Thursday, July 31, 2008

Viva Italia

Salt & Pepper picked me up for dinner last night. He got out of the car and gave me a kiss hello. How totally gentleman like. :)

We hit a restaurant in Little Italy called Vivoli. Got ourselves a patio seat and the conversation started going and never stopped.

Everything about talking to S&P was easy. We laughed, we debated, we observed and did I mention that we laughed? He even noticed my pretty pink shoes! I mean come on, what guy ever notices a girl's shoes unless that's the only thing she's wearing? Exactly. I like his attention to detail.

We shared mussels and pizza and a few drinks. Total time at dinner was just over 2 hours. It didn't feel that long at all. He suggested we go for a walk. Alright!

We hit the sidewalk and he put his arm around my shoulder. My arm slipped in around his waist. Usually I have a really hard time keeping pace with taller men, but I didn't have this difficulty. I wonder if he was taking smaller steps just for me?

Talking, walking, touching, laughing...

Eventually we got to the Orbit Room, where the LMT Connection was playing. I used to go to the Orbit Room every Wednesday to see this band. They are absolutely amazing. Funny, now that I think about it, I don't really know why I ever stopped going. I mentioned this to S&P and he suggested we go on up and check 'em out.

We stayed for two sets. Lots of hand holding and nuzzling on two stools in the back of the bar. He kissed my neck and my shoulders. I danced and shimmied close to him. I was having a hard time making eye contact. I suddenly became very self conscious. He put his arm around my waist at one point. So I sucked in my stomach as much as I could. And I stayed like that until we left the bar.

He drove me home and when we pulled up to my building, he parked the car and turned off the engine. Then we made out. Hehehe. And it took him about 3 seconds to grab my boob. I totally felt like I was in Grade 8. After about 10 minutes, I pulled away and said goodnight. I told him to call me. He told me he'd be in St. Louis next week so he would call me when he got back. Then he paused, and said that maybe he'd call me from St. Louis. Aww!

I'm pretty sure the next time we get together, he's going to want to sleep with me. (Who wouldn't?! Oh right, Butterfly. Blah.) I've decided I'm going to make S&P wait at least a month.

A friend of mine called me before my date and told me not to lose it. "What?" I asked, "My virginity?" "Exactly" she said. So we'll see if S&P only wants me for what's in my pants. I kinda have a feeling that once he sleeps with me, he'll disappear. But really, what else is new?

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Girl Interrupted

Last night with Butterfly was wonderful, as our time together usually is. There was a lot of hand holding, snuggling and downright making out. It was so nice and sweet and romantic.

However I noticed he constantly interrupts me when I talk. I can hardly ever finish a whole sentence, never mind shape my sentences into a complete thought. Then I lose my train of thought and end up sitting there with my mouth slightly gaping and unable to say anything at all.

And there are so many many things I want to say to him. I want to tell him that he doesn't have to be afraid. I want to tell him that I want to spend most of my nights in his arms. I want to tell him that I'm deeply smitten with him. I want to tell him that he really does give me butterflies. I want to tell him how incredibly turned on I am by him. I want to tell him that I dream about us being together. I want to tell him that he makes me want to sing sappy love songs.

But I am just so scared to share my feelings with him again. The last time I asked him what was going on, he freaked out and didn't talk to me for a month. This is a very difficult exercise in restraint. I am the type of person who just splatters everything out there for everyone to see and feel. Butterfly is the exact opposite, and I just don't know how to get past his very carefully constructed walls to get to how he's feeling about things.

The only thing I have to go on are his actions. And they aren't looking very good at all. He didn't ask me to stay over. He didn't make any plans with me for another date. He didn't even text me to see if I got home okay. For all he knows, I could have been shoved off the subway platform by the crazy guy who was looking for a fight. It's true! There was a crazy shirtless guy, yelling and swinging his fists. We saw him come up from the platform just as we were walking up to the station.

And I'm going on a date with Salt & Pepper tonight. At this point, I'm really feeling like whoever makes me feel wanted wins. I have been warned that S&P is a player, but right now, I think I'm just looking for a warm body.

All of this really reinforces why I called this blog "once more, maybe". Maybe I'm just fucking sick of all the nonsense that comes with men. My boyfriend pillow does NOT give me these kinds of headaches.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Pass the Salt

It's really hard for me to sit on my hands and wait for another person, especially a man, to do what they said they would do.

Really. Really. HARD.

Salt & Pepper said he would call me. That was 5 days ago. It's been driving me nuts.

Butterfly said he would talk to me soon. That was 6 days ago. And guess what? That too has been driving me nuts.

I don't know what it is about men, but apparently they've inherited a defective gene when it comes to communication.

These 5 and 6 days have been excruciating. I have to do everything in my power to keep myself from picking up the phone and calling these clowns.

For seriously, it's NOT THAT DIFFICULT! I know this is an age old difference between the sexes but COME ON! Would it kill either one of them to call me just to say hi? And I really do mean a maximum 2 minute phone call JUST TO SEE IF I'M STILL BREATHING. Given my crazy appendectomy, it's entirely possible that something could have happened to me over the course of 5/6 days.

I don't want to sound like I'm being needy or clinging or desperate, because I'M NOT. I just would like the guys who stick their tongues down my throat to use their tongues for something else, like actually TALKING to me! Shocking!

Salt & Pepper was the first to break the silence. He called me about an hour ago. We now have plans to see each other Wednesday night for drinks.

Butterfly has yet to dial my digits. We had made plans ages ago to watch a movie on Tuesday. I suppose I'll get an email confirmation tomorrow. But still NO TALKING!


Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Salt & Pepper

I went to two parties this past Saturday with Butterfly. First party was in town for my friend's 30th birthday. Second party was out in Pickering at a friend of Butterfly. Faux Beau was also supposed to be there, but never ended up coming out.

At the first party, Butterfly was being affectionate by holding my hand and giving me kisses. It was very obvious to everyone there that we were *together*. We mingled and talked with the other guests, one of them being a very cute friend of the birthday girl. He had salt & pepper hair with blue eyes. I tried very hard not to outright drool in front of Butterfly.

We said our goodbyes and left for the house party in Pickering. I drove as Butterfly doesn't have a car. As we were arriving, Butterfly mentioned that his brother and sister-in-law may be at the party.

Right he was! The first person we ran into was his sister-in-law. She was giving me looks up and down which I interpreted as "Who's this girl you are holding hands with that I've never heard of before?" When we ran into his brother, the same looks registered on his face. At one point Butterfly even mentioned that now I'd met family. Oooh, scary. :P

For the entire evening, Butterfly was being attentive and affectionate in front of everyone - and that felt so very good. I was impressed that he wasn't trying to hide that from anyone, especially from his brother.

We left the party around 2:00am and I drove us back to the city in the pouring rain. When we pulled up to Butterfly's house, he made out with me quite passionately for a few minutes and then said goodbye and he'd talk to me soon. He got out of the car without so much as a backwards glance.

That's it? It was dark and rainy and I was tired and that didn't warrant an invite to stay the night?! WTF?! He's supposed to be MAKING an EFFORT! He's supposed to be SHOWING me how he's CHANGED!

I cried all the way home. He really hurt my feelings. I know he told me before that he's not in the right "head space" to have sleepovers but for fuck's sake, IT WAS POURING RAIN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT! A real gentleman would have insisted I spend the night. Spending the night doesn't always have to result in sex. Geez.

So when I got home, I did what any girl with hurt feelings would do. I flipped on my computer and immediately searched for Mr. Salt & Pepper through my friend's Facebook friends list. And I found him. And I put in a friend request. And he confirmed. And then I asked him out. And he said yes.

We went out last night for drinks at a pub in my neighbourhood. I got there about 9pm and we stayed until 1:30am. We drank, we talked, he laughed at all my jokes. We never ran out of things to talk about. He kept mentioning that I am cute, and that I'm pretty hilarious. He touched my hands and my arm more than once.

He drove me home and I gave him a quick kiss goodnight. I told him to call me. He said he would.

And the waiting game begins....

Monday, July 21, 2008

Soon Unabridged (v 1.1)
/sun/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation [soon]
–adverb, -er, -est.
1. within a short period after this or that time, event, etc.: We shall know soon after he calls.
2. before long; in the near future; at an early date: Let's leave soon.
3. promptly or quickly: He came as soon as he could.
4. readily or willingly: I would as soon walk as ride.
5. early in a period of time; before the time specified is much advanced: soon at night; soon in the evening.
6. Obsolete. immediately; at once; forthwith. —Idioms
7. sooner or later, eventually: Sooner or later his luck will run out.
8. would sooner, to prefer to: I would sooner not go to their party.

DT's Definition
Within 48 hours.

My Definition
Right bloody now.

I have a really hard time with this word. I think soon happens faster than later. So if someone says "talk soon", I would expect that to happen within a day. If someone says "talk to you later", I don't expect anything for at least a couple days.

Soon sounds so much closer than later.

Butterfly said he'd talk to me soon. Yeah. He meant later.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Flutter Revisited

My Butterfly came back. Again. Sort of.

After the crap that happened in June, I didn't think I'd ever hear from him again. Actually, I was certain I'd never hear from him again.

Good thing I ain't a betting woman, cuz I'd have lost on this one. He sent me an email on July 3rd, my first day back at work after my sick leave. It had the following subject line. Brackets are his, not mine.

(How do you spell the sound of a big, deep, heavy breath being expelled...?)

There I was, back at my desk after having missed a month of work, trying to sift through the disaster that was left for me, and that JERK had the nerve to write to me at 9AM on my FIRST DAY BACK. I was already OVERWHELMED. I didn't need that. What I needed was some clarity and focus.

Since my appendectomy, I've had what I like to call surgery-brain. My short term memory has been reduced to that of a gnat. I knew it was going to be difficult to maintain focus when I got back to the office. But then he had to go and blow that all to hell with an email.

And what an email it was. It was 1262 words (I counted) of remorse, rambling, explanations, sorrow, hurt, confusion and more remorse. It explained everything, yet nothing really. It was romantic and self loathing. It was shameful and arrogant. It was all things conflicted. But that is the nature of my Butterfly.

In all those words, the most important ones happened at the end.

I missed you.
I'm sorry.

And those are the words that sent me into a crying jag that ran me into the women's bathroom for 10 minutes. ON MY FIRST DAY BACK! The last time I was holed up in the loo was over a year ago, when my marriage was falling to pieces.

I called my DT to ask her opinion. She told me to send a Thanks-but-NO-thanks-have-a-nice-Life type email. I knew that was the right thing to do. I knew that if I forgave him, I'd be getting on the crazy train once more. I begged her to tell me what to say. She dictated, I typed verbatim. Click. Send. Done.

I received his response, "Is this goodbye then...?"

What do you think?

Of course not.

My smashed-to-smithereens heart said otherwise. I wrote him back. I wrote him all of the things I'd been holding in and squashing down over the last month. HOW dare he NOT visit me in the hospital? HOW dare he NOT call me before he left on his trip? HOW dare he slither back NOW? CAN'T he see how much I CARE about him?

I miss you too.

He asked me out for drinks the following evening. We spent 3 hours on a patio together. We spent the first 2 of those hours chit-chatting and catching up. "How was your trip?" "Great!" "How are you feeling?" "Much better now that the incisions are all healed up."

Blah, blah, blaaaaah.

I was staring him down for most of that conversation. I could see a combination of fear, shame and remorse in his eyes. I finally asked him "Are you actually going to talk to me?"

He looked at me and his whole face changed. He looked like he was going to cry. And then he started a 20 minute monologue that revisited the 1262 words he'd sent me the day before.

He was actually sorry. I could see it.

That's one thing I'd never seen in a man who has ever bothered to apologize. Most of them don't. They just slink away never to be heard from again. My ex-husband was always saying sorry. But he never meant it. I knew just by looking in his eyes that he was full of shit. And I would call him on it too, which would infuriate him. Truth hurts eh.

Butterfly wasn't full of shit. He was actually full of sorrow and regret. And that's when I decided to give him another chance.

I'm happy to say he's been making an effort. He has emailed me numerous times faithfully each and every day. We have seen each other about once a week (he wants to take things really sloooooow) and we are making plans that extend at least 2 weeks into the future.

I have hope in my heart. Which in itself, is already a wonderful gift. Hope is something I thought would be lost forever.

Let's see if this Butterfly can spread his wings and fly to me.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Pillow Love

I bought the Boyfriend Pillow. The sale price was unbelievable. Only $5 to make all my dreams come true. I wonder if my cat will love and appreciate my new man?

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Boyfriend Pillow

There's a sidewalk sale going on in the underground mall across the street from my office. So on my lunch, I went down there with a friend and we perused the sale merchandise. A lot of it was still overpriced, even with the mark down.

My friend had to get back to the office, but I stayed behind to try on some pants (too small, damn). As I was walking back, there was a table set up for Fabricland. Most of the sale items were linens and bedding. And one other item - a boyfriend pillow.

It's headless with half a chest and a left arm. Here's a couple versions I found on the net. The one I saw had a white shirt.

For a moment, I actually considered buying it. That made me pretty sad as the truth is I do sleep better when I'm snuggled up against a warm body. It's been quite a while since I've had a man in my bed.

I doubt there is a girlfriend pillow on the market. Men don't need anything except a flat surface to be able to sleep. Scratch that, I just googled it and there is a girlfriend pillow. However, it's not what you'd think. Go google it yourself and see what pops up. All I can say is typical. :P

Maybe I should go back and buy it. I want a man to snuggle up with, but I don't want all the bullshit that comes with having a man in my life. Hmm.... And it is on sale....

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Tripping Into Singlehood

My divorce got finalized yesterday, and with that I finished my blog "Death of a Marriage". I thought it would be appropriate to start a new blog, seeing as I'm starting my new life as a happy, healthy, single gal.

I was walking to the subway this morning with a smile on my face and a spring in my step. I was thinking to myself, "I'm single! I'm free! I'm awesome!"

Then I tripped.

The noise of my foot slamming on the pavement to keep myself from biting the sidewalk was so loud that a guy walking about 30 feet in front of me whipped his head around to see what the hell was going on.

I made eye contact with him and then I just started laughing and laughing. My laughter is all squeaky because I'm still recovering from laryngitis.

And that my friends, is my grand entrance back into single life - so very typically awkward me!