Ooze. Squish.

Melancholy

"What If I Stay"
Music & Lyrics by Melanie C

Calling all my senses
I can't see or taste or feel you anymore
And every day I'm calling on my inner strength
To fight for something once worth fighting for

Maybe it's life in the real world?
Maybe it's all been my fault?

What if I go?
What if I leave?
What if I show you how you're breaking me?
And I know, whatever I say I'll still be thinking
What if I stay?

Staring at the stars
I make a wish that I could travel back in time
I lie awake just looking at your face
And I remember how you used to look at mine

Maybe it's life in the real world?
Maybe it's all been your fault?

What if I go?
What if I leave?
What if I show you how you're breaking me?
And I know, whatever I say I'll still be thinking
What if I stay?

What if I'm sorry?
What if I love you?

Summer Hours

Every Friday between Canada Day and Labour Day, we are allowed to leave the office at 3pm.

One of the directors in my department was just leaving his office and stopped by my desk to wish me a nice weekend. He asked me why I hadn't left yet.

"I don't have anyone to get home to."

He made a sad pouty face and then wished me a good afternoon.

I feel like I'm about to cry.

Really, I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I'm just feeling sad, sad, sad.