Role Playing

From "Run To You"
Music & Lyrics by Whitney Houston

Each day, each day I play the role
Of someone
Always in control

But at night I come home and turn the key
There's nobody there, no one cares for me

What's the sense of trying hard to find your dreams
Without someone to share it with
Tell me what this means?

Maybe Not

I saw my therapist today and about 3 minutes into my session, I started bawling. I have a huge hole in my heart that seems to only be filled by family.

I made a decision when I was 28 about finding a sperm donor to start my own family. All of my friends balked at the idea. Everyone kept saying, "Oh just wait! You have plenty of time to find a husband and start a family." Yeah I did end up finding a crazy psycho husband, and subsequently got divorced. And now 5 years later, I'm back to square one.

I restarted my search and have found a donor. Come hell or high water, I will be pregnant in 2010.

I really wanted my children's father to be known to them and a permanent part of their life. But at the rate things are going in my life, it doesn't look like that is how things will play out.

I'm exhausted. I'm really tired of looking. And I'm especially tired of putting out a huge effort and not getting anything in return.

I never wrote Butterfly back after his last email. I haven't called S&P since our Kazakhstan summit. And neither of them have noticed that I've just disappeared.

I think I'm done. I don't know if it's forever, but it's definitely over for right now.

Kazakhstan

Salt & Pepper met up with me for sushi dinner last night. This was our first date since he got back from his business trip to St. Louis.

As on our last two dates, the conversation was fun and funny. I really like talking to him. And he always laughs at my jokes. He thinks I'm freaking hilarious!

We had a really good conversation rolling when all of a sudden it takes a huge turn and hits a wall. He told me he had an epiphany in that he hates his job and wants to make a change. So he's starting the process to secure a contract job in Kazakhstan.

K.a.z.a.k.h.s.t.a.n.

It took me more than a few moments to really register where the hell Kazakhstan is. In case you don't have your world map handy, that's near and around Russia.

Apparently his house mate's sister has a project management contract at this company in Kazakhstan which pays a ridiculous amount of money and she works alternating months. So one month she's working her tail off, and the month off she spends travelling around.

My heart dropped into my stomach and my brain started to scream. OF COURSE the only decent guy who is showing me a slight interest is going to run away. To Russia. OF COURSE!

I put on my best smiley face and told him to go for it. So we spent the rest of the night playing the fun game of "I wonder if they have (insert item name here) in Kazakhstan?"

Is it really too much to ask to have a guy land in my life that is kind, nice, attractive (to me of course) and who is going to STAY on the CONTINENT?! I'm starting to wonder if it is too much to ask for...

Fix Up Central

Currently I have 4 different friends all working to find me Mr. Right. I feel like I should open up a headquarters for them to pool their efforts and so they can keep each other from jumping out a window once the realization sets in that this task is virtually impossible.

They say it takes a village to raise a child. In my case, I think it's going to take not only a village, but a whole damned continent to find me one good man.

Or I could just buy this book: http://www.findahusbandafter35.com/ and save everyone the trouble. Apparently the book REALLY WORKS!

Yeah, because if it were *that* easy, the author would have put everyone else out of business.

Vicarious

My DT is happy. She has a boyfriend that she really likes. And who really likes her and makes her feel good.

I'm very happy that she's very happy.

At the same time I want to slit my throat.

DT knows this is how I'm feeling, and is reluctant to gush about her BF. But I want her to! Right now, the only happiness I'm getting is vicariously through my friends.

It's a strange dichotomy. As happy as I am for my friends, I'm miserable about myself.

I know self-loathing gets you nowhere (except maybe a trip to the mental ward of the hospital), but it's how I'm feeling.

I suppose it should give me hope. Love is happening all around me. So why can't I have it too?

Yeah. That's the question I've been asking my whole adult life. WHY CAN'T I HAVE IT TOO?

Throat. Slit. Ooze. Squish.

Melancholy

"What If I Stay"
Music & Lyrics by Melanie C

Calling all my senses
I can't see or taste or feel you anymore
And every day I'm calling on my inner strength
To fight for something once worth fighting for

Maybe it's life in the real world?
Maybe it's all been my fault?

What if I go?
What if I leave?
What if I show you how you're breaking me?
And I know, whatever I say I'll still be thinking
What if I stay?

Staring at the stars
I make a wish that I could travel back in time
I lie awake just looking at your face
And I remember how you used to look at mine

Maybe it's life in the real world?
Maybe it's all been your fault?

What if I go?
What if I leave?
What if I show you how you're breaking me?
And I know, whatever I say I'll still be thinking
What if I stay?

What if I'm sorry?
What if I love you?

Summer Hours

Every Friday between Canada Day and Labour Day, we are allowed to leave the office at 3pm.

One of the directors in my department was just leaving his office and stopped by my desk to wish me a nice weekend. He asked me why I hadn't left yet.

"I don't have anyone to get home to."

He made a sad pouty face and then wished me a good afternoon.

I feel like I'm about to cry.

Really, I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I'm just feeling sad, sad, sad.

Flatline Redux

How lame can one person possibly be?

Since Butterfly sent me the lame text last week blowing me off for sleep instead, I've heard NOTHING. AGAIN.

I guess I should be asking how stupid can I possibly be? The answer is easy - REEEEEAAAALLLLY STUPID. I'm an honest-to-goodness S.U.C.K.E.R.

I've been stalking his Facebook profile and he seems to be doing more than just sleeping at home. He's out and about, taking pictures, seeing friends, having dinners, dancing, and pretty much EVERYTHING BUT SLEEP. One of his latest status updates was "Butterfly never gets enough sleep".

It's so painfully obvious to me that I come dead last on his list. He'd rather sleep than see me. He'd rather be somewhat dead than see me. He'd rather do ANYTHING than see me.

It hurts. My feelings are hurt AGAIN. I'm upset AGAIN. I am complaining about this AGAIN.

Some lessons are learned the long-way-around-about-painful way.

But I've learned it this time. For real. I don't care if he comes back in a month begging for forgiveness, which given his previous pattern of behaviour, it's inevitable that he will.

He got one chance, and one chance only to MAKE AN EFFORT. His effort was lame. Not good enough anymore.

(How do you spell the sound of a big, deep, heavy breath being expelled...?)

Blind Battiness

My friend set me up on a blind date with a bat professor.

Yup. Professor of bats. PhD and all that.

I knew there would be some awkwardness but wow, that was probably one of the stiffest dates I've ever had. I don't know if he was nervous - I was, only because I didn't know what I would talk to him about and not sound like a complete bubblegum airhead.

At one point, I felt like I was on a date with one of my science profs, which isn't really surprising seeing as he IS a professor. Then later I felt like I was on a date with my Dad. And that's when I decided there would be no second date. Too bad cuz he asked me to go to a Bills game next week. There's nothing I love more than sweaty men wearing tights, grunting and smashing into each other.

I know within 90 seconds whether or not I will ever sleep with a guy I just met. Even if the context of meeting him is just as friends, I still *know*. I know which of my male friends I would sleep with if they ever became available or ever showed any sexual interest in me. I know which of my male friends I would never sleep with, even if they were the last guys on earth. Don't get me wrong, I love them and think they are wonderful people, they just don't turn my crank is all.

I knew within 10 seconds with Professor Bat. Sometimes I'll go out with a guy 2 or 3 times just to see if any chemistry will develop and the answer is always a resounding NO. My therapist told me to trust this. For me, chemistry is an instant process, not one that develops with time and repeated exposure.

I guess this just means I'm one step closer to finding the right guy. Or one step further from my sanity. I don't know if I can do blind dates anymore. It's just too nerve wracking.

Imaginary Bitches

http://www.imaginarybitches.com

I think if I am left to my own devices much longer, I'll end up like Eden.

Pressing

I slept in until 3:30pm yesterday. Then I laid on the couch and watched 7 episodes of "All My Children" and 3 episodes of "Big Brother 10".

I ate 6 slices of prosciutto, 7 slices of low fat provolone cheese, an Aero bar and a Kit Kat bar.

I think I'm getting depressed again.

This weekend has been almost a total write-off. I should have been in Fort Erie hanging with my Dad and my best friends. Instead I holed myself up in my apartment, alternating between crying and sleeping.

It's really hard not to feel sorry for myself. This was supposed to be my summer of fun. Last summer was total destruction. This summer has turned into a total dud.

I feel so shitty about myself that I can't even find any wit or humour for this post.

Fuck. Me.

Nuh Uh

He stood me up.

I rushed through dinner with friends I hadn't seen in months, only to get stood up.

I sent him a text around 8:30pm to see if he was still good to go. No response until 10pm - which was blah blah blah about him falling asleep and being too tired to do anything. "I'm awful" it said at the end.

Not as awful as I am for actually giving him another chance.

I'm really starting to hate him.

Uh huh

I knew Butterfly would blow me off for the long weekend. I had asked him about 2 weeks ago if he would be interested in coming with me to the Jackson-Triggs vineyard for a concert series. He hmmmed and hawwwwed about it and never gave me a straight yes or no.

I emailed him yesterday to see what the final verdict was. Three paragraphs later, the answer was no. But he asked me what I was doing tonight. (Dinner with friends at 7pm.) He wants to get together for drinks.

This is a little strange, seeing as we saw each other on Tuesday. He never sees me again so quickly.

So I predict one of two things will happen. We'll either end up sleeping together tonight, or he'll break it off with me (again) in a strange and awkward way.