Maybe Not

I saw my therapist today and about 3 minutes into my session, I started bawling. I have a huge hole in my heart that seems to only be filled by family.

I made a decision when I was 28 about finding a sperm donor to start my own family. All of my friends balked at the idea. Everyone kept saying, "Oh just wait! You have plenty of time to find a husband and start a family." Yeah I did end up finding a crazy psycho husband, and subsequently got divorced. And now 5 years later, I'm back to square one.

I restarted my search and have found a donor. Come hell or high water, I will be pregnant in 2010.

I really wanted my children's father to be known to them and a permanent part of their life. But at the rate things are going in my life, it doesn't look like that is how things will play out.

I'm exhausted. I'm really tired of looking. And I'm especially tired of putting out a huge effort and not getting anything in return.

I never wrote Butterfly back after his last email. I haven't called S&P since our Kazakhstan summit. And neither of them have noticed that I've just disappeared.

I think I'm done. I don't know if it's forever, but it's definitely over for right now.