Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Off the Wagon

I just cannot help myself. I know it was wrong but I couldn't resist.

Boy and I went for drinks last night after work. One beer led to another which led to him in my bed.

Now in my defence, I've been pretty horny lately. And it's been over a month since I've had sex. And you know, they ain't lying when they say a woman's sex drive increases exponentially as she reaches her mid thirties.

I'm seriously toying with the idea of letting his Woman know about what happened between us last night.

You see, as smart as Boy thinks he is, I'm smarter. And I know the password to his blackberry. So while he was in the washroom, I took a little tour around his inbox. Lo and behold I found an email thread then went something like this:

Boy: Hey gorgeous, what's shakin'?

Woman: I went shopping and blah blah blah and did laundry and blah blah blah, and my kid sat in a plate of ketchup twice. What about you?

Boy: Just left having drinks with coworkers. Miss you. :-(

Awww, isn't that sweet? He misses her. He must have missed her a lot because when we got back to my place, his clothes were off in about 10 seconds and we fucked so hard my bed moved about a foot and a half away from the wall.

And I'm sure he continued missing her when we fucked again at 5am and he was begging me not to stop.

And I'm positive the part where he missed her most was when he had me in his arms, kissing my face and telling me all those wonderful things you tell someone after you've done the nasty.

My heart bleeds for him. You can really tell how much he cares about her.

The great thing about all of this is that I just don't give a flying shit about him anymore. Everything that happened last night shows me the true degenerate he really is. And I'm really happy to fuck him and leave him.

Monday, December 29, 2008

Super Day

My Chinese horoscope for today:

Your energy will be great, but beware of too strong nervous tensions which might provoke troubles. Love, sex and sensual satisfactions will mark this day; you'll seduce everywhere you'll go. Do yourself pleasure, multiply hobbies and all activities capable of interesting you passionately.

Oh please oh please oh please!!!!!!!

Saturday, December 27, 2008


I was driving along with my brother in the front seat and my cousins in the back. I pulled up behind a car at a stop light and I was close enough to see the license plate.


I did a double take. So did my brother.

That plate hates me! Which means the owner of that car hates me.

Now I know that AMZ could mean any number of things. However I was driving in my very small, very annoying, hometown. And as far as I can remember, I'm the only AMZ that existed there.

There is just no love for me!

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Feliz Navidad

Yesterday I saw Boy and the woman he's currently banging. It was by pure chance that I almost bumped into them. I was walking in the underground on my way to lunch, and they were walking in the other direction. They didn't see me thank goodness, but I most certainly saw them.

They didn't look very happy. Both were carrying a Starbucks coffee. She seemed more interested in the coffee than in him.

I thought back to the lunches we spent together. We were always laughing and talking and having fun.

I felt pretty sad sitting in Quiznos all alone eating my Chicken Carbonara on Whole Wheat with Mushrooms and Bacon.

I had a dream last night about Boy. A lot of time had passed and we were at a party together. We danced and we kissed and then we made love. I woke up this morning a bit disoriented and in a bit of a foul mood.

Getting off the subway, I heard the strains of "Feliz Navidad" coming from a TTC musician. I've never learned this guy's name, but he's one of my favourite underground players.

His version of "Feliz Navidad" was quite joyous and uplifting. All it took was a moment of listening before a smile broke out on my face.

Thanks to him, I had a lovely last day at work before the Christmas break.

Happy holidays to all of you.

Sunday, December 21, 2008


I spent most of yesterday asleep on my couch. I got a phone call from The Mechanic at one point in the afternoon (?) asking me when he should come by to put the tire he fixed back on to my car. "Whenever is good for you, you're the one doing me the favour."

I spent most of today catching up on All My Children and Lipstick Jungle. (I love this show, why do they have to cancel awesome programs?) Around every three episodes, I'd pass out on the couch. I got another phone call from The Mechanic, he would be coming in the afternoon.

I managed to peel myself off the couch long enough to take a shower and brush my teeth.

He buzzed around 3pm, I went downstairs and let him into the parking garage.

He made small talk. I could barely concentrate enough to respond.

He asked me what I was doing for the rest of the day. Napping and watching the rest of my Lipstick Jungle episodes.

He finished with the tire and then topped up my windshield wiper fluid. (Windshield washer fluid?)

I walked him out of the parking garage and thanked him for the tremendous favour he had done. He hugged me and kissed my cheek.

"Merry Christmas."

"Drive safe."

I came back upstairs, changed into my PJs and passed out cold on the couch again.

I just cannot understand why I'm not attracted to him. He's cute, he's extraordinarily nice to me, and is in a place in his life where he wants to settle down and have a family. All of the things I've been looking for, and praying for.

All I know is when I look at The Mechanic I can't imagine ever kissing him, never mind ever having sex with him.

And I really really wanted there to be something. Anything. Any little glimmer of a tiny little speck of something.

But I know I can't force it. My therapist has told me this over and over. I'm the type of person that if there isn't a spark to start, it just won't ever happen. And it sadly looks like this is the case.

Chemistry is the key. And hopefully, I'll know when he comes along.


Saturday, December 20, 2008

Of Course He Didn't

Lots of beer, and lots of opportunity. However Stage Hand did not make the most of it.

I ended up flirting with two married men with two children each and vasectomies. Yes, the conversation took us to the point where they felt they were comfortable enough to each tell me of their snip-snip.

Too bad the Stage Hand and I didn't have that kind of one on one time.

I shared a cab home with an old friend who I still have a crush on. He gave me two kisses on the lips. Those small moments made me feel loved.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

One Good Man


Honey, I love to go to parties.
And I like to have a good time,
But if it gets too pale after a while
Honey I start looking to find

One good man.
Hmm, don’t you know I’ve been searching,
Oh yes I have!
One good man,
Oh ain’t much, honey ain’t much,
It’s only everything, whoa.

An’ I don’t want much outta life,
I never wanted a mansion in the South.
I just-a want to find someone sincere
Who’d treat me like he talks,

One good man.
Oh honey don’t you know that I’ve been looking.
Oh, one good man
Ain’t much, honey it ain’t much,
Oh, it’s only everything.
All right.

Some girls they want to collect their men,
They wear ’em like notches on a gun.
Oh honey, but I know better than that,
I know that a woman only needs one.

One good man, oh,
Oh baby don’t you know I’ve been looking, hmm.
One good man,
It ain’t much, no, no honey it ain’t much,
Oh, it’s only every little thing,
Just-a everything, everything
Ah yeah.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Old Habits

An old bed buddy of mine has reappeared after years of absence. We've always kept in touch via email, however it wasn't until a few months ago that we saw each other again in person.

He's happily(?) married now. Our first vis-a-vis was at a bar, and it was mostly me describing the insanity that was my marriage.

The second time was at my place and we shared a bottle of scotch. I think the split was 70-30 in my favour. I was breathing and belching scotch the whole next day at work. The conversation was mostly about Boy and the conflicting messages he was sending me.

Tonight was our third summit. I gave him a bottle of Dominican rum as a belated birthday present. Of course we cracked it open immediately.

I honestly cannot tell you why, but he ended up giving me a foot massage (both feet) and a back rub with grape seed oil that he just so happened to have in his laptop bag.

He and I are definitely like oxygen to a flame. We've always had an insane chemistry, but never a relationship. Which is too bad really when I think about it. I know mostly the reason is cultural - he is Jewish and I am not.

At any rate, I doubt his wife would think it's cool that he was rubbing another woman's feet. And not just any woman, but a woman he had an affair with.

He's always trusted me implicitly and I feel like his reappearance has something to do with needing someone to confide in. However I can't figure out how grape seed oil fits into that.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Disco Break

I'm back from the Dominican with a nasty cold but my chastity still in tact.

I did not use one of the six condoms I brought with me. That was by choice, and not for lack of opportunity.

Opportunity came in the form of a very tall and very hot Italian boy who was a friend of the groom. He gleaned onto me from the moment we stepped off the plane. By that afternoon, we were snogging. By that evening, I had him wrapped around my pinkie. By the next day, we were practically engaged. And I was so painfully annoyed by how absolutely STUPID he was.

Here's a partial list of the things that made me want to smack him with a brick:

* almost 39 years old and still lives with his parents

* Mommy packed his suitcase for him, which was so overweight he had to pay a $100USD luggage penalty

* was loud and obnoxious but would shush himself (seriously, it was the strangest thing I've ever seen)

* drooled when drunk

* partied every single night without fail

* made out with me, knowing full well he was sick, which of course I ended up catching

And the most annoying thing? No matter where we were - be it at the beach, at dinner, walking through the lobby - he would randomly yell "DISCO BREAK" and bust out dancing to the music in his head.

One night we were at one of the fancy a la carte restaurants and he would just not stop being loud.

P: Hey, are you like a canary?
DB: (quizzical look)
P: If I put a napkin over your head, will you go to sleep?
(whole table howls with laughter)

For the rest of the week, anytime Disco Break would get out of hand, someone would ask for a napkin.

I am proud to say that even though I was lonely, I chose NOT to hook up with him. It would have been sooooo easy too, even easier than with Boy. But I think I've finally learned what all of my friends have been SCREAMING at me.

I'm better than that.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Tee Hee

So I was pretty upset last night, as I'm sure you could all tell by my last post. I really need to stick to my "don't drink and blog or Facebook" rule that I set for myself after my marriage imploded.

Work was nuts today as I had to wrap everything up before my big trip tomorrow...er...today. I am due at the airport in a few hours so I thought I'd post an interesting development with Stage Hand.

I was in studio this afternoon, doing my Head Studio Usher thing and I saw Stage Hand, as per usual. He came right over to me and gave me a hug that lasted what felt like 5 minutes. He also picked me up off my feet. I warned him not to hurt himself, he said, "I'm in staging, I'm strong." Right. Hee hee. :)

Everytime we'd see each other, we'd make eye contact and smile. I started getting nervous, I've never been good at maintaining eye contact with someone I fancy.

The show was in progress and the audience coordinator, aka my recon specialist, was in with me and I told her the whole East-Side-Mario's-phone-number-exchange-and-merlot story. She was super excited for me.

At one point after she had left the studio, Stage Hand came off set to where us ushers sit. He was saying hello to everyone as he walked by. As he came past me, he didn't say anything, but grabbed a hold of the chair I was in and rolled me backwards into an area where we keep all the special effects equipment.

He turned my chair around so my back was to the set. He asked me if I was busy at that moment and I said no. He said good, grabbed my hand, pulled me out of the chair and in behind the special effects area.


I was all tangled up in his arms and in my headset. I didn't even know what was happening. When I realized he was making out with me, it was over. He gave me a hug and then went back to the set.

I straightened myself out and wheeled my chair back to where the ushers were and I could not wipe the grin off my face.

As Sally Field once said, "You like me! You really like me!"

Thursday, December 4, 2008


Pardon my french, but i'm drunk.

Was at office xmas party.

every girl tghere is gorgeous and skinny and not me./

I would just love ot be happy. but it's not gonnahappen. i have to accvept it or i may jsut hang myself.

i'm going to the dominican on friday to watch one of my best friends tie the knot. she got the happy ever after.

i'm happy for her. as much as one can be.

Boy is an asshole. proves it over and over agian. i wanted to try being friends but i don't htink that will happend.

I am going to fuck the island of Dominican. I am bringing codoms. YEAH MOFOS AIN'T NO STOPPING ME NOW.

I'm sorry for what I've done. And for all the things I will evenutally do. I am going to go down in flames and i deserve it.