Thursday, April 30, 2009

She's Not the Only One

“I am totally confident that I am an incredible artist and performer. I am extremely confident about my body, the way I dress, the way I want to look. But I have no confidence when it comes to men. Men are a disaster area for me. It’s so weird because I believe I am super sexy. I believe I am incredible, but I have absolutely no luck with boyfriends.”

- Lady GaGa told British reporters

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Still Waiting

Here is something I wrote in a little notebook that has been living in the bottom of my purse for the last 9 months. I'm still waiting for this guy to show up.

July 28, 2008

He will have kind eyes.
He will have a bright smile.
He will be loving and gentle.
He will have a great sense of humour.
He will be extremely patient.
He will want children.
He will pay me the attention I want and need.
He will be a great listener.
He will protect me always.
He will be understanding and respectful of my past.
He will put my feelings first.
He will never raise his voice in anger.
He will work hard at keeping our relationship solid.
He will appreciate the things I like.
He will always express his love for me.

Monday, April 27, 2009

New Matches

I keep getting emails from PoF, telling me there are NEW MATCHES!!!!


I guess they didn't get the memo that I quit dating.

The matches I need are the kind that make fire. So I can burn everything down around me.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Chef Jeff x2

I was at a local restaurant tonight for my friend's show. I was the guest singer last week. Went to check out this week's guest performer and to check out the drummer who I think is hot.

The chef at the restaurant, Jeff (ironic!), was there hanging out after his shift. He remembered me from last week. He sat down and started chatting with me. He had blue eyes, a beard and a cool poorboy Kangol hat.

At one point I grabbed his hand to pull him closer so I could tell him something. I didn't let go of his hand cuz it felt nice. He leaned in and said, "Can we stop that?" Ouch. I let go.

I went to the bathroom to regain some sense of dignity. When I came back, he decided he wanted me. He placed his hand on my thigh. He asked me to come home with him. I said no. He said, "You like trouble". I said, "I am trouble". He said, "Prove it". I said, "I don't have to prove anything". He said, "Show it". I said, "I don't gotta show anything".

I started dancing. That gave him a semi which he had no shame in adjusting in front of everyone.

We talked for a bit at the bar where he let a fart go that smelled really bad. He owned up to it.

I danced some more and he told me I was sexy. He also told me that he watched me sing last week and he could tell how sexy I was. And that I'm well proportioned. Hmmm.

I told him I had to leave. He gave me a hug, and then made out with my face. It was nice having a man kiss me. I did wish it was the drummer though.

Kissing a man with a beard was awesome.

But I came home alone. Part of it is knowing I'd get him here and he'd pass out cold. And the other part is that I haven't waxed in about 2 months.

That saved my chastity, for tonight at least. I'll go back next week and see if he even remembers my name.

Saturday, April 18, 2009


When I was married, I had a relationship status line that proudly boasted "MARRIED" on my Facebook profile.

When I threw out my husband, my relationship status changed to "IT'S COMPLICATED".

When he signed the separation agreement and moved all his shit out, my relationship status changed to "SINGLE". And after that, every time I logged into Facebook, "SINGLE" would scream in my face. That got me really mad and so I took it off my profile all together.

And in the two years since, I've watched other friends relationship statuses (stati? statii??) change from "SINGLE" to "IN A RELATIONSHIP", to "ENGAGED" and eventually to "MARRIED". I haven't seen any of them change back the way mine did.

I really, really, REALLY want to put my status up there again. I'm not afraid to say that I'm totally jealous of all my girlfriends who have been able to go through Relationship Status Metamorphosis. I want to be able to put it out there and show the world that yes, someone loves me too!

I'm sad that my status is still non existent. I'm not even qualified to call myself single, because to me, single means out there and dating and having an awesome time. Which I am not, not and definitely NOT.

I need a new status category: ALONE.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Chapel of Ugh

I'm prepping for an audition today. It's for a 60's type girl group, a la The Supremes. The audition song is "Chapel of Love" by The Dixie Cups. (Why did all 60's girl groups have such barf-tastic names?)

I've been singing this song over and over and over for the last hour and I'm ready to scratch my eyes out.

I remember that was the song going through my head the day I got married. And I actually did get married in a little chapel, in Las Vegas. It really was the happiest day of my life. The sky was blue, the birds were singing, and all that other nonsense you see and hear when you're retardedly in love.

I hope I don't barf all over my shoes at the audition. This song is really starting to make me nauseous.

Sunday, April 5, 2009


I went out last night with my friend and her husband for a mutual friend's 30th birthday bash. I brought along two single gal pals as the Birthday Boy is single, and the word was he'd be bringing a bunch of his single friends.

I arrived with the Married Couple and greeted the BB. BB introduced me to a few of his single guy pals. My single gal pals arrived about half an hour later and they greeted the BB and the gaggle of guys.

I tried talking to a few of the dudes, but they just weren't reciprocating. So I hung and danced with the Married Couple. I had a good time up until the strap on my purse broke. Then it was just awkward trying to hold my purse and wave-my-hands-up-in-the-air-like-I-just-didn't-care.

Single Gal #1 ended up making out with BB for the entire night. Single Gal #2 ended up making out with a friend of BB.

So there's proof again that I repel men into the arms of my girlfriends. Good thing I'm on a break from dating otherwise my feelings would have been hurt.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

The Answer

For years I (and others) have been asking why men don't find me attractive. And not just that, but the fact that I'm invisible to them when I'm out at bars and clubs.

Well today I finally got my answer, from the Goddess herself, Oprah.

Friday's episode was all about sex. One of the topics covered was the unconscious attraction between men and women. These unconscious attractions are dependent on the scents we emit. Women are particularly attractive to men during during ovulation because we emit copulins. When a man catches a whiff of a girl's copulins, she suddenly becomes more attractive to him.

There was a study done which had a group of men inhale undetectable amounts of copulins while looking at pictures of women. They were asked to rate how attractive the women were. It was shown that while inhaling the copulins, the men lost all ability to truly rate the attractiveness of the women, because they suddenly were all attractive!

This is what Oprah calls an "ah ha moment"!

I haven't ovulated in 10 years because I've been on the pill. Boys don't like me because they can't smell me.

I'll probably be going off the pill in 3 months anyway as my medical benefits will cease at the end of my severance period.

Oh the irony.