Sunday, November 30, 2008

Enter Stage Left

Friday was a bit of a fiasco at work. I was screamed at by a senior vice president, which then led to me crying in my boss' office, which then led to HR getting involved. Not a good day.

I left work early to go to work at the Gemini Awards. Let me tell you, Canadian celebrities think they are more important than they actually are. A big F.U. goes to Shenae Grimes and Sitara Hewitt. Thanks for making an already bad day that much worse. Bitches.

A couple girlfriends and I ended up at East Side Mario's after the big show (of assholes). At first we were going to hit up Lonestar, but my one friend insisted on ESM. I'd be thanking her later on for her steadfast choice.

We quickly settled into some drinks, nibbles, and a bitch fest about how much guys suck. We lamented about the lack of available good men, and how our hot & sexy selves were being wasted on losers like Boy.

I was in the middle of a rather loud rant about Boy when all of a sudden, I felt two strong arms pull me into a warm hug. I pulled back, and there stood one of the staging guys I work with at the Royal Canadian Air Farce.

I've worked at Air Farce since 2004. The first four seasons I spent as the VIP wrangler. For this final season of the show (why must great Canadian programs get cancelled?!), I was promoted to Head Studio Usher. I've known Stage Hand since I've been there, however it wasn't until this season that he appeared on my radar as a potential hook up.

Over the last few weeks, he and I have chatted quite a bit on set. I mentioned to the audience coordinator (my boss at the show) I think he's a cutie. She quickly flew into recon mode to see if he was available. She found out that he was - sort of. He was in the process of breaking up with a live-in GF.

And there he was, smiling at me. I was stunned to say the least as he was the last person I expected to see on a Friday night at East Side Mario's.

He started walking away when I stopped him.

P: You're not getting away that easily.

SH: (walking back) Oh no?

P: Not this time. (smiles) When are you going to ask me out?

SH: (pause) When I get my furniture back...

P: (nods head) I see.

SH: (walking away)

P: Hang on! You're doing this all wrong!

SH: (walking back and laughing) I am?

P: If you're going to ask me out eventually, you'll need my number.

SH: Right! (takes cell phone out of pocket) Let me have it.

As this exchange happened, my two girlfriends sat with mouths agape. I would have been too, but for some reason, I'd grown some sort of confidence between him hugging me and his first attempt at walking away.

He gave me another hug and then went back to his table. The girls of course started freaking out and demanding details. I told them as I've told you about the chatting on set and the inquiry into his relationship status.

As we were giggling triumphant, the waiter appeared with 3 shots. We asked who our benefactor was. "A mystery man." Of course. :) We also asked what the shots were called. "Red headed sluts." Nice. Hehehe.

I sent Stage Hand a text message thanking him for the shots. "C U soon sweetness" Awwww.

And just when I thought the situation couldn't get any cuter, he came over to my table again and told me he had something for me.

For a moment, panic struck. I imagined he was going to whip out his dick and ask for some head right there. I don't know why I thought this of him, as he's only ever been nice to me. However, he's got a bit of a bad boy thing going on - tattoos, piercings and heavy metal band shirts. Oh right, it's because I have a big chip on my shoulder that all men are assholes.

Off I went to his table, where a few other staging guys were sitting, who all know me as well. I got a "Hello nurse!" from one. Hehehe. Stage Hand gave me another hug and then opened his backpack to get my gift.

It wasn't his penis, but a bottle of merlot. He started explaining that he doesn't always carry wine around in his backpack, however he has a case of it stashed at the studio. They work crazy hours and sometimes when it's too late to go to the bar to have drinks, they stay on set and drink there. So he'd run back to the studio and grabbed me a bottle. Awww! See, cuter than I could have imagined.

I thanked him and told him that I would save the bottle for when he came over for a visit. He smiled, hugged me hard and kissed me on the cheek. He whispered "soon" in my ear.

I can't wait to see him this week on set.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Can't Buy Me Love

Because I'm still (insert any and all emotion here) about Boy, I thought I would go on Ebay for a little retail therapy.

I did searches on handbags, shoes, and jewellery. Yes, I am a typical female. :P And just because I was curious and needed some hope, I did a search on happiness....oh, if it were only as easy as this ad.

Haunted ring 9.2510X charm love&happiness marriage
100% amazing truly spell force of rite


My name is Chloé St-Amour and I have been practicing white magic for several years now. I am a descendant of a lineage of white witches as my great-grandmother, my grandmother and my mother . My grandmother showed me all the rites and secrets to attract the luck and happiness in life and always increase intuition to foresee the events. My grandmother had a little place in her bedroom where she did her rites as she always locked the door of her bedroom "the secret place" Many paranormal phenomenas arrived in my life for several years by premonitory dreams, visions, flashes etc....and always I see again and again the face of my grandmother marcella to haunt my gestures . It is for that today I have the luck to be able to channel my jewels by my rites and to give the luck to all you!!

Every day I get up at 4:30 am I begin my rites and I ask the spirit of my grandmother to come haunt my jewels by the luck, money, love, force, courage and determination so that your wishes come true!!

Today it is necessary to have somebody who by the positive force of its rituals and his will sends you the necessary energy which allows you to spend easily more the difficult moments and especially to take out you out of it. Some are going to sell rings by saying to you that there are forces symbolized by geniuses

Who will give you all that you wish?? You believe that ?

The rites are energies, a thought forces which will be transformed into realization.

unique design
( I have just one piece)


Because when you will wear this RING you will feel the psychic force which this jewel is going to surround you.

I am going to do a personal spell cast for the person who buys this ring.

It is for it that I ask you to send me your name and your date of birth and if possible your photo so that I can Embué ( secret ceremony incantation special and personnal) my power of medium white magic in this ring which is intended for you and you will works!!

Attention: I do a serious and personalized work for each of you, and your demands which I implore for you have to be in condition that it pleases God and does not come in contradiction with the evolution of your dimension of life.

I have many happy customers in the world!!I am a Master spellcaster and psychic medium paranormal white magic and I can cast any spell for you.100% positives feedback comment
If you do not wear it in the finger, put this ring in a white handkerchief and make a knot and put it in your pocket or in your bag.

This ring will be shipped by post Canada service
I am not responsable for lost or damaged items through the mail
Law requirement states that readings, spells, and paranormal objects are for entertainment purposes only and that I cannot take any responsibility for any activity that may or may not occur in association with this item. many blessings

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Divine Intervention

The bar we played at last night used to be a church. The first time I walked in, I knew I had to get booked there. The acoustics are amazing of course. And the whole vibe of the place is peaceful and warm.

My friend Brent met me at the bar before my show to have dinner and listen to me bemoan what happened with Boy. I asked him for the guy perspective and he told me that Boy is definitely a huge douche bag, plain and simple.

I told Brent that perhaps I should just start praying for my dream guy. So I looked up to the ceiling and said, "Hey God, it's me, Paprika. So I just wanted to ask that if you have a moment, could you please send me a smart, funny, NICE, decent and good looking guy. Cuz I'm pretty ready to stop seeing losers like Boy and get on with my life. Okay thanks. Bye."

As I finished my prayer, I realized it was time to hit the stage. I stopped at the bar to grab my favourite drink while performing - room temperature water with no ice. The bar owner Val was happy to oblige. While she was pouring my poison, she asked me how things were going with Boy. Gave her the short version - he stuck his dick in someone else. She was horrified at that and said, "You've been through so much, I know the perfect guy will come walking through that door." To which I replied, "From your lips to the universe's ears."

I hit the stage and rocked out with my boys for the next hour. My Dad showed up half way through the set. My friend Kelly showed up and hung with my Dad. People were enjoying our stuff.

After the break, we got back up and just as we finished the first song of the 2nd set, in walked The Mechanic.

Now I must take a moment and give you the back story.

[ My friend mentioned to me a while ago that her brother the mechanic is 39, never married, and definitely looking to settle down. However, he keeps chasing girls who are princesses and just general bitches and definitely not the marrying type. Now normally she would never dream of fixing up her bro however, she paired the two of us in her mind's eye and decided that there could potentially be a long term match. I've met him a few times at her place for various get togethers but because I've been so involved with the drama of Boy, I haven't really given The Mechanic much thought.

My friend, her boyfriend and The Mechanic came to a show of mine 2 weeks ago in Toronto. They stayed for 1 1/2 sets and then took off without saying goodnight. I thought for sure at that point he decided I was too (insert annoying character trait here) and ran away as fast as possible. Turns out that wasn't the case, my friend wasn't feeling well so they all went home.

I spent last Sunday hanging at my friend's place and of course, The Mechanic just happened to show up. The plan was to go to the Santa Claus Parade however I was far too tired from my show in Oshawa (which Boy had come to ), and they were all hung over from a night of Rockband. So we watched movies, passed out on different pieces of furniture, went shopping at Costco, watched more movies, ate dinner and passed out again. At 11:30pm I realized I had to go home as I had to work the following day. He offered me a ride home.

In the car he started babbling about a bunch of stuff, and I think the general gist was that he liked me. He said I was attractive and good. (Good? Evil probably.) He babbled, blubbed, stuttered and mentioned that he also knew I was divorced and probably apprehensive about starting up another relationship so soon after the proverbial ink had dried. He gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek goodnight. And that was the last time I saw him. ]

I caught his attention and waved. He smiled and sat down at the table just in front of my Dad and Kelly. He had a few days of beard growing which of course makes me wanna jump him immediately. He was wearing a button down shirt and cargos. And he looked genuinely happy to see me.

I went right over to him during the break after my set and gave him a big hug. I told him I was very surprised to see him, as he lives quite far north of Toronto. He told me that he was at his sister's downtown and decided he wanted to come see the show. He got a new GPS for his car and thought he'd try it out.

I gotta say, him showing up like that scored quite a lot of points with me.

I introduced him to the band and to my Dad. Of course I didn't even have to look at my Dad to know what was running through his mind. So I avoided making eye contact with my dear Father.

After the show, The Mechanic helped tear down our equipment and he walked me to my car. Then he asked me for my number, which I happily gave to him. I got a text message later wishing me a good sleep.

Now let's think about how last night would have turned out had Boy not told me about sticking his pee-pee into another va-jay-jay.

(insert time warping, alternate universe music here)

Boy, Housemate, HM's Girl and I would have arrived at the bar early for dinner. We would have shared multiple pitchers of beer. Boy would have definitely been groping me under the table.

I go start the show. Boy, HM & HMG would have gone to play pool. My Dad would have shown up, as would Kelly.

Break between sets. Boy comes up from pool game and I introduce him (begrudgingly) to my Dad. Boy would be charming (as he is) and made small talk. Boy rejoins HM & HMG.

Second set begins. In walks The Mechanic. I catch his eye and wave. He takes a seat at the table in front of my Dad & Kelly.

Break between sets. Boy comes up from pool game as I am giving The Mechanic a hug. I introduce Boy (begrudgingly) to The Mechanic. Boy would be charming and make small talk. Then Boy would have stuck his tongue down my throat and The Mechanic would have been wondering why he drove all the way down to Grimsby. The Mechanic leaves shortly thereafter.

Show is over. I go home with Boy. We make love. We go for breakfast. We spend the day together. I go home.

Monday arrives. I text Boy asking to hang out. No reply. Tuesday arrives. I text Boy asking what's up. He says let's get together. Boy arrives at apartment after work.

Boy tells me he stuck his pee-pee into another va-jay-jay. I toss his ass out of my apartment and then realize that I have blown any chance with The Mechanic.

I guess this may all have happened for a reason. But I still don't like the part where Boy is a complete assfucker.

Saturday, November 22, 2008


And now it's done. For good. It's so finished there's no possibility of it ever starting again.

I was supposed to spend a fun night with Boy at his place. We were going to drink and play video games and eventually get it on.

However on the way there, he told me that he slept with another girl last night.

I could have sworn I actually heard a THUD in my chest.

"You're a great girl."

"I thought I was clear with you from the beginning."

"I didn't want to hurt you."

All of those things may be true, but the fact of the matter is that he acted like my boyfriend. He spent all his time with me and up until last night, didn't stick his penis into strange vaginas. There is a reason why they say, "actions speak louder than words". THERE IS A DAMN GOOD REASON FOR THAT.

"Are we still going to hang out tonight?"


Oh yeah! Sure! No problem! So you fucked someone. Let's go play Rockband! FUN TIMES.

It took all my strength not to crash his side of the car into a pole.

"Housemate and I were gonna come to your show tomorrow. Can we still come?"


"I confided a lot of things in you, are you going to spill my secrets?"


"Are we still going to be friends?"

(sigh) I'm too tired to even begin to deal with that.

Saturday, November 15, 2008


And back I swing to liking Boy.

He came with me to my show last night in Oshawa, as my captive audience because I was the one driving. This would be the first time he's seen me perform with my band.

I don't know what it is about him. The minute I think he's completely incapable of being a decent human being, he turns around and surprises me.

He told people (mostly the older chicks hitting on him) he was there with me. "Really? With the singer?!" "Yes, I'm with her."

Half way through each set, the guys in my band take turns at vocals, for which I usually take a break to sit with any friends who happen to be there. During one of these breaks, my guys played a particularly dancy tune. So I asked Boy to dance.


We finally got to do what we didn't do that disastrous night.

And it was awesome. It was soooo good. For that one song, nothing else existed. None of the tears, none of the anger, none of the douche-baggery. It was just me, him and the music. And at the end of the song, he leaned in and gave me an amazing kiss. He also mentioned I gave him a semi. Hehehe, my hips don't lie!

When we got home, he was nice and drunk and I was fully expecting to just fall asleep curled up together. However, he surprised me once more. :)

It was slow and gentle and passionate. And probably the best we've ever had.

Later he asked me to come for dinner to meet his family. He warned me that his mom was still not impressed with the whole leaving-her-sweet-baby-boy-out-on-the-cold-front-stoop-all-night. And it would be likely that all of the family would be talking to me about it.

Riiiiiight. That sounds more like a lynching than dinner. I told him I'd think about it and we'd talk more in the morning.

I decided to pass on meeting the family. For one, lynch mob. For two, I have another show tonight in Oshawa and his family is about a 2 hour drive in the opposite direction. I told him we could plan another weekend for me to meet them when I didn't have a show the same night.

So I'm here blogging and doing (his) laundry. And pondering. And swinging back and forth.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008


I take it back.


And I mean no offense to those who enjoy anal sex.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Till Death?

Boy came over after work and we decided to order pizza, pick up some wine and watch TV. I had to stop at the grocery store to grab some bread and other life sustaining items.

While we were there, he decided he needed to buy his own bath soap. Apparently, my body wash is too girly smelling for his tastes. As he was picking out his soap, he asked me if I had done laundry, i.e. did I throw his clothes in there as well. I indicated that I had in fact did his laundry.

"We're so married now. I'm moving in."

Huh. Yeah.

We continued walking up and down the aisles and I'm not sure how it happened, but I asked him if he were to have children, more specifically a son, would that son be named after him. Boy is already the III. Boy's son would be the IV. So I asked him if I were to have his son, could I give him some other middle names.

"Sure, as long as my first, middle and last name appear in there somewhere."

I told him that I wanted my father's name in there, as well as my last name.

"Sure, no problem."

Uh huh.

These kinds of conversations are really weird coming from a guy who is adamant about the fact that WE ARE NOT TOGETHER!

He's such a strange bird.

Friday, November 7, 2008


Do you remember when we were just kids
And cardboard boxes took us miles from what we would miss
Schoolyard conversations taken to heart
And laughter took the place of everything we knew we were not

I wanna break every clock
The hands of time could never move again
We could stay in this moment (stay in this moment)
For the rest of our lives
Is it over now hey, hey, is it over now

I wanna be your last, first kiss
That you'll ever have
I wanna be your last, first kiss

Amazing how life turns out the way that it does
We end up hurting the worst, the only ones we really love

I wanna break every clock
The hands of time could never move again
We could stay in this moment (stay in this moment)
For the rest of our lives
Is it over now hey, hey, is it over now

I wanna be your last, first kiss
That you'll ever have
I wanna be your last, first kiss

Is it over now hey, hey, is it over now
Is it over now hey, hey, it's not over now

I wanna be your last, first kiss
That you'll ever have (that you'll ever have)
I wanna be your last, first love (that you'll ever have)
Till you're lying here beside me with arms and eyes open wide
I wanna be your last, first kiss

For all time

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Because I Like Him

Went for drinks with Boy again and he asked me why I liked him. I couldn't give him a specific answer at that moment. He seemed a little miffed by that.

For me, I can easily identify and itemize things I don't like about a person. But when I like someone, it's just a general fuzzy feeling of goodness.

When I got home, I thought about it and sent him this email.

From: Paprika
To: Boy
Subject: Why I Like You

You are nice.
You are very generous.
You are funny.
You are smart (but mostly a smart ass).
You are a great kisser.
You are a weirdo (in a good way).
You are hairy. :)

So there are some of reasons why I like you. Some of the other reasons are too fuzzy and abstract to pin down and describe in words. But they still add up to me liking you.

I didn't get any response. But I guess it's because I didn't really ask for one in return. That would be too Grade 8 for me. "Do you like me? Circle Yes or No."

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Oh I Don't Know Why

Boy is back. And he's on his best behaviour. He invited me out last week with his housemate to a concert at the Phoenix. Originally he had asked if they could crash at my place, to which I said yes (I'm all about mi casa es su casa). Then it turned into me going out to party with them.

I know, I know. You are all shaking your heads. I was shaking my head too. I figured it would end up with both of them out locked out of my place, with me never to return.

However, I'm happy to say that it didn't end up like that at all. We actually had fun.

Boy paid my way into the show, bought me drinks, made sure I wasn't getting crushed by the mosh pit, and generally being attentive. I was a little hesitant at first as I was certain Boy was going to pull some shiteous behaviour. We were at a club packed with chicks who were ready to rock out to the band, and to rock some lucky guy's world. I was certain some girl would catch his eye and the Douche Bag would reemerge.

I had a huge moment of doubt when Boy announced he was going for a smoke. I thought, "Okay, here is where everything went horribly wrong the last time." However, I was extraordinarily impressed with the fact that he returned within 2 minutes flat. Same with bathroom breaks - 2 minutes tops and he was back at my side. :)

On more than a few occasions, Housemate referred to Boy as my BF. I don't know if he was mocking me because he knows that Boy has no interest in being my official BF, or maybe Housemate knows something I don't. At any rate, I ignored that word as if it has been bleeped out by some cosmic censorship board.

After the show and a pit stop at Pizza Pizza, we headed back to my place. Housemate took a shower while Boy and I hit the sheets. Quiet sex is always hilarious and fun. Afterwards he snuggled his face up to mine and whispered "I'm glad you came out with me tonight." Aww.

The next day Boy came by after work to hang out. We watched a movie, snuggled on the couch and had a very nice and quiet night in. He asked me if it was cool to leave a change of clothes and some personal items there so he could stay over again. Of course! Mi casa es su casa and all that.

And he came back last night. We went out for drinks and eats and then back to my place for, well, you know what for. :)

He left behind another change of clothes...

I am treading with caution, but I've got a little smile on my face.