Girl Interrupted

Last night with Butterfly was wonderful, as our time together usually is. There was a lot of hand holding, snuggling and downright making out. It was so nice and sweet and romantic.

However I noticed he constantly interrupts me when I talk. I can hardly ever finish a whole sentence, never mind shape my sentences into a complete thought. Then I lose my train of thought and end up sitting there with my mouth slightly gaping and unable to say anything at all.

And there are so many many things I want to say to him. I want to tell him that he doesn't have to be afraid. I want to tell him that I want to spend most of my nights in his arms. I want to tell him that I'm deeply smitten with him. I want to tell him that he really does give me butterflies. I want to tell him how incredibly turned on I am by him. I want to tell him that I dream about us being together. I want to tell him that he makes me want to sing sappy love songs.

But I am just so scared to share my feelings with him again. The last time I asked him what was going on, he freaked out and didn't talk to me for a month. This is a very difficult exercise in restraint. I am the type of person who just splatters everything out there for everyone to see and feel. Butterfly is the exact opposite, and I just don't know how to get past his very carefully constructed walls to get to how he's feeling about things.

The only thing I have to go on are his actions. And they aren't looking very good at all. He didn't ask me to stay over. He didn't make any plans with me for another date. He didn't even text me to see if I got home okay. For all he knows, I could have been shoved off the subway platform by the crazy guy who was looking for a fight. It's true! There was a crazy shirtless guy, yelling and swinging his fists. We saw him come up from the platform just as we were walking up to the station.

And I'm going on a date with Salt & Pepper tonight. At this point, I'm really feeling like whoever makes me feel wanted wins. I have been warned that S&P is a player, but right now, I think I'm just looking for a warm body.

All of this really reinforces why I called this blog "once more, maybe". Maybe I'm just fucking sick of all the nonsense that comes with men. My boyfriend pillow does NOT give me these kinds of headaches.