Vicarious

My DT is happy. She has a boyfriend that she really likes. And who really likes her and makes her feel good.

I'm very happy that she's very happy.

At the same time I want to slit my throat.

DT knows this is how I'm feeling, and is reluctant to gush about her BF. But I want her to! Right now, the only happiness I'm getting is vicariously through my friends.

It's a strange dichotomy. As happy as I am for my friends, I'm miserable about myself.

I know self-loathing gets you nowhere (except maybe a trip to the mental ward of the hospital), but it's how I'm feeling.

I suppose it should give me hope. Love is happening all around me. So why can't I have it too?

Yeah. That's the question I've been asking my whole adult life. WHY CAN'T I HAVE IT TOO?

Throat. Slit. Ooze. Squish.