Off the Wagon

I just cannot help myself. I know it was wrong but I couldn't resist.

Boy and I went for drinks last night after work. One beer led to another which led to him in my bed.

Now in my defence, I've been pretty horny lately. And it's been over a month since I've had sex. And you know, they ain't lying when they say a woman's sex drive increases exponentially as she reaches her mid thirties.

I'm seriously toying with the idea of letting his Woman know about what happened between us last night.

You see, as smart as Boy thinks he is, I'm smarter. And I know the password to his blackberry. So while he was in the washroom, I took a little tour around his inbox. Lo and behold I found an email thread then went something like this:

Boy: Hey gorgeous, what's shakin'?

Woman: I went shopping and blah blah blah and did laundry and blah blah blah, and my kid sat in a plate of ketchup twice. What about you?

Boy: Just left having drinks with coworkers. Miss you. :-(

Awww, isn't that sweet? He misses her. He must have missed her a lot because when we got back to my place, his clothes were off in about 10 seconds and we fucked so hard my bed moved about a foot and a half away from the wall.

And I'm sure he continued missing her when we fucked again at 5am and he was begging me not to stop.

And I'm positive the part where he missed her most was when he had me in his arms, kissing my face and telling me all those wonderful things you tell someone after you've done the nasty.

My heart bleeds for him. You can really tell how much he cares about her.

The great thing about all of this is that I just don't give a flying shit about him anymore. Everything that happened last night shows me the true degenerate he really is. And I'm really happy to fuck him and leave him.

Super Day

My Chinese horoscope for today:

Your energy will be great, but beware of too strong nervous tensions which might provoke troubles. Love, sex and sensual satisfactions will mark this day; you'll seduce everywhere you'll go. Do yourself pleasure, multiply hobbies and all activities capable of interesting you passionately.

Oh please oh please oh please!!!!!!!

Haters

I was driving along with my brother in the front seat and my cousins in the back. I pulled up behind a car at a stop light and I was close enough to see the license plate.

IH8 AMZ

I did a double take. So did my brother.

That plate hates me! Which means the owner of that car hates me.

Now I know that AMZ could mean any number of things. However I was driving in my very small, very annoying, hometown. And as far as I can remember, I'm the only AMZ that existed there.

There is just no love for me!

Feliz Navidad

Yesterday I saw Boy and the woman he's currently banging. It was by pure chance that I almost bumped into them. I was walking in the underground on my way to lunch, and they were walking in the other direction. They didn't see me thank goodness, but I most certainly saw them.

They didn't look very happy. Both were carrying a Starbucks coffee. She seemed more interested in the coffee than in him.

I thought back to the lunches we spent together. We were always laughing and talking and having fun.

I felt pretty sad sitting in Quiznos all alone eating my Chicken Carbonara on Whole Wheat with Mushrooms and Bacon.

I had a dream last night about Boy. A lot of time had passed and we were at a party together. We danced and we kissed and then we made love. I woke up this morning a bit disoriented and in a bit of a foul mood.

Getting off the subway, I heard the strains of "Feliz Navidad" coming from a TTC musician. I've never learned this guy's name, but he's one of my favourite underground players.

His version of "Feliz Navidad" was quite joyous and uplifting. All it took was a moment of listening before a smile broke out on my face.

Thanks to him, I had a lovely last day at work before the Christmas break.

Happy holidays to all of you.

Inertia

I spent most of yesterday asleep on my couch. I got a phone call from The Mechanic at one point in the afternoon (?) asking me when he should come by to put the tire he fixed back on to my car. "Whenever is good for you, you're the one doing me the favour."

I spent most of today catching up on All My Children and Lipstick Jungle. (I love this show, why do they have to cancel awesome programs?) Around every three episodes, I'd pass out on the couch. I got another phone call from The Mechanic, he would be coming in the afternoon.

I managed to peel myself off the couch long enough to take a shower and brush my teeth.

He buzzed around 3pm, I went downstairs and let him into the parking garage.

He made small talk. I could barely concentrate enough to respond.

He asked me what I was doing for the rest of the day. Napping and watching the rest of my Lipstick Jungle episodes.

He finished with the tire and then topped up my windshield wiper fluid. (Windshield washer fluid?)

I walked him out of the parking garage and thanked him for the tremendous favour he had done. He hugged me and kissed my cheek.

"Merry Christmas."

"Drive safe."

I came back upstairs, changed into my PJs and passed out cold on the couch again.

I just cannot understand why I'm not attracted to him. He's cute, he's extraordinarily nice to me, and is in a place in his life where he wants to settle down and have a family. All of the things I've been looking for, and praying for.

All I know is when I look at The Mechanic I can't imagine ever kissing him, never mind ever having sex with him.

And I really really wanted there to be something. Anything. Any little glimmer of a tiny little speck of something.

But I know I can't force it. My therapist has told me this over and over. I'm the type of person that if there isn't a spark to start, it just won't ever happen. And it sadly looks like this is the case.

Chemistry is the key. And hopefully, I'll know when he comes along.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n4MAxEpjUjo

Of Course He Didn't

Lots of beer, and lots of opportunity. However Stage Hand did not make the most of it.

I ended up flirting with two married men with two children each and vasectomies. Yes, the conversation took us to the point where they felt they were comfortable enough to each tell me of their snip-snip.

Too bad the Stage Hand and I didn't have that kind of one on one time.

I shared a cab home with an old friend who I still have a crush on. He gave me two kisses on the lips. Those small moments made me feel loved.

One Good Man

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yIHgZHDJlZY

Honey, I love to go to parties.
And I like to have a good time,
But if it gets too pale after a while
Honey I start looking to find

One good man.
Hmm, don’t you know I’ve been searching,
Oh yes I have!
One good man,
Oh ain’t much, honey ain’t much,
It’s only everything, whoa.

An’ I don’t want much outta life,
I never wanted a mansion in the South.
I just-a want to find someone sincere
Who’d treat me like he talks,

One good man.
Oh honey don’t you know that I’ve been looking.
Oh, one good man
Ain’t much, honey it ain’t much,
Oh, it’s only everything.
All right.

Some girls they want to collect their men,
They wear ’em like notches on a gun.
Oh honey, but I know better than that,
I know that a woman only needs one.

One good man, oh,
Oh baby don’t you know I’ve been looking, hmm.
One good man,
It ain’t much, no, no honey it ain’t much,
Oh, it’s only every little thing,
Just-a everything, everything
Ah yeah.

Old Habits

An old bed buddy of mine has reappeared after years of absence. We've always kept in touch via email, however it wasn't until a few months ago that we saw each other again in person.

He's happily(?) married now. Our first vis-a-vis was at a bar, and it was mostly me describing the insanity that was my marriage.

The second time was at my place and we shared a bottle of scotch. I think the split was 70-30 in my favour. I was breathing and belching scotch the whole next day at work. The conversation was mostly about Boy and the conflicting messages he was sending me.

Tonight was our third summit. I gave him a bottle of Dominican rum as a belated birthday present. Of course we cracked it open immediately.

I honestly cannot tell you why, but he ended up giving me a foot massage (both feet) and a back rub with grape seed oil that he just so happened to have in his laptop bag.

He and I are definitely like oxygen to a flame. We've always had an insane chemistry, but never a relationship. Which is too bad really when I think about it. I know mostly the reason is cultural - he is Jewish and I am not.

At any rate, I doubt his wife would think it's cool that he was rubbing another woman's feet. And not just any woman, but a woman he had an affair with.

He's always trusted me implicitly and I feel like his reappearance has something to do with needing someone to confide in. However I can't figure out how grape seed oil fits into that.

Disco Break

I'm back from the Dominican with a nasty cold but my chastity still in tact.

I did not use one of the six condoms I brought with me. That was by choice, and not for lack of opportunity.

Opportunity came in the form of a very tall and very hot Italian boy who was a friend of the groom. He gleaned onto me from the moment we stepped off the plane. By that afternoon, we were snogging. By that evening, I had him wrapped around my pinkie. By the next day, we were practically engaged. And I was so painfully annoyed by how absolutely STUPID he was.

Here's a partial list of the things that made me want to smack him with a brick:

* almost 39 years old and still lives with his parents

* Mommy packed his suitcase for him, which was so overweight he had to pay a $100USD luggage penalty

* was loud and obnoxious but would shush himself (seriously, it was the strangest thing I've ever seen)

* drooled when drunk

* partied every single night without fail

* made out with me, knowing full well he was sick, which of course I ended up catching

And the most annoying thing? No matter where we were - be it at the beach, at dinner, walking through the lobby - he would randomly yell "DISCO BREAK" and bust out dancing to the music in his head.

One night we were at one of the fancy a la carte restaurants and he would just not stop being loud.

P: Hey, are you like a canary?

DB: (quizzical look)

P: If I put a napkin over your head, will you go to sleep?

(whole table howls with laughter)

For the rest of the week, anytime Disco Break would get out of hand, someone would ask for a napkin.

I am proud to say that even though I was lonely, I chose NOT to hook up with him. It would have been sooooo easy too, even easier than with Boy. But I think I've finally learned what all of my friends have been SCREAMING at me.

I'm better than that.

Tee Hee

So I was pretty upset last night, as I'm sure you could all tell by my last post. I really need to stick to my "don't drink and blog or Facebook" rule that I set for myself after my marriage imploded.

Work was nuts today as I had to wrap everything up before my big trip tomorrow...er...today. I am due at the airport in a few hours so I thought I'd post an interesting development with Stage Hand.

I was in studio this afternoon, doing my Head Studio Usher thing and I saw Stage Hand, as per usual. He came right over to me and gave me a hug that lasted what felt like 5 minutes. He also picked me up off my feet. I warned him not to hurt himself, he said, "I'm in staging, I'm strong." Right. Hee hee. :)

Everytime we'd see each other, we'd make eye contact and smile. I started getting nervous, I've never been good at maintaining eye contact with someone I fancy.

The show was in progress and the audience coordinator, aka my recon specialist, was in with me and I told her the whole East-Side-Mario's-phone-number-exchange-and-merlot story. She was super excited for me.

At one point after she had left the studio, Stage Hand came off set to where us ushers sit. He was saying hello to everyone as he walked by. As he came past me, he didn't say anything, but grabbed a hold of the chair I was in and rolled me backwards into an area where we keep all the special effects equipment.

He turned my chair around so my back was to the set. He asked me if I was busy at that moment and I said no. He said good, grabbed my hand, pulled me out of the chair and in behind the special effects area.

THEN. HE. MADE. OUT. WITH. ME.

I was all tangled up in his arms and in my headset. I didn't even know what was happening. When I realized he was making out with me, it was over. He gave me a hug and then went back to the set.

I straightened myself out and wheeled my chair back to where the ushers were and I could not wipe the grin off my face.

As Sally Field once said, "You like me! You really like me!"

L.O.S.E.R.

Pardon my french, but i'm drunk.

Was at office xmas party.

every girl tghere is gorgeous and skinny and not me./

I would just love ot be happy. but it's not gonnahappen. i have to accvept it or i may jsut hang myself.

i'm going to the dominican on friday to watch one of my best friends tie the knot. she got the happy ever after.

i'm happy for her. as much as one can be.

Boy is an asshole. proves it over and over agian. i wanted to try being friends but i don't htink that will happend.

I am going to fuck the island of Dominican. I am bringing codoms. YEAH MOFOS AIN'T NO STOPPING ME NOW.

I'm sorry for what I've done. And for all the things I will evenutally do. I am going to go down in flames and i deserve it.

Enter Stage Left

Friday was a bit of a fiasco at work. I was screamed at by a senior vice president, which then led to me crying in my boss' office, which then led to HR getting involved. Not a good day.

I left work early to go to work at the Gemini Awards. Let me tell you, Canadian celebrities think they are more important than they actually are. A big F.U. goes to Shenae Grimes and Sitara Hewitt. Thanks for making an already bad day that much worse. Bitches.

A couple girlfriends and I ended up at East Side Mario's after the big show (of assholes). At first we were going to hit up Lonestar, but my one friend insisted on ESM. I'd be thanking her later on for her steadfast choice.

We quickly settled into some drinks, nibbles, and a bitch fest about how much guys suck. We lamented about the lack of available good men, and how our hot & sexy selves were being wasted on losers like Boy.

I was in the middle of a rather loud rant about Boy when all of a sudden, I felt two strong arms pull me into a warm hug. I pulled back, and there stood one of the staging guys I work with at the Royal Canadian Air Farce.

I've worked at Air Farce since 2004. The first four seasons I spent as the VIP wrangler. For this final season of the show (why must great Canadian programs get cancelled?!), I was promoted to Head Studio Usher. I've known Stage Hand since I've been there, however it wasn't until this season that he appeared on my radar as a potential hook up.

Over the last few weeks, he and I have chatted quite a bit on set. I mentioned to the audience coordinator (my boss at the show) I think he's a cutie. She quickly flew into recon mode to see if he was available. She found out that he was - sort of. He was in the process of breaking up with a live-in GF.

And there he was, smiling at me. I was stunned to say the least as he was the last person I expected to see on a Friday night at East Side Mario's.

He started walking away when I stopped him.

P: You're not getting away that easily.

SH: (walking back) Oh no?

P: Not this time. (smiles) When are you going to ask me out?

SH: (pause) When I get my furniture back...

P: (nods head) I see.

SH: (walking away)

P: Hang on! You're doing this all wrong!

SH: (walking back and laughing) I am?

P: If you're going to ask me out eventually, you'll need my number.

SH: Right! (takes cell phone out of pocket) Let me have it.

As this exchange happened, my two girlfriends sat with mouths agape. I would have been too, but for some reason, I'd grown some sort of confidence between him hugging me and his first attempt at walking away.

He gave me another hug and then went back to his table. The girls of course started freaking out and demanding details. I told them as I've told you about the chatting on set and the inquiry into his relationship status.

As we were giggling triumphant, the waiter appeared with 3 shots. We asked who our benefactor was. "A mystery man." Of course. :) We also asked what the shots were called. "Red headed sluts." Nice. Hehehe.

I sent Stage Hand a text message thanking him for the shots. "C U soon sweetness" Awwww.

And just when I thought the situation couldn't get any cuter, he came over to my table again and told me he had something for me.

For a moment, panic struck. I imagined he was going to whip out his dick and ask for some head right there. I don't know why I thought this of him, as he's only ever been nice to me. However, he's got a bit of a bad boy thing going on - tattoos, piercings and heavy metal band shirts. Oh right, it's because I have a big chip on my shoulder that all men are assholes.

Off I went to his table, where a few other staging guys were sitting, who all know me as well. I got a "Hello nurse!" from one. Hehehe. Stage Hand gave me another hug and then opened his backpack to get my gift.

It wasn't his penis, but a bottle of merlot. He started explaining that he doesn't always carry wine around in his backpack, however he has a case of it stashed at the studio. They work crazy hours and sometimes when it's too late to go to the bar to have drinks, they stay on set and drink there. So he'd run back to the studio and grabbed me a bottle. Awww! See, cuter than I could have imagined.

I thanked him and told him that I would save the bottle for when he came over for a visit. He smiled, hugged me hard and kissed me on the cheek. He whispered "soon" in my ear.

I can't wait to see him this week on set.

Can't Buy Me Love

Because I'm still (insert any and all emotion here) about Boy, I thought I would go on Ebay for a little retail therapy.

I did searches on handbags, shoes, and jewellery. Yes, I am a typical female. :P And just because I was curious and needed some hope, I did a search on happiness....oh, if it were only as easy as this ad.

Haunted ring 9.2510X charm love&happiness marriage

100% amazing truly spell force of rite

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Every day I get up at 4:30 am I begin my rites and I ask the spirit of my grandmother to come haunt my jewels by the luck, money, love, force, courage and determination so that your wishes come true!!

Today it is necessary to have somebody who by the positive force of its rituals and his will sends you the necessary energy which allows you to spend easily more the difficult moments and especially to take out you out of it. Some are going to sell rings by saying to you that there are forces symbolized by geniuses

Who will give you all that you wish?? You believe that ?

The rites are energies, a thought forces which will be transformed into realization.

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unique design
( I have just one piece)

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Because when you will wear this RING you will feel the psychic force which this jewel is going to surround you.

I am going to do a personal spell cast for the person who buys this ring.

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If you do not wear it in the finger, put this ring in a white handkerchief and make a knot and put it in your pocket or in your bag.

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Divine Intervention

The bar we played at last night used to be a church. The first time I walked in, I knew I had to get booked there. The acoustics are amazing of course. And the whole vibe of the place is peaceful and warm.

My friend Brent met me at the bar before my show to have dinner and listen to me bemoan what happened with Boy. I asked him for the guy perspective and he told me that Boy is definitely a huge douche bag, plain and simple.

I told Brent that perhaps I should just start praying for my dream guy. So I looked up to the ceiling and said, "Hey God, it's me, Paprika. So I just wanted to ask that if you have a moment, could you please send me a smart, funny, NICE, decent and good looking guy. Cuz I'm pretty ready to stop seeing losers like Boy and get on with my life. Okay thanks. Bye."

As I finished my prayer, I realized it was time to hit the stage. I stopped at the bar to grab my favourite drink while performing - room temperature water with no ice. The bar owner Val was happy to oblige. While she was pouring my poison, she asked me how things were going with Boy. Gave her the short version - he stuck his dick in someone else. She was horrified at that and said, "You've been through so much, I know the perfect guy will come walking through that door." To which I replied, "From your lips to the universe's ears."

I hit the stage and rocked out with my boys for the next hour. My Dad showed up half way through the set. My friend Kelly showed up and hung with my Dad. People were enjoying our stuff.

After the break, we got back up and just as we finished the first song of the 2nd set, in walked The Mechanic.

Now I must take a moment and give you the back story.

[ My friend mentioned to me a while ago that her brother the mechanic is 39, never married, and definitely looking to settle down. However, he keeps chasing girls who are princesses and just general bitches and definitely not the marrying type. Now normally she would never dream of fixing up her bro however, she paired the two of us in her mind's eye and decided that there could potentially be a long term match. I've met him a few times at her place for various get togethers but because I've been so involved with the drama of Boy, I haven't really given The Mechanic much thought.

My friend, her boyfriend and The Mechanic came to a show of mine 2 weeks ago in Toronto. They stayed for 1 1/2 sets and then took off without saying goodnight. I thought for sure at that point he decided I was too (insert annoying character trait here) and ran away as fast as possible. Turns out that wasn't the case, my friend wasn't feeling well so they all went home.

I spent last Sunday hanging at my friend's place and of course, The Mechanic just happened to show up. The plan was to go to the Santa Claus Parade however I was far too tired from my show in Oshawa (which Boy had come to ), and they were all hung over from a night of Rockband. So we watched movies, passed out on different pieces of furniture, went shopping at Costco, watched more movies, ate dinner and passed out again. At 11:30pm I realized I had to go home as I had to work the following day. He offered me a ride home.

In the car he started babbling about a bunch of stuff, and I think the general gist was that he liked me. He said I was attractive and good. (Good? Evil probably.) He babbled, blubbed, stuttered and mentioned that he also knew I was divorced and probably apprehensive about starting up another relationship so soon after the proverbial ink had dried. He gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek goodnight. And that was the last time I saw him. ]

I caught his attention and waved. He smiled and sat down at the table just in front of my Dad and Kelly. He had a few days of beard growing which of course makes me wanna jump him immediately. He was wearing a button down shirt and cargos. And he looked genuinely happy to see me.

I went right over to him during the break after my set and gave him a big hug. I told him I was very surprised to see him, as he lives quite far north of Toronto. He told me that he was at his sister's downtown and decided he wanted to come see the show. He got a new GPS for his car and thought he'd try it out.

I gotta say, him showing up like that scored quite a lot of points with me.

I introduced him to the band and to my Dad. Of course I didn't even have to look at my Dad to know what was running through his mind. So I avoided making eye contact with my dear Father.

After the show, The Mechanic helped tear down our equipment and he walked me to my car. Then he asked me for my number, which I happily gave to him. I got a text message later wishing me a good sleep.

Now let's think about how last night would have turned out had Boy not told me about sticking his pee-pee into another va-jay-jay.

(insert time warping, alternate universe music here)

Boy, Housemate, HM's Girl and I would have arrived at the bar early for dinner. We would have shared multiple pitchers of beer. Boy would have definitely been groping me under the table.

I go start the show. Boy, HM & HMG would have gone to play pool. My Dad would have shown up, as would Kelly.

Break between sets. Boy comes up from pool game and I introduce him (begrudgingly) to my Dad. Boy would be charming (as he is) and made small talk. Boy rejoins HM & HMG.

Second set begins. In walks The Mechanic. I catch his eye and wave. He takes a seat at the table in front of my Dad & Kelly.

Break between sets. Boy comes up from pool game as I am giving The Mechanic a hug. I introduce Boy (begrudgingly) to The Mechanic. Boy would be charming and make small talk. Then Boy would have stuck his tongue down my throat and The Mechanic would have been wondering why he drove all the way down to Grimsby. The Mechanic leaves shortly thereafter.

Show is over. I go home with Boy. We make love. We go for breakfast. We spend the day together. I go home.

Monday arrives. I text Boy asking to hang out. No reply. Tuesday arrives. I text Boy asking what's up. He says let's get together. Boy arrives at apartment after work.

Boy tells me he stuck his pee-pee into another va-jay-jay. I toss his ass out of my apartment and then realize that I have blown any chance with The Mechanic.

I guess this may all have happened for a reason. But I still don't like the part where Boy is a complete assfucker.

Splat

And now it's done. For good. It's so finished there's no possibility of it ever starting again.

I was supposed to spend a fun night with Boy at his place. We were going to drink and play video games and eventually get it on.

However on the way there, he told me that he slept with another girl last night.

I could have sworn I actually heard a THUD in my chest.

"You're a great girl."

"I thought I was clear with you from the beginning."

"I didn't want to hurt you."

All of those things may be true, but the fact of the matter is that he acted like my boyfriend. He spent all his time with me and up until last night, didn't stick his penis into strange vaginas. There is a reason why they say, "actions speak louder than words". THERE IS A DAMN GOOD REASON FOR THAT.

"Are we still going to hang out tonight?"

ARE? YOU? KIDDING? ME?

Oh yeah! Sure! No problem! So you fucked someone. Let's go play Rockband! FUN TIMES.

It took all my strength not to crash his side of the car into a pole.

"Housemate and I were gonna come to your show tomorrow. Can we still come?"

NO YOU STUPID FUCK, I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU ANYMORE.

"I confided a lot of things in you, are you going to spill my secrets?"

YES YOU ASSHOLE, I'M GOING TO TELL THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD WHAT A COCKSUCKER YOU ARE.

"Are we still going to be friends?"

(sigh) I'm too tired to even begin to deal with that.

Pendulum

And back I swing to liking Boy.

He came with me to my show last night in Oshawa, as my captive audience because I was the one driving. This would be the first time he's seen me perform with my band.

I don't know what it is about him. The minute I think he's completely incapable of being a decent human being, he turns around and surprises me.

He told people (mostly the older chicks hitting on him) he was there with me. "Really? With the singer?!" "Yes, I'm with her."

Half way through each set, the guys in my band take turns at vocals, for which I usually take a break to sit with any friends who happen to be there. During one of these breaks, my guys played a particularly dancy tune. So I asked Boy to dance.

Finally.

We finally got to do what we didn't do that disastrous night.

And it was awesome. It was soooo good. For that one song, nothing else existed. None of the tears, none of the anger, none of the douche-baggery. It was just me, him and the music. And at the end of the song, he leaned in and gave me an amazing kiss. He also mentioned I gave him a semi. Hehehe, my hips don't lie!

When we got home, he was nice and drunk and I was fully expecting to just fall asleep curled up together. However, he surprised me once more. :)

It was slow and gentle and passionate. And probably the best we've ever had.

Later he asked me to come for dinner to meet his family. He warned me that his mom was still not impressed with the whole leaving-her-sweet-baby-boy-out-on-the-cold-front-stoop-all-night. And it would be likely that all of the family would be talking to me about it.

Riiiiiight. That sounds more like a lynching than dinner. I told him I'd think about it and we'd talk more in the morning.

I decided to pass on meeting the family. For one, lynch mob. For two, I have another show tonight in Oshawa and his family is about a 2 hour drive in the opposite direction. I told him we could plan another weekend for me to meet them when I didn't have a show the same night.

So I'm here blogging and doing (his) laundry. And pondering. And swinging back and forth.

Retraction

I take it back.

YOU (Boy) ARE AN ASSFUCKER.

And I mean no offense to those who enjoy anal sex.

Till Death?

Boy came over after work and we decided to order pizza, pick up some wine and watch TV. I had to stop at the grocery store to grab some bread and other life sustaining items.

While we were there, he decided he needed to buy his own bath soap. Apparently, my body wash is too girly smelling for his tastes. As he was picking out his soap, he asked me if I had done laundry, i.e. did I throw his clothes in there as well. I indicated that I had in fact did his laundry.

"We're so married now. I'm moving in."

Huh. Yeah.

We continued walking up and down the aisles and I'm not sure how it happened, but I asked him if he were to have children, more specifically a son, would that son be named after him. Boy is already the III. Boy's son would be the IV. So I asked him if I were to have his son, could I give him some other middle names.

"Sure, as long as my first, middle and last name appear in there somewhere."

I told him that I wanted my father's name in there, as well as my last name.

"Sure, no problem."

Uh huh.

These kinds of conversations are really weird coming from a guy who is adamant about the fact that WE ARE NOT TOGETHER!

He's such a strange bird.

Inevitable

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HjE7BXy5t5I

Do you remember when we were just kids
And cardboard boxes took us miles from what we would miss
Schoolyard conversations taken to heart
And laughter took the place of everything we knew we were not

I wanna break every clock
The hands of time could never move again
We could stay in this moment (stay in this moment)
For the rest of our lives
Is it over now hey, hey, is it over now

I wanna be your last, first kiss
That you'll ever have
I wanna be your last, first kiss

Amazing how life turns out the way that it does
We end up hurting the worst, the only ones we really love

I wanna break every clock
The hands of time could never move again
We could stay in this moment (stay in this moment)
For the rest of our lives
Is it over now hey, hey, is it over now

I wanna be your last, first kiss
That you'll ever have
I wanna be your last, first kiss

Is it over now hey, hey, is it over now
Is it over now hey, hey, it's not over now

I wanna be your last, first kiss
That you'll ever have (that you'll ever have)
I wanna be your last, first love (that you'll ever have)
Till you're lying here beside me with arms and eyes open wide
I wanna be your last, first kiss

For all time

Because I Like Him

Went for drinks with Boy again and he asked me why I liked him. I couldn't give him a specific answer at that moment. He seemed a little miffed by that.

For me, I can easily identify and itemize things I don't like about a person. But when I like someone, it's just a general fuzzy feeling of goodness.

When I got home, I thought about it and sent him this email.

From: Paprika
To: Boy
Subject: Why I Like You

You are nice.
You are very generous.
You are funny.
You are smart (but mostly a smart ass).
You are a great kisser.
You are a weirdo (in a good way).
You are hairy. :)

So there are some of reasons why I like you. Some of the other reasons are too fuzzy and abstract to pin down and describe in words. But they still add up to me liking you.

I didn't get any response. But I guess it's because I didn't really ask for one in return. That would be too Grade 8 for me. "Do you like me? Circle Yes or No."

Oh I Don't Know Why

Boy is back. And he's on his best behaviour. He invited me out last week with his housemate to a concert at the Phoenix. Originally he had asked if they could crash at my place, to which I said yes (I'm all about mi casa es su casa). Then it turned into me going out to party with them.

I know, I know. You are all shaking your heads. I was shaking my head too. I figured it would end up with both of them out locked out of my place, with me never to return.

However, I'm happy to say that it didn't end up like that at all. We actually had fun.

Boy paid my way into the show, bought me drinks, made sure I wasn't getting crushed by the mosh pit, and generally being attentive. I was a little hesitant at first as I was certain Boy was going to pull some shiteous behaviour. We were at a club packed with chicks who were ready to rock out to the band, and to rock some lucky guy's world. I was certain some girl would catch his eye and the Douche Bag would reemerge.

I had a huge moment of doubt when Boy announced he was going for a smoke. I thought, "Okay, here is where everything went horribly wrong the last time." However, I was extraordinarily impressed with the fact that he returned within 2 minutes flat. Same with bathroom breaks - 2 minutes tops and he was back at my side. :)

On more than a few occasions, Housemate referred to Boy as my BF. I don't know if he was mocking me because he knows that Boy has no interest in being my official BF, or maybe Housemate knows something I don't. At any rate, I ignored that word as if it has been bleeped out by some cosmic censorship board.

After the show and a pit stop at Pizza Pizza, we headed back to my place. Housemate took a shower while Boy and I hit the sheets. Quiet sex is always hilarious and fun. Afterwards he snuggled his face up to mine and whispered "I'm glad you came out with me tonight." Aww.

The next day Boy came by after work to hang out. We watched a movie, snuggled on the couch and had a very nice and quiet night in. He asked me if it was cool to leave a change of clothes and some personal items there so he could stay over again. Of course! Mi casa es su casa and all that.

And he came back last night. We went out for drinks and eats and then back to my place for, well, you know what for. :)

He left behind another change of clothes...

I am treading with caution, but I've got a little smile on my face.

Fish is Fried

I just deleted my PoF account.


(sigh)


I quit, again.


I can't wait to see my therapist next week.

The Conclusion

Just for fun, I plugged in my and Boy's birthdays into a Chinese Sign Compatibility calculator. Here are the results.

Hopeless signs like yours just don't mix. Just think you are made up of four signs and a mix of five elements, none of which must match to give you this score. Have you ever heard the adage, "Trying to squeeze blood from a rock?" Well this is the relationship form of "Trying to squeeze love from a rock." Forget it and find a new man. Final Rating: 5%

As Amy Winehouse once sang, "What kind of fuckery is this?"

Yup.

Blep.

Glutton

I am a glutton for punishment.

I have faith in people even when they demonstrate over and over they are not worth believing in.

I saw Boy on Monday. We fucked. We ate pizza and watched TV. We made out and passed out on the couch. It was nice.

I saw Boy last night. We had drinks. We ate. And then we had another conversation about what happened that disastrous night we went dancing.

And he still doesn't think he did anything wrong.

He still doesn't want to be my boyfriend. Although he finally admitted we are dating. But he placed a caveat on that - we are dating non-exclusively.

Which means he can go fuck whomever he wants, whenever he wants.

Which up until Monday, I was fine with.

I'm not fine with that anymore.

He told me he doesn't want me to depend on him emotionally. He doesn't want to be the person I call when I have a crisis. I told him flat out I wouldn't call him, I'd call my Faux Beau. Or my DT. OR ANYONE ELSE ON EARTH before I would trust him with my EMOTIONS.

And of course, I went home and cried my eyes out.

I have a migraine now. And I am going to leave work and go home and cry some more.

Because I am alone. AND YES I AM SAD ABOUT THAT.

And I'm going to get all sorts of phone calls and emails from my friends telling me how stupid I am for giving him any more of my time or my tears. And I will also get calls telling me to suck it up and that my life ain't so bad.

Well FUCK THAT SHIT. Because the voices of criticism come from people who are happily coupled off.

Every last person who is going to tell me what an idiot I am has someone to go home to at night. You all have someone who you can depend on emotionally. You all have someone you can share pizza with and watch TV with.

So unless any of you reading this are single, I don't want to hear one damn word about it.

Crappy Carp

I joined PlentyOfFish.com last week. Literally within minutes of creating my account, I received a message from "RomanceTogether".

"Hello, You are drop dead gorgeous. I read your profile and find you to be down to earth. I would love to have a chance to meet you. How about going out for a coffee tonight or sometime this week? Hope to hear back from you."

I wrote him back saying that I'd read his profile and noticed he had children. I am looking for someone without kids (been there, done that). He wrote me back with, "Thank you for taking the time to read my profile and for writing back. That speaks volumes about the person you are. Take care and God Bless You".

How nice!

I read through few profiles and found one "SpiritMale" that seemed interesting. There was a line in his profile that said he made a "mean pasta". That made me chuckle. I sent him a message asking if he could make pasta in other moods other than "mean".

He wrote me back and from there we exchanged a few more messages before exchanging numbers.

He called me on Friday and asked me out. Right on! The plan was to meet for drinks after work, around 6ish.

I got to the designated meeting spot at 6:05pm and my first instinct was to walk right past him. When we said hello, my second instinct was to run screaming in the other direction.

We changed venues from drinks to sushi. And my inner voice was still screaming "RUN AWAY". As we sat down to dinner, everything took a turn to total crap.

He criticized my hat, my POF profile, my choice in drink (water, rather than saki) and told me he once dated a girl who treated her cats like humans, which in his opinion, is totally ridiculous.

The date lasted an hour flat. I thanked him and gave him a hug goodbye. As we were parting, he commented on what a great time he had with me and wanted to see me again. Yeah right. RUN AWAY!!

He messaged me later and asked me to a movie. I wrote him back thanking him again for dinner and that I would not want to take him up on the movie offer. He asked me why so I wrote him back with this:

"You criticized my profile again, which made me wonder why you even bothered to meet me.

You kept harping on my hat. It was a hat. I like hats. I don't get why it bothered you that I was wearing one. And I don't get why I had to explain why I was wearing a hat. Did I ask you why you were wearing pants? Or a coat? Or those particular shoes? I wore that hat on that particular day because I wanted to. Much like everything else I do on a daily basis, because I feel like it.

You questioned my taste in alcohol and you questioned why I wasn't having any alcohol with dinner. I think my tastes are my tastes and I felt like you were judging me.

You ridiculed a girl you dated for treating her cats like humans. My profile says I love my cat. I love him like a person. I love him enough that I have his initial tattooed to my collarbone. So when you said you thought it was ridiculous for that girl to love her cats so much, it was insulting to me as well.

And you kept making a joke about me being a guy. Yes, I enjoy things that are traditionally classified as male activities, but you made that joke like 3 times. It was funny the first time, mildly amusing the second time, and insulting the third time. You made me feel like I had zero femininity.

So I hope that gives you some insight."

He wrote me back with an apology. And that was that.

And since him, I've had one or two guys talk to me, but none have asked me out. Which is the problem that plagues me over and over. The only man who has ever asked me out on a date is my ex-husband. And we all know how that turned out.

I think I'm going to delete my profile. I know that a week isn't really a good measure of what the site has to offer. Given the fact that the site boasts over 900,000 active daily users, half of whom I will assume to be men, I've already struck out.

The universe keeps showing me that I am not meant to be with anyone.

Wonder Years

In Grade 10, I did a play called "Voices From the High School". It was a play made up of many scenes with multiple characters, but no singular plot. It dealt with issues that high school kids face - from first love to teen pregnancy to abuse to suicide.

I played several characters at opposite ends of the spectrum. I played a girl who attempted suicide and a girl who was experiencing her very first kiss.

The boy on the other end of that first kiss was Brian Nelson. We called him Fred Savage because he looked almost exactly like the actor. He was short and cute with curly brown hair, freckles and big brown eyes with long eyelashes.

At first I wasn't sure if I was happy that Brian was cast in my first stage kiss. I think partly because I thought he was a nerd. And partly because I was scared about kissing a boy in front of an audience that would include my boyfriend, my Dad and my brothers.

I remember in rehearsals, we'd run the scene and just hug when the kissing part happened. Our director let us get away with that until about a week before opening night. She finally forced us to go somewhere private and not come back until we could run the scene with the kiss.

We went off to the backstage area to work it out. We sat across from each other and just stared and smiled and giggled. I suggested we run the scene and when we get to the kiss, we just go for it. He agreed.

We ran the scene and I could feel my heart pounding harder and harder as we approached the point where the kiss was supposed to happen. I squeezed my eyes shut as tight as possible and pursed my lips. I could feel him moving closer. I peeked through one of my eyes and saw that he had his eyes closed too. But he didn't look as scared as I probably did.

And as I watched him coming in for a landing, I realized he was going to totally miss. So I shut my eyes again.

He started to laugh when he realized his miscalculation. It was then that I knew I could trust him with it. So we tried it again. It was lightning quick, but we did it.

We went back to the group and ran the scene. The kiss happened and everyone applauded.

Opening night came and we got to our scene. As the lights came up, I felt like I had been transported to a different world. I was completely lost in the moment. I was feeling the true magic of theatre.

And then the kiss came. Brian gave me a kiss that was soft and gentle, and full of kindness and love. As we separated, I saw him, not the character anymore. He cared about me as a person to keep me safe. It took me a moment to recover and remember my next line. We finished the scene to thunderous applause.

In my whole life, I think that was one of the best kisses I've ever had. It came from a place that was true and pure and innocent.

I want that feeling again.

Double Douche Bag

Against my better judgement, I went out for drinks with Boy after work last night. As per usual, we were having a great time.

After about an hour, he asked me what I was doing for the rest of the evening. I told him I had plans to go dancing with friends, to which he had been invited but declined due to his housemate's birthday celebrations being the same night. Well, it turned out that the housemate rescheduled the festivities to the following evening. He asked me if he could still come out with me and my friends. I said sure but that the outfit he was wearing would not get him past the bouncers.

Well, he had an easy solution to the problem - shopping! We finished our drinks and headed to The Bay where in 20 minutes we had picked out a shirt, pair of pants and pair of shoes, all passing the dress code standard for the club.

We headed back to my place, where my friends were due to meet me (now us) at 8pm. Coming off the subway, it was already 8pm, so I started hurrying down the sidewalk. He saw a liquor store and said he was going in to get some pre-dancing fuel.

"Sure, just come back to the apartment when you are done."

I start motoring towards my street when he stopped me.

"Hey, gimme some smooches."

Kiss kiss, and off we went in our separate directions.

Half an hour later, after having gotten ready in record time, none of my friends had shown up yet. Boy comes back not just with liquor, but with a bouquet of flowers for me.

Awww.

He got dressed, commenting on how nice I looked. He gave me smooches and pats on the bum and all was fine dandy in my world.

My friend Leslie shows up (looking super hawt) and the three of us made our way to the club.

We met up with the rest of my friends on the sidewalk outside the club and in we went, ready for a night of super awesome fun. Boy paid my cover and bought me the first drink of the night.

We all sat, mixed, mingled, chatted and eventually started dancing. This was the first time I'd been with Boy out dancing and out with any of my friends. He was dancing real close and kissing me. It was good. Really nice and good.

He asked me what I was doing the next weekend. I mentioned I had plans to go to Nuit Blanche. He asked me if I would consider going up to the beach for the weekend to hang out with him, his sister and his mother. I told him I'd think about it. He said he'd be back, time for a smoke break. Kiss kiss, and off he went.

I went back to dancing with my friends and all was well.

Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock....

"Where's Boy?" Hmm, weird. He was gone for over half an hour. Everyone started looking around. And then we saw him.

We saw him dancing with a girl.

We saw him lifting the girl's arm up around his neck.

We saw his face move in very close to her face.

H.u.m.i.l.i.a.t.i.o.n.

I wanted to run out of there as fast as possible. I couldn't believe he had the nerve to do that to me, and to do that in front of my friends.

Yes, I *get* that we're not in a relationship. But for fuck's sake, he came to the club as my date!

My friend Leslie was so upset by this that she went right over and confronted him. She told him if he's going to pull shit like that, to do it where we all can't see it.

He came over to me and looked at me like I was the one who did something wrong. He couldn't understand why I was upset. He was only dancing with her, and he had no intentions of making out with her or going home with her, so what's the big deal?

Honestly? What's the big deal? WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?! Oh I don't know. Maybe the deal is he said he wanted to spend the evening with ME? And instead he was spending his time with someone else! I think I would have been just as pissed as if he ditched me for a bunch of his guy friends who happened to be there. I asked him why he didn't just BRING THE HO OVER? She could have easily joined our very happy circle of friends.

I asked him to give me back my keys, ID and phone that he had been carrying in his pockets. He asked me why. And I told him because I believed he would be leaving with someone else that night instead of me. And also I wasn't going to stick around and continue to be made a fool of.

I told him how completely rude and NOT COOL that was and that I deserve at least an ounce of respect. And all he could do was yell, "WE'RE NOT DATING! WE'RE NOT TOGETHER! WE'RE NOT DATING!"

I got my stuff back from him and went into the bathroom to try to pull myself together. When I came out, I went back to the group and he came up to me to tell me it was he that would be leaving. I asked him not to go. He said he'd go back to my place and wait. And with that, he took off down the stairs and out the door.

After receiving that glorious gift of utter disrespect, I parked my ass in a corner of the club and sulked and cried and sulked some more. My friends continued to have as good of a time as they possibly could with angry little me bringing the dark cloud of gloom to the vicinity.

I took a cab home with Leslie and parked my sorry ass on her couch. It was then I realized that Boy had given me back everything except my phone. So I did what any girl in my position would do - pass out cold.

I woke up around 7am and was informed that Boy had called Leslie's cellphone upwards of 40 times and sent a few text messages asking her to please get me home ASAP to let him in. His laptop and house keys were at my place.

I got home at 7:30am and had to do the walk of shame into my building where he was waiting on one of the couches, talking to one of the neighbours who lived on my floor.

We got inside my place, he packed up his stuff and started making his way out the door. I asked him if we were going to talk about it. He said there was really nothing to talk about. Well, except for I'm a bitch for letting him sit outside my place for 7 hours. I told him he was the ASSHOLE who left the club. What was I supposed to do, leave my friends? If he were my boyfriend I perhaps would have considered leaving but as he's made it abundantly clear, I'm nothing to him and he's nothing to me.

And that was that. He said he'd talk to me later. Yeah. What.EV.er. Fucking douche bag.

Douche Bag

I went last night. We ate at a bar and he talked and talked and talked. I didn't say very much as I didn't want to give him the idea I was falling in love with him. I didn't try to make any physical contact either. He noticed on both counts. He kept asking me why I was quiet. He moved closer to me in our booth and linked his arm around mine.

When we got back to his place, we settled into our PJs and onto the couch to watch a movie. About 2 minutes in, he fell asleep. I woke him up about an hour later and suggested we go to bed.

And then in bed, we slept. No real kissing, not much of anything really.

Waking up this morning wasn't the greatest either. I was kissing him and he basically told me to get off. So I rolled over. He asked me if I was mad. I said no, I was just respecting his request and removing myself from his vicinity.

Parting ways for work was met with a little peck.

I think this is done.

Back to the couch and the cat...

Don't Touch

Things have been moving along nicely with Boy. We've been spending a moderate amount of time together which is just enough for me. Fun and light which is what he wants and I am enjoying.

He asked me out for drinks last night. I said yes and was quite looking forward to it. However, as everything in my life, the moment I think everything is a-okay, it blows up in my face.

He told me last night that he doesn't want me to fall in love with him. He "sees the way I look at him", and that I am always trying to make physical contact when we are together.

As John Travolta's character Danny said in Grease, "Don't make me laugh. Ha. Ha. Ha." I laughed my fucking ass off at his arrogance and obvious narcissism. I got down on the floor of the pub and laid flat on my back laughing as loud as possible.

I made it very clear that although he may think I'm giving him googly eyes, it is in fact that I'm simply making eye contact because I treat the people I'm boinking with respect. Shocking! I care just enough to acknowledge the fact that he's a human being and not just a piece of meat.

Along the same vein, reaching out to touch his hand is saying, "Hey, I know you're a person with feelings, and I just want you to know that even though this isn't ever going to go anywhere, I still care *just* enough to ensure that you are acknowledged and appreciated."

Hand holding & eye contact = falling in love. Who knew?

Geezus farqing Christ.

So things quickly turned for the worse and it got to the point where we were challenging each other to a fist fight outside. He's dead at recess man! You know, I'm generally a sweet girl but when someone gets up in my face, I turn evil. And I think I may have actually fought him if I hadn't stopped drinking at that point.

Eventually I started crying and I just ran away leaving him on a street corner.

He sent me a few text messages. I called him. I reamed him out some more. He apologized for making me feel like shit for showing him affection.

We had plans to hang out tonight, which he would still like to do. I'm really on the fence. Like I said in a previous post, I'm lonely. Lonely sometimes is worse than being treated like shit.

DT doesn't want me to see Boy anymore. She kept saying over and over "Please don't go!" She's rather distressed about the whole situation. It's slightly comforting to know that she cares that much.

I suppose I'll make up my mind a little later. But for now, I'm listening to some NKOTB and wallowing a bit.

Single Rider

I went to Canada's Wonderland today with my cousins who are visiting from Malta, along with my brothers and sister-in-law. In total, there were 9 of us.

Somehow, I ended up being the single rider all day long. Even when I asked to ride with either of my brothers, my sister-in-law, or any of my cousins. We'd end up shuffling around in the queue and then when we got up to the ride, I was alone.

At one point I was going to ride with my cousin's husband, when he left the queue feeling queasy. I'm such a man-repeller that I make them wanna puke.

Normally I wouldn't take such offense to the signs that say "Single Riders Keep Left". I don't think the staff at Wonderland ever took into consideration that some of their audience would in fact be heart-brokenly single.

I rode Behemoth three times in a row. The first time, I hung on for dear life. The second time, my arms were up. The third time, my arms and legs were up and out and loose. I soared up and down with the powerful but graceful momentum of the coaster. I prayed that gravity would suck me out of my seat and I would fly away to quiet oblivion.

No such luck.

Perhaps if Boy hadn't told me he didn't want a serious girlfriend *and* blown me off for drinks, I wouldn't have been so upset.

Oui

Boy asked me out for drinks a while ago.

"Just so you know, this isn't a date. You're not even my type."

Huh. Okay. I declined as I had a previous commitment.

Boy asked me out for drinks again more recently. I agreed. We drank (a lot) and discussed our love lives, or lack thereof.

Boy and I went to a party even more recently. Boy came home with me very drunk.

"For what it's worth, I thought you were really hot the first time I saw you. I knew I wanted to do you."

Huh. Okay.

I guess the idiotic and conflicting comments weren't enough to stop me from having sex with him. Which begs the question - am I *that* lonely?








Yes.

Mean Queen

I just got home from a gig with my band. We played a dive in Oshawa. As much as I like the owner of the bar, the fact is that it's filled with the city's finest in white trash.

So we were rocking along when all of a sudden, this guy appears on the dance floor. He was cutting rug like nothing I've ever seen before. I was silently thinking perhaps I should call 911 as it quite looked like he was convulsing, but seeing as he didn't hit the bricks, I figured it was just his own very unique dance style.

We finished our set and sat down for a break, and he came over and started chatting. Within two seconds, it was clear that he was interested in men. And within three seconds, it was clear he was rude as shit because he did not once acknowledge my presence. I've had some pretty awesome luck this week with men ignoring me.

He tried to buy us a round of drinks. (We declined.) He tried to offer mowing the guys' lawns. (They declined.) When he finally figured out that no one was interested, he decided to change tactics. If you can't join 'em, insult 'em!

We went back up for our last set and he continued his convulsions. In between, he'd shout something at various band members. At the end of one song, he walked right up to my face and asked me when I started singing. I said, "Before I could really talk." To which he replied, "I guess there's no chance of you getting better."

I should have punched that fucking bitch in the box.

I am really sick of men. Even gay men.

Quiz? No

I went to Quiznos for lunch yesterday. I walked in and the place was packed. And as I looked around for a seat, I noticed that absolutely everyone there was male.

Every last one of them. All ages and shapes and sizes. All MEN.

And not one of them gave me a second glance.

I almost started laughing out loud. But I kept it inside my head. To borrow a line from Hairspray, I could have done a fan dance with a lettuce leaf and no one would have noticed.

This situation exactly illustrates why it's so damn hard for me to find anyone. For some reason, I manage to slip into a pocket of invisibility. Or I'm projecting a huge FU all of the time. Which I don't think I'm doing. My friend John said that I project the vibe that I'm already taken. That observation I totally don't get.

At any rate, it was rather interesting sitting in a restaurant full of men and not once feeling ogled. And as much as women complain they don't want to be treated like sex objects, we all secretly love it when it does happen.

Respect

I went over to a boy's house last night for dinner and a movie. As we were talking, he asked about the next time my band is playing. I told him this weekend in Oshawa. I gave him the link to my band's website, where our gigs are listed, along with bios and video.

He clicked on the video for "Love Me Like A Man" by Bonnie Raitt.

As he watched, he said, "If I was just listening, I wouldn't think this was you."

"Who do you think it would be?"

"Aretha Franklin."

Sweet. :)

Role Playing

From "Run To You"
Music & Lyrics by Whitney Houston

Each day, each day I play the role
Of someone
Always in control

But at night I come home and turn the key
There's nobody there, no one cares for me

What's the sense of trying hard to find your dreams
Without someone to share it with
Tell me what this means?

Maybe Not

I saw my therapist today and about 3 minutes into my session, I started bawling. I have a huge hole in my heart that seems to only be filled by family.

I made a decision when I was 28 about finding a sperm donor to start my own family. All of my friends balked at the idea. Everyone kept saying, "Oh just wait! You have plenty of time to find a husband and start a family." Yeah I did end up finding a crazy psycho husband, and subsequently got divorced. And now 5 years later, I'm back to square one.

I restarted my search and have found a donor. Come hell or high water, I will be pregnant in 2010.

I really wanted my children's father to be known to them and a permanent part of their life. But at the rate things are going in my life, it doesn't look like that is how things will play out.

I'm exhausted. I'm really tired of looking. And I'm especially tired of putting out a huge effort and not getting anything in return.

I never wrote Butterfly back after his last email. I haven't called S&P since our Kazakhstan summit. And neither of them have noticed that I've just disappeared.

I think I'm done. I don't know if it's forever, but it's definitely over for right now.

Kazakhstan

Salt & Pepper met up with me for sushi dinner last night. This was our first date since he got back from his business trip to St. Louis.

As on our last two dates, the conversation was fun and funny. I really like talking to him. And he always laughs at my jokes. He thinks I'm freaking hilarious!

We had a really good conversation rolling when all of a sudden it takes a huge turn and hits a wall. He told me he had an epiphany in that he hates his job and wants to make a change. So he's starting the process to secure a contract job in Kazakhstan.

K.a.z.a.k.h.s.t.a.n.

It took me more than a few moments to really register where the hell Kazakhstan is. In case you don't have your world map handy, that's near and around Russia.

Apparently his house mate's sister has a project management contract at this company in Kazakhstan which pays a ridiculous amount of money and she works alternating months. So one month she's working her tail off, and the month off she spends travelling around.

My heart dropped into my stomach and my brain started to scream. OF COURSE the only decent guy who is showing me a slight interest is going to run away. To Russia. OF COURSE!

I put on my best smiley face and told him to go for it. So we spent the rest of the night playing the fun game of "I wonder if they have (insert item name here) in Kazakhstan?"

Is it really too much to ask to have a guy land in my life that is kind, nice, attractive (to me of course) and who is going to STAY on the CONTINENT?! I'm starting to wonder if it is too much to ask for...

Fix Up Central

Currently I have 4 different friends all working to find me Mr. Right. I feel like I should open up a headquarters for them to pool their efforts and so they can keep each other from jumping out a window once the realization sets in that this task is virtually impossible.

They say it takes a village to raise a child. In my case, I think it's going to take not only a village, but a whole damned continent to find me one good man.

Or I could just buy this book: http://www.findahusbandafter35.com/ and save everyone the trouble. Apparently the book REALLY WORKS!

Yeah, because if it were *that* easy, the author would have put everyone else out of business.

Vicarious

My DT is happy. She has a boyfriend that she really likes. And who really likes her and makes her feel good.

I'm very happy that she's very happy.

At the same time I want to slit my throat.

DT knows this is how I'm feeling, and is reluctant to gush about her BF. But I want her to! Right now, the only happiness I'm getting is vicariously through my friends.

It's a strange dichotomy. As happy as I am for my friends, I'm miserable about myself.

I know self-loathing gets you nowhere (except maybe a trip to the mental ward of the hospital), but it's how I'm feeling.

I suppose it should give me hope. Love is happening all around me. So why can't I have it too?

Yeah. That's the question I've been asking my whole adult life. WHY CAN'T I HAVE IT TOO?

Throat. Slit. Ooze. Squish.

Melancholy

"What If I Stay"
Music & Lyrics by Melanie C

Calling all my senses
I can't see or taste or feel you anymore
And every day I'm calling on my inner strength
To fight for something once worth fighting for

Maybe it's life in the real world?
Maybe it's all been my fault?

What if I go?
What if I leave?
What if I show you how you're breaking me?
And I know, whatever I say I'll still be thinking
What if I stay?

Staring at the stars
I make a wish that I could travel back in time
I lie awake just looking at your face
And I remember how you used to look at mine

Maybe it's life in the real world?
Maybe it's all been your fault?

What if I go?
What if I leave?
What if I show you how you're breaking me?
And I know, whatever I say I'll still be thinking
What if I stay?

What if I'm sorry?
What if I love you?

Summer Hours

Every Friday between Canada Day and Labour Day, we are allowed to leave the office at 3pm.

One of the directors in my department was just leaving his office and stopped by my desk to wish me a nice weekend. He asked me why I hadn't left yet.

"I don't have anyone to get home to."

He made a sad pouty face and then wished me a good afternoon.

I feel like I'm about to cry.

Really, I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I'm just feeling sad, sad, sad.

Flatline Redux

How lame can one person possibly be?

Since Butterfly sent me the lame text last week blowing me off for sleep instead, I've heard NOTHING. AGAIN.

I guess I should be asking how stupid can I possibly be? The answer is easy - REEEEEAAAALLLLY STUPID. I'm an honest-to-goodness S.U.C.K.E.R.

I've been stalking his Facebook profile and he seems to be doing more than just sleeping at home. He's out and about, taking pictures, seeing friends, having dinners, dancing, and pretty much EVERYTHING BUT SLEEP. One of his latest status updates was "Butterfly never gets enough sleep".

It's so painfully obvious to me that I come dead last on his list. He'd rather sleep than see me. He'd rather be somewhat dead than see me. He'd rather do ANYTHING than see me.

It hurts. My feelings are hurt AGAIN. I'm upset AGAIN. I am complaining about this AGAIN.

Some lessons are learned the long-way-around-about-painful way.

But I've learned it this time. For real. I don't care if he comes back in a month begging for forgiveness, which given his previous pattern of behaviour, it's inevitable that he will.

He got one chance, and one chance only to MAKE AN EFFORT. His effort was lame. Not good enough anymore.

(How do you spell the sound of a big, deep, heavy breath being expelled...?)

Blind Battiness

My friend set me up on a blind date with a bat professor.

Yup. Professor of bats. PhD and all that.

I knew there would be some awkwardness but wow, that was probably one of the stiffest dates I've ever had. I don't know if he was nervous - I was, only because I didn't know what I would talk to him about and not sound like a complete bubblegum airhead.

At one point, I felt like I was on a date with one of my science profs, which isn't really surprising seeing as he IS a professor. Then later I felt like I was on a date with my Dad. And that's when I decided there would be no second date. Too bad cuz he asked me to go to a Bills game next week. There's nothing I love more than sweaty men wearing tights, grunting and smashing into each other.

I know within 90 seconds whether or not I will ever sleep with a guy I just met. Even if the context of meeting him is just as friends, I still *know*. I know which of my male friends I would sleep with if they ever became available or ever showed any sexual interest in me. I know which of my male friends I would never sleep with, even if they were the last guys on earth. Don't get me wrong, I love them and think they are wonderful people, they just don't turn my crank is all.

I knew within 10 seconds with Professor Bat. Sometimes I'll go out with a guy 2 or 3 times just to see if any chemistry will develop and the answer is always a resounding NO. My therapist told me to trust this. For me, chemistry is an instant process, not one that develops with time and repeated exposure.

I guess this just means I'm one step closer to finding the right guy. Or one step further from my sanity. I don't know if I can do blind dates anymore. It's just too nerve wracking.

Imaginary Bitches

http://www.imaginarybitches.com

I think if I am left to my own devices much longer, I'll end up like Eden.

Pressing

I slept in until 3:30pm yesterday. Then I laid on the couch and watched 7 episodes of "All My Children" and 3 episodes of "Big Brother 10".

I ate 6 slices of prosciutto, 7 slices of low fat provolone cheese, an Aero bar and a Kit Kat bar.

I think I'm getting depressed again.

This weekend has been almost a total write-off. I should have been in Fort Erie hanging with my Dad and my best friends. Instead I holed myself up in my apartment, alternating between crying and sleeping.

It's really hard not to feel sorry for myself. This was supposed to be my summer of fun. Last summer was total destruction. This summer has turned into a total dud.

I feel so shitty about myself that I can't even find any wit or humour for this post.

Fuck. Me.

Nuh Uh

He stood me up.

I rushed through dinner with friends I hadn't seen in months, only to get stood up.

I sent him a text around 8:30pm to see if he was still good to go. No response until 10pm - which was blah blah blah about him falling asleep and being too tired to do anything. "I'm awful" it said at the end.

Not as awful as I am for actually giving him another chance.

I'm really starting to hate him.

Uh huh

I knew Butterfly would blow me off for the long weekend. I had asked him about 2 weeks ago if he would be interested in coming with me to the Jackson-Triggs vineyard for a concert series. He hmmmed and hawwwwed about it and never gave me a straight yes or no.

I emailed him yesterday to see what the final verdict was. Three paragraphs later, the answer was no. But he asked me what I was doing tonight. (Dinner with friends at 7pm.) He wants to get together for drinks.

This is a little strange, seeing as we saw each other on Tuesday. He never sees me again so quickly.

So I predict one of two things will happen. We'll either end up sleeping together tonight, or he'll break it off with me (again) in a strange and awkward way.

Viva Italia

Salt & Pepper picked me up for dinner last night. He got out of the car and gave me a kiss hello. How totally gentleman like. :)

We hit a restaurant in Little Italy called Vivoli. Got ourselves a patio seat and the conversation started going and never stopped.

Everything about talking to S&P was easy. We laughed, we debated, we observed and did I mention that we laughed? He even noticed my pretty pink shoes! I mean come on, what guy ever notices a girl's shoes unless that's the only thing she's wearing? Exactly. I like his attention to detail.

We shared mussels and pizza and a few drinks. Total time at dinner was just over 2 hours. It didn't feel that long at all. He suggested we go for a walk. Alright!

We hit the sidewalk and he put his arm around my shoulder. My arm slipped in around his waist. Usually I have a really hard time keeping pace with taller men, but I didn't have this difficulty. I wonder if he was taking smaller steps just for me?

Talking, walking, touching, laughing...

Eventually we got to the Orbit Room, where the LMT Connection was playing. I used to go to the Orbit Room every Wednesday to see this band. They are absolutely amazing. Funny, now that I think about it, I don't really know why I ever stopped going. I mentioned this to S&P and he suggested we go on up and check 'em out.

We stayed for two sets. Lots of hand holding and nuzzling on two stools in the back of the bar. He kissed my neck and my shoulders. I danced and shimmied close to him. I was having a hard time making eye contact. I suddenly became very self conscious. He put his arm around my waist at one point. So I sucked in my stomach as much as I could. And I stayed like that until we left the bar.

He drove me home and when we pulled up to my building, he parked the car and turned off the engine. Then we made out. Hehehe. And it took him about 3 seconds to grab my boob. I totally felt like I was in Grade 8. After about 10 minutes, I pulled away and said goodnight. I told him to call me. He told me he'd be in St. Louis next week so he would call me when he got back. Then he paused, and said that maybe he'd call me from St. Louis. Aww!

I'm pretty sure the next time we get together, he's going to want to sleep with me. (Who wouldn't?! Oh right, Butterfly. Blah.) I've decided I'm going to make S&P wait at least a month.

A friend of mine called me before my date and told me not to lose it. "What?" I asked, "My virginity?" "Exactly" she said. So we'll see if S&P only wants me for what's in my pants. I kinda have a feeling that once he sleeps with me, he'll disappear. But really, what else is new?

Girl Interrupted

Last night with Butterfly was wonderful, as our time together usually is. There was a lot of hand holding, snuggling and downright making out. It was so nice and sweet and romantic.

However I noticed he constantly interrupts me when I talk. I can hardly ever finish a whole sentence, never mind shape my sentences into a complete thought. Then I lose my train of thought and end up sitting there with my mouth slightly gaping and unable to say anything at all.

And there are so many many things I want to say to him. I want to tell him that he doesn't have to be afraid. I want to tell him that I want to spend most of my nights in his arms. I want to tell him that I'm deeply smitten with him. I want to tell him that he really does give me butterflies. I want to tell him how incredibly turned on I am by him. I want to tell him that I dream about us being together. I want to tell him that he makes me want to sing sappy love songs.

But I am just so scared to share my feelings with him again. The last time I asked him what was going on, he freaked out and didn't talk to me for a month. This is a very difficult exercise in restraint. I am the type of person who just splatters everything out there for everyone to see and feel. Butterfly is the exact opposite, and I just don't know how to get past his very carefully constructed walls to get to how he's feeling about things.

The only thing I have to go on are his actions. And they aren't looking very good at all. He didn't ask me to stay over. He didn't make any plans with me for another date. He didn't even text me to see if I got home okay. For all he knows, I could have been shoved off the subway platform by the crazy guy who was looking for a fight. It's true! There was a crazy shirtless guy, yelling and swinging his fists. We saw him come up from the platform just as we were walking up to the station.

And I'm going on a date with Salt & Pepper tonight. At this point, I'm really feeling like whoever makes me feel wanted wins. I have been warned that S&P is a player, but right now, I think I'm just looking for a warm body.

All of this really reinforces why I called this blog "once more, maybe". Maybe I'm just fucking sick of all the nonsense that comes with men. My boyfriend pillow does NOT give me these kinds of headaches.

Pass the Salt

It's really hard for me to sit on my hands and wait for another person, especially a man, to do what they said they would do.

Really. Really. HARD.

Salt & Pepper said he would call me. That was 5 days ago. It's been driving me nuts.

Butterfly said he would talk to me soon. That was 6 days ago. And guess what? That too has been driving me nuts.

I don't know what it is about men, but apparently they've inherited a defective gene when it comes to communication.

These 5 and 6 days have been excruciating. I have to do everything in my power to keep myself from picking up the phone and calling these clowns.

For seriously, it's NOT THAT DIFFICULT! I know this is an age old difference between the sexes but COME ON! Would it kill either one of them to call me just to say hi? And I really do mean a maximum 2 minute phone call JUST TO SEE IF I'M STILL BREATHING. Given my crazy appendectomy, it's entirely possible that something could have happened to me over the course of 5/6 days.

I don't want to sound like I'm being needy or clinging or desperate, because I'M NOT. I just would like the guys who stick their tongues down my throat to use their tongues for something else, like actually TALKING to me! Shocking!

Salt & Pepper was the first to break the silence. He called me about an hour ago. We now have plans to see each other Wednesday night for drinks.

Butterfly has yet to dial my digits. We had made plans ages ago to watch a movie on Tuesday. I suppose I'll get an email confirmation tomorrow. But still NO TALKING!

Sigh.

Salt & Pepper

I went to two parties this past Saturday with Butterfly. First party was in town for my friend's 30th birthday. Second party was out in Pickering at a friend of Butterfly. Faux Beau was also supposed to be there, but never ended up coming out.

At the first party, Butterfly was being affectionate by holding my hand and giving me kisses. It was very obvious to everyone there that we were *together*. We mingled and talked with the other guests, one of them being a very cute friend of the birthday girl. He had salt & pepper hair with blue eyes. I tried very hard not to outright drool in front of Butterfly.

We said our goodbyes and left for the house party in Pickering. I drove as Butterfly doesn't have a car. As we were arriving, Butterfly mentioned that his brother and sister-in-law may be at the party.

Right he was! The first person we ran into was his sister-in-law. She was giving me looks up and down which I interpreted as "Who's this girl you are holding hands with that I've never heard of before?" When we ran into his brother, the same looks registered on his face. At one point Butterfly even mentioned that now I'd met family. Oooh, scary. :P

For the entire evening, Butterfly was being attentive and affectionate in front of everyone - and that felt so very good. I was impressed that he wasn't trying to hide that from anyone, especially from his brother.

We left the party around 2:00am and I drove us back to the city in the pouring rain. When we pulled up to Butterfly's house, he made out with me quite passionately for a few minutes and then said goodbye and he'd talk to me soon. He got out of the car without so much as a backwards glance.

That's it? It was dark and rainy and I was tired and that didn't warrant an invite to stay the night?! WTF?! He's supposed to be MAKING an EFFORT! He's supposed to be SHOWING me how he's CHANGED!

I cried all the way home. He really hurt my feelings. I know he told me before that he's not in the right "head space" to have sleepovers but for fuck's sake, IT WAS POURING RAIN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT! A real gentleman would have insisted I spend the night. Spending the night doesn't always have to result in sex. Geez.

So when I got home, I did what any girl with hurt feelings would do. I flipped on my computer and immediately searched for Mr. Salt & Pepper through my friend's Facebook friends list. And I found him. And I put in a friend request. And he confirmed. And then I asked him out. And he said yes.

We went out last night for drinks at a pub in my neighbourhood. I got there about 9pm and we stayed until 1:30am. We drank, we talked, he laughed at all my jokes. We never ran out of things to talk about. He kept mentioning that I am cute, and that I'm pretty hilarious. He touched my hands and my arm more than once.

He drove me home and I gave him a quick kiss goodnight. I told him to call me. He said he would.

And the waiting game begins....

Soon

Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1)
soon
/sun/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation [soon]
–adverb, -er, -est.
1. within a short period after this or that time, event, etc.: We shall know soon after he calls.
2. before long; in the near future; at an early date: Let's leave soon.
3. promptly or quickly: He came as soon as he could.
4. readily or willingly: I would as soon walk as ride.
5. early in a period of time; before the time specified is much advanced: soon at night; soon in the evening.
6. Obsolete. immediately; at once; forthwith. —Idioms
7. sooner or later, eventually: Sooner or later his luck will run out.
8. would sooner, to prefer to: I would sooner not go to their party.

DT's Definition
Within 48 hours.

My Definition
Right bloody now.

I have a really hard time with this word. I think soon happens faster than later. So if someone says "talk soon", I would expect that to happen within a day. If someone says "talk to you later", I don't expect anything for at least a couple days.

Soon sounds so much closer than later.

Butterfly said he'd talk to me soon. Yeah. He meant later.

Flutter Revisited

My Butterfly came back. Again. Sort of.

After the crap that happened in June, I didn't think I'd ever hear from him again. Actually, I was certain I'd never hear from him again.

Good thing I ain't a betting woman, cuz I'd have lost on this one. He sent me an email on July 3rd, my first day back at work after my sick leave. It had the following subject line. Brackets are his, not mine.

(How do you spell the sound of a big, deep, heavy breath being expelled...?)

There I was, back at my desk after having missed a month of work, trying to sift through the disaster that was left for me, and that JERK had the nerve to write to me at 9AM on my FIRST DAY BACK. I was already OVERWHELMED. I didn't need that. What I needed was some clarity and focus.

Since my appendectomy, I've had what I like to call surgery-brain. My short term memory has been reduced to that of a gnat. I knew it was going to be difficult to maintain focus when I got back to the office. But then he had to go and blow that all to hell with an email.

And what an email it was. It was 1262 words (I counted) of remorse, rambling, explanations, sorrow, hurt, confusion and more remorse. It explained everything, yet nothing really. It was romantic and self loathing. It was shameful and arrogant. It was all things conflicted. But that is the nature of my Butterfly.

In all those words, the most important ones happened at the end.

I missed you.
I'm sorry.

And those are the words that sent me into a crying jag that ran me into the women's bathroom for 10 minutes. ON MY FIRST DAY BACK! The last time I was holed up in the loo was over a year ago, when my marriage was falling to pieces.

I called my DT to ask her opinion. She told me to send a Thanks-but-NO-thanks-have-a-nice-Life type email. I knew that was the right thing to do. I knew that if I forgave him, I'd be getting on the crazy train once more. I begged her to tell me what to say. She dictated, I typed verbatim. Click. Send. Done.

I received his response, "Is this goodbye then...?"

What do you think?

Of course not.

My smashed-to-smithereens heart said otherwise. I wrote him back. I wrote him all of the things I'd been holding in and squashing down over the last month. HOW dare he NOT visit me in the hospital? HOW dare he NOT call me before he left on his trip? HOW dare he slither back NOW? CAN'T he see how much I CARE about him?

I miss you too.

He asked me out for drinks the following evening. We spent 3 hours on a patio together. We spent the first 2 of those hours chit-chatting and catching up. "How was your trip?" "Great!" "How are you feeling?" "Much better now that the incisions are all healed up."

Blah, blah, blaaaaah.

I was staring him down for most of that conversation. I could see a combination of fear, shame and remorse in his eyes. I finally asked him "Are you actually going to talk to me?"

He looked at me and his whole face changed. He looked like he was going to cry. And then he started a 20 minute monologue that revisited the 1262 words he'd sent me the day before.

He was actually sorry. I could see it.

That's one thing I'd never seen in a man who has ever bothered to apologize. Most of them don't. They just slink away never to be heard from again. My ex-husband was always saying sorry. But he never meant it. I knew just by looking in his eyes that he was full of shit. And I would call him on it too, which would infuriate him. Truth hurts eh.

Butterfly wasn't full of shit. He was actually full of sorrow and regret. And that's when I decided to give him another chance.

I'm happy to say he's been making an effort. He has emailed me numerous times faithfully each and every day. We have seen each other about once a week (he wants to take things really sloooooow) and we are making plans that extend at least 2 weeks into the future.

I have hope in my heart. Which in itself, is already a wonderful gift. Hope is something I thought would be lost forever.

Let's see if this Butterfly can spread his wings and fly to me.

Pillow Love

I bought the Boyfriend Pillow. The sale price was unbelievable. Only $5 to make all my dreams come true. I wonder if my cat will love and appreciate my new man?

Boyfriend Pillow

There's a sidewalk sale going on in the underground mall across the street from my office. So on my lunch, I went down there with a friend and we perused the sale merchandise. A lot of it was still overpriced, even with the mark down.

My friend had to get back to the office, but I stayed behind to try on some pants (too small, damn). As I was walking back, there was a table set up for Fabricland. Most of the sale items were linens and bedding. And one other item - a boyfriend pillow.

It's headless with half a chest and a left arm. Here's a couple versions I found on the net. The one I saw had a white shirt.

For a moment, I actually considered buying it. That made me pretty sad as the truth is I do sleep better when I'm snuggled up against a warm body. It's been quite a while since I've had a man in my bed.

I doubt there is a girlfriend pillow on the market. Men don't need anything except a flat surface to be able to sleep. Scratch that, I just googled it and there is a girlfriend pillow. However, it's not what you'd think. Go google it yourself and see what pops up. All I can say is typical. :P

Maybe I should go back and buy it. I want a man to snuggle up with, but I don't want all the bullshit that comes with having a man in my life. Hmm.... And it is on sale....

Tripping Into Singlehood

My divorce got finalized yesterday, and with that I finished my blog "Death of a Marriage". I thought it would be appropriate to start a new blog, seeing as I'm starting my new life as a happy, healthy, single gal.

I was walking to the subway this morning with a smile on my face and a spring in my step. I was thinking to myself, "I'm single! I'm free! I'm awesome!"

Then I tripped.

The noise of my foot slamming on the pavement to keep myself from biting the sidewalk was so loud that a guy walking about 30 feet in front of me whipped his head around to see what the hell was going on.

I made eye contact with him and then I just started laughing and laughing. My laughter is all squeaky because I'm still recovering from laryngitis.

And that my friends, is my grand entrance back into single life - so very typically awkward me!