Inertia

I spent most of yesterday asleep on my couch. I got a phone call from The Mechanic at one point in the afternoon (?) asking me when he should come by to put the tire he fixed back on to my car. "Whenever is good for you, you're the one doing me the favour."

I spent most of today catching up on All My Children and Lipstick Jungle. (I love this show, why do they have to cancel awesome programs?) Around every three episodes, I'd pass out on the couch. I got another phone call from The Mechanic, he would be coming in the afternoon.

I managed to peel myself off the couch long enough to take a shower and brush my teeth.

He buzzed around 3pm, I went downstairs and let him into the parking garage.

He made small talk. I could barely concentrate enough to respond.

He asked me what I was doing for the rest of the day. Napping and watching the rest of my Lipstick Jungle episodes.

He finished with the tire and then topped up my windshield wiper fluid. (Windshield washer fluid?)

I walked him out of the parking garage and thanked him for the tremendous favour he had done. He hugged me and kissed my cheek.

"Merry Christmas."

"Drive safe."

I came back upstairs, changed into my PJs and passed out cold on the couch again.

I just cannot understand why I'm not attracted to him. He's cute, he's extraordinarily nice to me, and is in a place in his life where he wants to settle down and have a family. All of the things I've been looking for, and praying for.

All I know is when I look at The Mechanic I can't imagine ever kissing him, never mind ever having sex with him.

And I really really wanted there to be something. Anything. Any little glimmer of a tiny little speck of something.

But I know I can't force it. My therapist has told me this over and over. I'm the type of person that if there isn't a spark to start, it just won't ever happen. And it sadly looks like this is the case.

Chemistry is the key. And hopefully, I'll know when he comes along.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n4MAxEpjUjo