Sunday, May 31, 2009


I had a bizarre dream last night.

I was on a cruise ship with my family and friends, on our way to Cuba. There was a lot of walking around trying to find people and figuring out what was happening.

I met up with my brothers in a state room on the boat and we were talking about potentially taking a new apartment together. I told them we had to make a decision as it was the last day in the month and we'd all have to give notice to our respective landlords. There was a lot of talking back and forth about the subject and at one point, I excused myself because I had to go to the bathroom.

I walked around the ship looking for a bathroom and I kept getting stopped by people I knew and totally forgetting I had to go pee. At one point, someone asked me when I was due. I was extremely puzzled by the question. I looked down and suddenly realized that I was about 8 months pregnant. Even after seeing my pregnant belly, I still didn't feel like I was carrying a child.

I looked out one of the windows and realized we'd arrived at the port in Cuba. I left the ship for a fun day on the island.

I still had to go to the bathroom so I started walking towards a park where I thought I saw a restroom area. I was wearing a long, tan trench coat and realized I was feeling very warm so I took it off.

I got into one of the stalls in the restroom, shut the door, and hung my trench coat on the hook. I looked down and saw how truly pregnant I was. I was wearing a pretty white summer dress. In that moment, I finally felt the baby. It felt like it took up space in my whole body, not just in my belly.

All of a sudden, I realized why I felt like I had to pee. It was actually that I was in labour. I felt the baby moving out of my body. I looked down and saw the baby's head. I thought, "Okay, I'd better catch my baby!"

The delivery took all of 30 seconds. I had the baby in my arms and was waiting for it to cry. Nothing. So I wiped the face and eyes and dug my fingers into its mouth.

Still nothing.

The baby was starting to turn blue and I started to freak out. I smacked its bum and rubbed its chest to try to get the breathing going.

Then the baby opened its eyes and looked at me with panic. Then its face started to scrunch up like it was about to cry.

Still nothing.

I dug my fingers into its mouth again, trying to clear the passage way. Its tongue came out and it was still looking at me with panic.

I remember thinking the baby looks just like me. Thick black hair, brown eyes and an olive complexion.

And then all of a sudden the baby started to wail.

Relief washed over me.

I remember thinking it must be a girl because of the resemblance. I did a quick check and yes, it was a girl!

Things get a little fuzzy at this point but the next thing I remember is being back on the ship with everyone congratulating me.

Someone asked me where little Soldier was. I responded that she was sleeping in my room. I asked the person to please refer to her by her given name.

"But Soldier fits her perfectly."

I smiled. Yes it did. She was my little Solider.

And then I woke up.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009


Yes, I am.

Trying to keep in perspective. But it's hard.

Because I'm sad.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Yeah, No Kidding

"I don't like being single, no. I live this fantastic life, full of all these magical things, and at the end of the day all I want to do is pick up my phone and share it with someone. The other day I'd sold a million records in the U.S. and I didn't have anyone to tell. It was actually a really lonely moment."

- Singer Katy Perry, tells the new issue of British Cosmo

Sunday, May 24, 2009

True Blue

I went out with my best girlfriends Blondie & Jelly to karaoke last night, where a blue-haired, tattooed, 19 year old boy decided he loved me.

We'd seen this guy a few months ago when we were at the same bar. It was his birthday that night so being the nice girl I am, I wished him a happy one. Perhaps that laid the groundwork for the decision that we were meant to be together.

He came over to our table after I'd finished singing and said hello and gave me a big hug. Cute. He mentioned he was there alone, so again, being the nice girl I am, invited him to sit with us.

From that point on, he was determined to get me to agree to go out with him.

I have to admit, it certainly was flattering. If he'd been 10 years older, I probably would have agreed. But the fact of the matter is that I'm old enough to be his mother. For seriously.

At one point, while I was in the ladies room, he appealed to my girls for advice. He wanted to know if he had a shot with me. Unequivocally, they both said NO. But that didn't stop him!

He asked me to add him to Facebook. I said sure. He asked me for my phone number. I said sure to that too. I didn't want to break his little heart any more than we already had. We literally laughed in his face when he said he was a very mature 19 year old and that he could certainly provide me with what I would need in a relationship. This was after he asked me what it was that I needed in a relationship. (Answer: A man who is strong enough to be my partner.) Oh, and he asked me for my favourite colour. (Answer: Red.)

When I awoke from my drunken coma this afternoon (thank you 2 Jim Beams & 3 Cosmos), I checked my Facebook and there was his friend request. So I accepted it as promised. And soon after I received an email from him with the subject line "Please read". So I did.

hey.. ok well here it is.. i thought bout our chat and some other things.. unno maybe your right and maybe im right i dont know.. either way i had fun.. you and the girls were awesome keep up the singing.. but i guess i am just not what you need around you. this is not a cop out. i am jsut gonna be the smart one and back off while its nothing still.. your pretty kik azz and i had fun getting to know you.. if you ever need anything or wish to chat well you know where i am.. have a great life.. see you on the flip side... Peace

I'm not really sure what he means about seeing me on the flip side. Last time I checked, I wasn't going to die anytime soon. Maybe his blue hair tells him things about the future....

I noticed that he had removed me as a friend, as when I was about to write back, FB warned me this would allow him to see my profile. Geez, that was the shortest FB relationship I've ever had.

At any rate, this is more evidence as to why I'm destined to be alone. I certainly don't want to be a cradle robber, or be with someone who admittedly has multiple personality disorder (his words, not mine). And I really do want someone who's not only strong enough to be with me, but who has a command of spelling and grammar.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Waves of Rejection

It seems my ability to repel men extends to the waters of the Caribbean.

I went on a cruise with the New Kids on the Block. They advertised it as the once in a lifetime chance to hang with the guys I've been chasing for the last 20 years.

Now don't get me wrong, I never thought for one moment that I'd get more than 30 seconds with any of them. I went into it thinking if I happen to run into them around the ship, then cool. If I didn't, that would be fine as well.

Turns out that I did run into them randomly, on more than one occasion. The one I ran into most was Joey, who happens to be my favourite.

And that motherfucker broke my heart.

All I wanted was a picture of me with him. I ran into him randomly 3 times and each time I asked him (very politely I might add), he said NO. His reasoning? If he did it for me, he'd have to do it for everyone else.


After the third denial, I just threw myself at him and gave him a hug anyway. I felt like a rapist because I didn't ask permission, I just took it. I was so upset I actually went back to my room to cry. He stabbed my 34 year old heart and killed my 14 year old soul at the same time.

I'm sitting here crying just thinking about this again. I spent about $2000 on this trip and I got pretty much nothing to show for it. A stolen moment with someone I've loved with all my heart for 20 years.

There were other girls who were all waaaaaaaay hotter than me who got the opportunity for photos and autographs because they dressed like sluts and acted like total bitches. I spoke to a lot of other girls who were all feeling the same thing, "What's wrong with me?"

The cruise did nothing for my self confidence. I did not once walk around the boat in my swim suit. I was too ashamed around all the beautiful people. I usually don't care what I look like in a bikini but man, I was surrounded by 2,000 women, most of whom looked like they fell out of a fashion magazine.

At any rate, there was one small moment of awesome, in the form of my very cute waiter. His name was Sasa (pronounced Sasha) and he was from Bosnia, complete with the accent. He was tall, blonde and blue eyed. My usual suspect. :)

The first night that my roomie and I went to the formal dining room, I didn't even notice that we had a preassigned table. We just wanted to sit by a window and watch the water wave on by. The only window seat available was in Sasa's section.

It was love at first appetizer.

The second night I was wearing a little black dress with a ton of clevage, because we were supposed to dress up. The tour organizers made up these retarded theme nights on the boat. The first night was a PJ Party, the second night was Dress to Impress, and the third night was a White Party. At any rate, I was looking pretty smokin' if I do say so myself. And I think Sasa noticed because he was particularly chatty that evening.

On the final night, two friends joined my roomie and me for dinner. We'd met these amazingly awesome girls at karaoke on the first night. They were both tall, gorgeous and super nice so we all became buds. One was from St. Louis and the other from Beverly Hills.

The three girls were decked out in white while I rebelled and wore black again. It also happened to be BH's birthday that night, so she looked extra gorgeous in a beautiful white dress. So while everyone was placing their order, I managed to catch Sasa's eye and mouthed "It's her birthday". He winked and nodded.

Between dinner and dessert, Sasa came over and leaned in to whisper in my ear.

Now if I may digress for a moment... I cannot find the words to accurately describe the thrill of having a man that close to me. The way he leaned in, his arm touching my shoulder. The way he smelled. The feeling of his breath on my cheek. Yes folks, it's been *that* long.

So the reason he was leaning in (and unknowingly giving me an orgasm) was because he needed to know BH's name for the cake and off-key singing. I told him her name, and he said "What?" rather loudly. This got the rest of the table's attention. BH does have an unusual name, but seriously, who's he to judge SASA?! So I repeated her name. Everyone heard me say her name. Then he said, "See you at 1am". I giggled and he left.

The girls all automatically assumed that Sasa was interested in BH, was using me to gather information about her, and arranging a rendez-vous after his shift.

And honestly, I would have made that assumption too. She's tall, tanned, toned and drop dead gorgeous. I, on the other hand, am resembling a white potato more and more with each passing day.

So the surprise of BH's birthday cake and off-key singing had even more of an impact. None of them at the table had any clue that I had set it up in plain sight.

Afterwards, we all headed to the upper deck for the White Party. I kept my eyes peeled for Sasa while the girls kept their eyes locked on NKOTB partying in their isolated VIP area.

About half an hour later, my roomie finally put two and two together. "It was YOU he wanted to meet tonight."

Yup, potato-y me.

Needless to say, I never found him that night. It's too bad too cuz I would have fucked the accent right out of him.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Latin Lovers

Tonight I met a super hot guy from Mexico. He's in town for the Hot Docs festival, at which I am a theatre rep and he, a loyal volunteer. He's a documentary film making student and is here strictly because of his passion for his craft.

I afforded him all sorts of privileges that are usually reserved for paid staff such as myself, strictly based on his hotness. It's true what they say, pretty people get all the perks. I couldn't help myself. I was going to do anything to ingratiate myself to him, in the hopes he'd talk to me with his beautifully accented voice.

After the shift was over and Señor Hottie went home, I mentioned the hotness factor to my co-rep who happens to be a bodacious, blonde, Brazilian babe. She had noted that I was making googly eyes most of the night. I asked her what she thought about him. She agreed he was cute. Then the conversation drifted to my perma-single status and I asked her if she had a boyfriend or a husband. She said she had a girlfriend to whom she is engaged.

Huh-zaaaaa! I had no clue she is a lesbian! Her status is on Facebook, and clear that she is engaged to a woman. She even asked me why I hadn't noticed that on FB. Honestly, I'm only interested in guys' statuses (I finally figured out the proper plural of status) to see if they are single.

She's totally not your stereotypical lezbot. And neither is her fiancée. These girls are super hot babes with zero masculine tendencies.

It's funny that I was just thinking to myself tonight that guys have way more selection for hotties, whether they are straight or gay. The reason I was thinking this is because part of my duties as a rep involve a lot of people watching. And as people come in and out of my theatre, I've noticed that there are way more hot gay men then there are hot lesbian women.

Every lesbian I've ever met has been an Ugh-Oh-Good-God-NO! Every gay man I've ever met (aside from one ghastly disaster) has been super hot, super stylish and super awesome, making me want to have a sex change so I can hook up with these nicely manicured men.

Any any rate, my co-rep got to go home to her hot woman. And I went home sans Señor Hottie, or any señor for that matter.

Saturday, May 2, 2009


I got a call today from a friend of mine to let me know that a friend of hers wants to ask me out on a date.

I pinched myself to make sure I wasn't dreaming because this *never* happens.

Turns out about a year ago, I was over at her place when the dude came by to visit. And apparently, he hasn't stopped thinking about me since. He somehow convinced himself that I was married, and therefore, not available.

He was chatting with my friend the other day and somehow I came up in the conversation. It was then confirmed that I am in fact single. So he asked my friend for my number. She told him she'd ask.

I was embarrassed to tell her that I did not remember this dude at all. Aside from the fact that he is male, I had zero recollection of him. However, he has me burned in his brain forever according to her. He said I was "smoking hot" and had a "wicked singing voice".

So would I consider going out with this guy who apparently adores me? Of course. However, it turns out that he is a smoker. And unfortunately, that's one of my deal breakers. I told my friend to tell him thanks but no thanks. My ex husband was a smoker (along with being an abusive bastard, but I digress) and I will never go down that path again, no matter how nice the guy is.

She called up the dude and sadly informed him of my answer. His reaction? "For Paprika, I'll quit."

Totally cute and very flattering of him, but it ain't gonna happen. I told my friend to let him know he can ask me out again when he's been smoke free for at least a year. And I can bet my bottom dollar that will *never* happen. My ex husband wouldn't quit for me, and I'm certain this dude won't either.

Oh well, it was nice while it lasted.